Friday, 15 December 2006

It's beginning to look a lot like Spring time
Warm temperatures everywhere
The skis are all out
Even with no snow about
Warm balmy breezes blowing everywhere.....

It's beginning to look a lot like Spring time
Hot cocoa heats you up
Shed off that winter coat
The cocoa burns your throat
Mucky leaves and mud cakes everywhere.....

It's beginning to look a lot like Spring time
Santa can't come by
There's not a stitch of snow
He'll land on his ass I know
If he tried to land a sled without the snow

It's beginning to look a lot like Spring time
How can this all be
We're in Canada
Not in Nevada
Where the hell's the snow this time of year????

It's beginning to look a lot like Spring time
A white Christmas?
Not a chance
So get out your shorts and pools
With mitts you'd look a fool
And do your "Happy Global Warming" dance.

It's beginning to look a lot like Spring time
Jesus was born we know
In a warm climate
We're just being authentic
So let's have Christmas this way every year!

Tuesday, 12 December 2006

Christmas Caroles For The Mentally Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streetsand Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Treesand.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an OpenFire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'mGonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at thefroggy can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,JingleBells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,JingleBells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

This was e-mailed to me by a friend. If you take offense to any of this and think that I am posting this with you personally in mind, go back to #6 and Merry Christmas.

Monday, 11 December 2006

My excitement yesterday was too great to contain. I had to call somebody! I knew just who. Being the owner of one of the pair of angel fish I was excited about, I rang "White Mocha" with the good news. It went as follows:

Perp: "Our angel fish have spawned and there are little squiggly things squirming around on one of the leaves of the sword plant......(blah, blah, blah.)"

Mocha: "Great. I'll have to come and see them tomorrow."

[ding dong]

Perp: "Oh! Someones at the door and I'm naked. I have to go."

I opened the door to find my parents there, after I dressed myself of course, and it hit me. I just blurted out that I was naked to White Mocha. Will she think I always disrobe before making a call? Or just before I call her perhaps? I relate the end of the conversation to my parents. My father burst out into a fit of laughter. Not good. He has a more .... interesting sense of humour. I have to call her back to explain.

Perp: "I want to appologize and explain about my naked comment..."

Mocha: "huh?"

Perp: "I had been getting dressed when I noticed the angel fry and called right away before I got dressed. I had been wearing my underwear, so I wasn't actually naked. I usually don't make a point of calling people when I am dressing, but I just was so excited about the fish....."

Mocha: "S'ok. I didn't actually hear you say it, but I understand anyways."

After hanging up I started to wonder what exactly she understood. That she too would have been so excited and could not wait to make that ever important call, or that I am an insane person that has been know to do bizzare things and blurt out even crazier phrases and she's used to my odd behavior. Hmmm. I wonder.

Monday, 4 December 2006

This was sent to me by Adventurer. I just want to know if they sell a version of these that snores and wakes you up claiming that it's you snoring. Also, if it would just about bounce you off the bed when turning over and occasionally talk in it's sleep it would be just like the real thing. (If you had them scented with "ode to garlic breath after a large feist of foreign food breath".....heaven;-)