Friday, 28 April 2006
What looked like aimless wanderings by these dames, actually had a purpose. These dames were on a mission. They were there to enhance a rooster and two horses. Little did they realize that they would become a couple of dicks solving an unnerving mystery before the evening was through.
They quickly found their target just around the corner from their local hangout, where a girl could get a coffee cheap. Real cheap if she's wearing the right head gear. Tonight though, there were no bunny ears for the mission. They would have to pay real dough for their caffeine fix. The Barista had just kicked them out into the street, a routine which happend at closing time with a regularity that most constipated elderly people could admire.....hmmm, I'll need to work on imagery on that descriptive sentence....
They head around the corner with their target in full view. Unfortunately the come across something unexpected. Another dame has had the same idea tonight. She too is out wandering the streets like some cheap hooker....you get the point. and she's bending over the targeted ornaments moving mysteriously through the garden with something in her hand.
Is the spray painting the offending art work? Is she enhancing herself, or just using her peepers to get ideas for her own hideous decor. No....she's watering the plants surrounding the ornaments.
The two dames pass the property. No use in tipping her off to their intentions. They turn part way down the street to do another pass, like a cheap hooker....I may have used that one enough, so I'll think of something else to put here. like a copper on the beat watching a suspicious character, waiting for him to make his move.
One of the dames notices something off about this scene. There is a trail of blood leading up the street.....actually it's water. But I got your attention, didn't I! HeeHee.There's a trail of water running up the street away from the lawn where the watering dame stood.
"Why would she go for water somewhere else? Why not use the water from the house?" The taller smarter more astute dame asks.
"She came from somewhere else?" the strawberry blonde dame responds. The taller dame is used to hanging out with a blonde and explains what she saw.
They follow the trail up the street to busy downtown like intersection. It crosses over the road to the other sidewalk. The determined pair follow it's track like hounds on a fox, dodging traffic all the way.
The trail is leading down the legnth of the block. The pair are confused by the craziness of the watering dame. Why would someone carry a heavy watering can this far.
They are greatful for the spilled water that dots the sidewalk, like dog urine on a tree, and thankful that it's too cool to evapourate away at any great speed. The water, not the dog urine. Was that clear when you read this sentence? They continue on.
The darkened trail turned a corner and disappears up the walkway of a restaurant. Won Ton's Chinese restaurant to be exact. It comes to an end at the front door. It was the kind of front door that was made of glass and invited voyeurs to enjoy their fill of free entertainment.
The strawberry blonde looks up and sees a chinese man working late at his counter. Being partially blonde, she states the obvious....
"He's chinese! The watering can lady was chinese! I wonder if she works here?"
The taller dame patiently says, "she may, but why would she carry the water all that way?"
Ooooh, ooooh! I know!! Says Ms. Strawberry in a moment of pure genius. The kind of genious that hits with the regularity of a lightening strike to flesh, maybe once in a life time, if your lucky.
"The can was probably full of chinese tea! Leftovers! Tea's good for the plant, and chinese people are good with plants!"
Says Ms. Strawberry, beaming from this revelation.
There would be no decorating tonight. They'd have to go back when the dame wasn't out primping her garden, like a cheap hooker primping up herself before her next customer. But then, that's ok. There'd be other nights, other missions, and these dames were patient. They would decorate another night.
Insert thunder sound here and start mystery music in your head.
The Very End!
Wednesday, 26 April 2006
Monday, 24 April 2006
I am: easy-going, silly, usually happy, quite sarcastic, accident prone, mischievous, lacking in mental abilities much of the time, usually about a month behind the rest of the world.
I want: Jesus to come back BEFORE it's my turn to die! Money, fame (for positive reasons) one of my old bosses to ask me for a job (heeheehee!)pretty much what everyone else wants.
I hate: eating seafood. Fish are pets not food! Constipation, nosey neighbours, pushy people, thongs! Man, what's with the facination with butt floss? That can't really be comfortable?!
I miss: my pre-pregnancy body. My boobs being above my waist. Having a waist.
I fear: head lice, wouldn't you like to know the rest!!!
I hear: barely anything unless it's said by God himself!
I wonder: if men really think comb overs are attractive! Why British accents sound so pompous. Why Hollywood women think they look good after plastic surgery.
I regret: being so shy when I was a kid. Not enjoying my early 20's as I should have.
I am not: normal! talented, cranky, driven (lately)
I dance: No longer. I used to dance with Mr. Blue. He'd get excited when I put music on and get up on his hind legs to waltz with me, no matter the type of music.
I sing: only if someone holds a gun to my head. I do not make pretty sounds with my voice!
I cry: once every 10 to 15 years whether I need to or not. Usually not more than that.
I’m not always: eating chocolate. Just most of the time.
