Last Thursday evening, I had my regular scheduled outting with a very dear friend, Mongo. Mongo met me at my piano class with a most unexpected suprise.....CAKE! I love cake. Actually, I love chocolate cake and anything related to it.
We enjoyed an evening of good company (hers, not mine....that is to say that she's the good company, not me.) and the obligatory Starbucks coffee (my mouth is watering as I type this out, and I find myself wishing that it was Thursday night!) I appreciated the gift of cake, but was enjoying myself and was giving very little thought to it while we went about our evening. At the end of our evening I dropped her at home and started on my way. I found myself with a dilemna. One mouth watering chocolate Kahlua cake sitting beside me on the passanger seat and me with no fork! The call of the cake was too much for me to bare. I broke a small sticky morsel off and popped it in my mouth.
Now let me tell you something about myself. I don't drink. Never, never, never, never. I don't eat food with alcohol in it. I had never before tasted Kahlua. I never wanted to taste it before. I made a mistake. A very big mistake. Not only did I taste this nectar of the Gods, but I was eating it mixed with chocolate!
Half way home and half a cake later, I started wondering what would happen if I got pulled over by the police on the way home. I must have smelled like alcohol. I know I smelled of chocolate. (when don't I!?) I didn't know if showing the officer a half empty cake plate would be enough evidence to get me off of the hook!
"honestly officer, I only had one. One half a cake actually....."
I could just imagine the call to my husband:
"yes, Mr. Perpetual Chocoholic. We have arrested your wife for eating and driving under the influence."
I knew I was just being silly....right. It's not like I was actually drinking.
Well wasn't I just about ready to wet myself when a police vehicle pulled up behind, lights flashing signalling for me to pull aside. Cautiously I pull over to the side of the road. In that split second my mind has already raced through a dozen of possible scenarios and their possible outcomes. When will I learn that one shouldn't mess with chocolate in it's most perfect form.....plain and alone! What was I thinking by eating half a cake while driving?! Why didn't I wait until I got home? I was shaking like a leaf, chocolate on my fingers, Kahlua on my breath....
He passed my car..... He kept driving to the car ahead! YES! He's pulling that guy over! Sucker!
Well....I've learned my lesson. Never eat Kahlua cake and drive. Never eat any cake and drive is probably the best policy. I made it home in one piece, ticket free, with half of a chocolate Kahlua cake, wet pee pants and a smile. Another enjoyable evening with Mongo! Does life get any better than that?!
While acting out yet another episode of the ever popular "Beat the Bus" this morning, I was stopped dead in my tracks upon hearing my eldest daughter in the bathroom speaking to her sister through the door. It went as follows:
Tara: [knock knock on the bathroom door] "Who's in there....I need to go pee!!!"
Elsie: "Hello, you have reached the bathroom. We can't come to the door right now, but if you leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we can. Thank you. Beeeeeep."
To my utter disbelief this worked! Tara turned and left. No argument. No pounding. No stamping. No fighting. She just.....turned and walked away.
First question I asked myself was, Why? Secondly, why the heck didn't I think of that!
I found myself standing watching the school bus depart with my children this morning holding an empty cereal bowl in one hand and a brush in the other. I was wearing my painting pants and raggiest sweatshirt with duckie socks that have a little stuffed duck head attached at the back with my very best black high heal dress shoes. No make-up, bed head and stinky breath. My pre-schooler locked the door for me on the way out. A girl can't be too careful when she's in the house alone watching "Dora the Explorer." I don't have a key with me. It's raining and I have n0 umbrella, no coat, no hat. This is how anyone passing by would find me. At the end of my driveway....looking perplexed. But you know what?! I BEAT THE BUS! YES!!!
I'm not sure if any of you have heard, but my husband is hosting a new game show, called "Beat the Bus." Here's a partial transcript of the first episode:
Gid'day eh! I'd like to welcome my 3 lovely contestants and their hiddeous looking coach, who apparently just dragged herself out of bed after about 4 hours sleep, for this weeks to Beat the Bus. Elsie is a grade 5 student from Very Religious Catholic School. Tara is a grade 3 student from the same school and finally Karen is a grade one student also from VRC school. (applause)
And let's also give a warm welcome to my assistant Tessie (applause) Who peed in her pull up last night! Well done Tessie! Tessie's job is to attempt to foil the groups progress by adding to the work load.
As you know, on beat the bus, the object of the game is to get completely ready for school in 3 minutes before the bus comes after sitting on your behinds and fiddling around in the hour you had previously to get ready but chose not to use wisely.
Are our contestants ready? Letttt's plaaaaay BEAT THE BUS! (applause)
Coach Sandi: CRAP! The bus is here in three minutes. Let's get moving people! We have an extreme kid make over to do, let's move it, move it, move it!
Tara: Mom, did you see my sandwich?
Coach Sandi: I made it, I handed it to you, if you didn't eat it or put it in your lunch bag then retrace your steps and FIND IT NOW!
Coach Sandi: Karen, get dressed. Karen, get dressed. Karen! GET DRESSED!!!!!
Coach: Elsie, hair, teeth and shoes, NOW! And stop talking to your fish! I'm sure he'll get over the trauma of your leaving him to go to school for the day.