I make with my hands: quilts, crocheted baby blankets, piano music, the best chocolate chip cookies in the world, the best looking decorated gnomes in the city! The odd painting. Really big messes!
I confuse: Just about everybody!
I need: to be more organized, like I was before kids, efficient, tidy. Chocolate regularily. To find a way to convince 4 of 4 that "boogs aren't for eating. You need to use a kleenex!"
I should: clean my basement, exercise more, eat less chocolate [snort, ya right!].
I start: many projects that I never finish. Eating chocolate as soon as I get up.
I tag: anyone who wants to play
We have gotten into a nice routine of being ready for the bus 5 minutes early. We haven't missed one of late. I just toss the kids onto the moving bus, which "Speedy" slows down only slightly when she's in a good mood. On a bad day I just have to toss them harder. I haven't missed yet, but if I do, my kids are flexible and athletic. They'll bounce back in no time at all. I don't bother to say hello to Speedy in the morning. She scares me. I'm afraid she may run me down in my laneway one day, so I just wait back by the house until tossing time.
I went back to Walmart the other evening only out of sheer necessity. I needed to buy up all of the left over Easter chocolate that was on sale and a shirt. I had my 3.5 year old with me. We were browsing through the shirts when a short petite stick of a woman, with a heavy Eastern European accent approaches me and asks if I know where there is a mirror. I point to one 5 feet away.
"Ah! yes! Gut, gut!"
"Thees looks gut on me....yes?"she asks while adjusting a short orange decorative garment to cover a shirt? I'm not sure exactly what the purpose was of this garment. It looked like it was made out of an orange fishermans net.....but ok. I'll answer her.
"Ya, sure." I say, waiting for her to let me pass.
"Yah! You like it? It's nice? No?"
"Ya, nice." I say watching her start to twist around a bit.
She looks at me with great hope in her eyes. She really seems to need my approval. She really wants me to love it. I'm waiting for her to offer me a job like the last Eastern European I met in Walmart.
There are only a handful of Eastern European people in the city and I seem to be meeting them all at Walmart. There's a bazillion French Canadians in the city and I've never ever ran into one in Walmart. Go figure.
She pauses and waits for further approval and praise.
"yup. Reeeeally nice."
"I hear that orange fishing net look is really in for little itty bitty Eastern European women this year!"
Ok! Maybe I didn't actually say that part. At least not out loud!
I slowly back away. How did I become this womans personal shopper. She's treating me like I'm her daughter out for a girls day out.
"Really nice....see ya. What's that Princess 4 of 4 (my youngest) you need to go pee? oooooh! We'd better hurry!"
My daughter didn't have to go pee. I just made that part up. Sometimes it's good to have kids with you. They are a good excuse for a quick get away.
So, things are starting to get back to the bizarre. Not quite as exciting as before....yet. But I'm on my way back to kookie.
Sunday, 23 April 2006
There are people who may have been wondering why I disappeared for a while from the blog and e-mail contact. Why I wasn't on MSN's IM. I know a few have asked. I'd like to say that it was just because I was terribly busy...which IS true. Or that maybe I was just feeling a bit uncreative and in a rut....which is also true. But I now know that it was something more than that. I was having a case of the "Normals."
Until a little over a year ago, I was an ordinary Canadian like any other. Busy Mom, formerly having worked in the medical and telecommunications settings. Having made it successfully through my youth, a more creative time in my life, I had grown up mentally and physically. In short.....I was boring.
I won't tell you all that happend a year ago to bring me to where I am today, but let me tell you, life is a whole lot more fun now. Pushing my limits, decorating lawn ornaments, wearing bunny ears out to coffee and church regularily, using a very dry sarcastic sense of humour when communicating with just about anybody. Approaching life with a different attitude. Enjoy today, praise the Lord always and work HAPPILY as if you are doing so for him. Now I don't exactly know if he'd be out decorating lawn Gnomes, but I'd like to think maybe he would, if it could bring a smile to someones face.
Well, the last couple of weeks, I've been feeling "NORMAL" again. Thinking about how silly my hobbies are. How I don't have a snowballs chance of ever being any type of an artist, cartoonist, business person. How I will never attain my ultimate dream of being a Starbucks Barista someday. When something happend.
I went out to coffee with Adventurer. That always helps to inspire for a time. But by Saturday I was back in my rut. Feeling a failure, not the creative artistic person I aspire to be. I was feeling so terribly NORMAL! I'M NORMAL! Even worse! I'm a pathetic middle aged over the hill normal person. Then something else happend.
While painting my kitchen ceiling beams the most hideous colour of baby blue, not at all what I intended, I heard a car in the laneway. By the time I was able to get down and check out the window, I was just able to catch a glance of a red car exiting my driveway and driving off down the street.