Tessie: Naked bum, Naked bum. Look I have a naked bum. I go to the bus too mommy?
Coach: I can't get you dressed now, I'm looking for Tara's sandwich.
OOOOH! Doesn't look good for the MacIntyre team! Only one kid is dressed and they've lost a sandwich. That will put them behind! And Tessie has thrown them a real curve ball. She's on her way out the door naked to go and wait for the bus. What will coach Sandi do? Will she chase the pre-schooler or work on the sandwich problem? OH! Okay, okay. She choose the pre-schooler! She's searching through a basket of clothes for a pair of underwear.....and YES! she's found them. Good work coach. Now she's looking for a dress.....and another quick success....but, wait! Oh no! Tessie just through them another curve ball...she doesn't like that dress! She says it's "too fit." Quick thinking Tessie. She's wiggling, she's wiggling, she's throwing a tantrum! But coach is ready with a comeback.....
Coach Sandi: Put on this dress right now or I'll, I'll....bring you back to the Tessie store and get one that fits this dress! And don't you dare wipe that boog on the wall! Get a Kleenex!
Quick thinking coach! She's putting on the dress! But is refusing to wear the shoes....okay, okay, now coach is reassessing her options. She's staring at the boog, but decides to clean it up later....she's leaving Tessie and moving back to Karen. She's yelling, she's yelling some more....Karen is smiling and has just passed gas in coaches face. Karen is laughing, still laughing Coach doesn't look happy! Oh no! look out Karen! Coach is ready to pull out the big guns I think!
Coach Sandi: No computer this weekend if you aren't dressed in 2 seconds flat! And Tara did you find your sandwich yet? Elsie, you looked like you rubbed the butter all over your head! Did you actually get any on your muffin this morning? And wash your face! You have chocolate all over it.
Coach Sandi: Son of a....labrador! Elsie and Tara, did you study your words for your spelling test again last night? What? NOOO! Who's agenda haven't I signed. All of them!!!!? What do you mean you have a book club order due today Tara?
Coach Sandi looks like she's loosing control! She's off to look for the sandwich....she checks the basement, again, the bathroom, not there, the other kid's rooms, nope. Not there either. She looks at the dog...she smells his breath...no, no balogna smell there. She looks....disgusted. She re-checks Tara's room. BINGO! She finds her sandwich tucked under her pillow! She raises the sandwich in the air in show of victory with a stellar smile! (applause)
Coach Sandi: Ok Karen, teeth shoes and school bag, now! I'm going out to the bus with greasy and her sandwich losing sidekick with the bad bed head. Get ready NOW! You better be out there before the bus, or else!
Elsie: But mom, you're only wearing your jeans and bra!
Keen observation Elsie! Coach is running to the bed room. She's yelling at the kids not to leave the house before she's ready, because they may get abducted or hit by a car if they're out there alone. She throws on a shirt. She grabs a brush and runs out to the bus. Now Karen is done, Coach is brushing Karen's hair. Karen is yelling, louder, louder....a neighbour opens the door to see what's going on. Coach is throwing spelling words at Elsie and Tara while she brushes faster and faster. Another stay at home mom runs by with her crew on herway to the stop for the public school bus.
Other Coach: I see your right on time and organized today too! (hysterical laughing)
Now coach Sandi is snearing, but turns to flash a smile. She's smelling Karen's breath. She's yelling, yelling....Karen runs in to brush her teeth...but, here comes the bus! Will they make it? Yes! Karen's back. Hugs and kisses all round. Coach recovers nicely with a smile and good morning to the driver while straightening her hair.
SCORE: Let's see how our contestants did. They get full points for making it to the bus on time, fully dressed with all of their equipment, and bonus points for studying spelling before boarding the bus.
We have to unfortunately subtract points though because coach has thrown on her low cut in the back shirt, inside out and backwards, thus exposing her bra for all to see. (Not to mention a wee bit too much flesh!) She's also bare footed and has forgotten to put on her make-up. A definate no-no leading to substantial deductions in her score!
Even though they don't win the main prize of appearing organized and a model for the neighbourhood, coach does win the runner up prize of sitting down for 5 minutes to finish her coffee with our lovely assistant, Tessie, using her as a jungle gym before running the errands and preparing for her volunteer work later in the day.
Congratulations coach! On winning a 5 minute break.
Disclaimer: The above mentioned prose is meant to provide a humorous look to at the lives of the MacIntyre family. It is by no means a completely accurate account of their daily routine. The coach is happy to be at home and loves the children very much even though she has written this. The coach realizes she is lucky and does not require a lecture pertaining to the above mentioned story. Any resemblance to persons living or dead are purely intentional. Names have been changed to protect the identities of the participants. Any comments can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org. This e-mail address is not an actual e-mail address, it's only there for your amusement....so don't really e-mail me there....unless you want to, knowing that I won't get it.
Ok. I intended to only eat chocolate over last weekend and do another week chocolate free. Well, guess what. I fell off the wagon. It was one hell of a fall! But, boy what a glorious fall it was. Who knew chocolate chips tasted so good sprinked on oatmeal, and that melted chocolate was such a good substitute for ketchup. Well back on the wagon again. But hey! It's only Sunday. One more day to enjoy chocolate covered chocolate before I have to detox again!