I'm not sure what made me open the door anyhow,but I did. There on the front step was sitting, alone, in all it's glory, a chocolate Kahlua cake! At the time not recognizing exactly what species it was, I thought it odd that someone would drop a bunt cake off like that with out so much as a how do you do. I don't even eat sample packs that come in the mail let alone a whole strange bunt cake!
Curious and confused I wandered over to the front window and stood to reflect on the situation, when I saw the most miraculous thing! There in my front garden, standing proudly amoungst the blooming tulips, on guard, was the oddest interpretation of a lawn Gnome I have yet seen! An Ikea terracotta lawn gnome that's shaped more like a ..... well, never mind, we just won't go there.
It's a message from God! I am Weird! I'm not normal at all! If I were normal would people be leaving terracotta Ikea lawn gnomes on my front tulip bed for no reason at all?! WooHoo!!!
So, thank you to my partner in enhansements, Adventurer ,who acted as Gods messanger to make my day and set me back on my path of abnormality. From the bottom of my chocolate Kahlua cake filled heart (and stomach) THANK YOU!
I know that God has given each and every one of us a special gift. I'm still not sure what mine is, but I think that it has something to do with being goofy. I know the Spirit will let me know when I'm on the right or wrong paths.
Perpetually a Chocoholic,
P.S. Do you think wondering what your gift is could be the only gift some may have?
Also, sorry this is so long. If you made it to the bottom, pat yourself on the back and get a coffee to wake yourself up. Better yet, have some chocolate!
Friday, 21 April 2006
Well, actually that's not quite true. It turns out that I hadn't been abducted at all as so many thought! While I was just hanging out with the L.O.O.N.I.E's, and enjoying myself immensely might I add, they decided they had had enough of me and asked me to go. When I so stubournly refused they put out the "video" in hopes that somebody would come and "rescue" me. It worked. Adventurer came to the rescue and saved the L.O.O.N.I.E's.
The good news is on our jaunt through the neighbourhood last evening, we discovered three brand spankin' new lawn ornaments taking themselves much too seriously. They're just screaming to be decorated. I very much doubt the owners will appreciate the artistic enhancement as much as the Village Gnome's, but if you have a rooster and two horses sitting on your front lawn, tell me they don't need at least a bow or a few plastic Easter eggs to make the picture complete. Oooooh! I like that! Plastic eggs for the rooster. Now what do I do for the horses?.....hmmm....sure wish I had some plastic poop. That would make this lovely picture complete!
You up for this next Thursday Adventurer?!
Sunday, 16 April 2006
Bunny#2:Where the heck is the Village Gnome [tsk, sigh] We've always got to wait for him. Thinks he's so bloody great! I'm the Village Gnome. I've been decorated more than anybody else! I'm the king of the planet! [said in mocking tone]
Turtle: I say we go ahead without him. All in favour say I.
To Whom it May Concern;
We are the "Lawn Ornaments Of the North In Exile" ....or L.o.o.n.i.e. for short. We are not a terrorist group, or at least we were not, until today. We are currently holding "it" hostage.
These are our demands:
*Promise that "it" will no longer ridicule us by dressing us up,moving us around, or sticking sticky notes to our bodies anywhere in North America, during the light of day OR dark of night!
Ok, maybe we only have one demand.....NO Wait!
*We also demand that you pay to have it permanently removed from the region should "it" continue to harass us, using whatever means necessary....[Insert sinister music here.]
Squirrel #1: I really hate that name. LOONIE. What kind of lame name is that! Boy....that really bites. I thought we were going to hold a vote on it.
Hippo: Ya well, I think you really bite! Just because we didn't want to use your acronym "S.T.O.P (superior tacky ornamental personages) I mean....what the heck does that mean?
Turtle: Could we please just get on with it before the Gnome gets here. If he gets here before we're done we'll never get out of here. You KNOW how he goes on and on about how HE'S the one who's been humiliated and how HE'S the real injured party.
Bunny#2: Can you believe he actually wanted us to consider hiring a hit man! He's wacko man!
Bunny#1: He really freaks me out too! The other day I saw him whispering and snickering to himself.
Hippo: Ok. Let's call it a day. What do we do with it until we hear back from "them?"
.............................end of transcript......................................................
Thursday, 6 April 2006
Wish me luck, because I'm thinking I may get caught. Just a feeling. I haven't heard from Adventurer yet, so I'm hoping it won't be a solo mission. I don't know if I want to face a gnome alone!
Wish me luck! If you don't hear from me again you'll know I've been overtaken, perhaps taken as a hostage. Please give in to his demands! I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a gnome!
Wednesday, 5 April 2006
On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be
That won't ever happen again.
You may now return to your (normal?) life.
I received this by email today. Is this reason enough to throw a party? You're all invited. My place tonight at 1:00 am for the countdown.
Directions to my house:
Head North. If you're in Calgary just head east until you see a crazy woman wearing bunny ears and decorating lawn gnomes. That's me....Well, me or Adventurer.