Reading Between The Lines...

This is my latest picture.  Not that I've drawn....but from 4 of 4 of me.  She's 20 years old.  We're so proud.  (kidding!)  Apparently I wear sparkly bluish eyeshadow and bare a striking resemblance to Tammy Fay Baker;-)

I had a hard time not giggling as she explained her process to me.

"It took me over an hour to complete and I put multiple layers and colours to build up the colour over the eyes.  See how they pop out from the background.  I wanted the painting to have depth." explained my 7 year old.

All that was missing from mini-me's explanation was the lamenting about the quality of the completed work, the self-deprecating comments and finally questioning my self worth.  I'm sure she'll have those down after she's watched me do a few more works. 

Happy Victoria Day

Baby toad

Baby tree frog

No, toads and frogs don't have anything to do with Canada's celebration of a dead queen's birthday (and the current queen's official one despite it not actually being her true birthday) but in our family we like catching  critters on our day off.....well, except for One of Four who freaked out when a wolf spider crawled on her this afternoon.  Geez!  It's only a spider!

Happy Bloggiversary VE....at the end of the month

So VE over at his Fantastical Nonsense blog has toyed with the idea of decreasing posts or quitting as he is burning out.  So what did he finally decide?  To post every day for the rest of the month.  Why?  It's his 4th blogging anniversary, 1000 post and Memorial Day (U.S.) all rolled into one.

I've been around since May 2005 according to blogger, but when I went back to look at my very first post I can say with 99.9% certainty that I know that was not the first thing I posted so I suspect blogger lopped a few off from the early days.

I've tried to quit a few times but I'm still here.  Good thing I'm not a smoker as I seem to have trouble quiting things;-)

On a side note, Mr. P and I were working in the yard yesterday when J&J and some of there kids and grandkids were visiting.  Mr. J told Mr. P how much he liked our gazebo that we had just put up for the summer.  The conversation went as follows:

Mr. J: "That's such a nice gazebo!  Lovely!"

Mr. P: "Thanks!  We really need something as we have no shade so it helps."

Mrs. J then pipes up: "I know!!! Since you took that hedge down we have no shade now!"

Mr. P and I could only laugh when we got in the house.  Apparently now she's decided she liked the hedge after all.  I think she's crazy.  If it weren't for Mr. J.'s pleasant demeanor she'd be eating the hedge by now;-)

Dear Hot Chocolate;

  Nude drawings in the black box.  That's what was blurred out in front of my house.  Just a guess.

Perp


Dear 2 of 4;

  No, I will not try fried onions on ice cream no matter how good you say it tastes!  I hate ice cream!

Mom


Dear Elderly Tourists;

  I can't help that the tour bus stops right out side of the art school at the exact time you are forced to await it's arrival thereat a time when  I'm returning to my car carting a large painting of naked Gustavo in full view of where you are standing that made your eyes bug out and your face turn red.  Keep your back to the art school so you don't see me leaving the building.  I myself have just recently learned it's better not to turn left in my neighbourhood.  You've got to do what you've got to do!

Anonymous art student

Gustavo~Week 2

  I was on my way out the door today to paint Gustavo when it arrived.  I was a wee bit rushed so I only had time for a quick happy dance as I dashed out the door with my copy of the newest OPE zine. 

  Class hadn't started yet so I decided I'd read just the first couple of pages while everything was being set up.  I laughed, I cried....okay, actually I just laughed.  Out loud as a matter of fact and before I knew it I was half way through the zine.  I looked up at the end of "Travel Notes From India" to see everyone studiously working away and the instructor watching me with a perplexed look.  Oopps!  I hadn't even noticed class had started.  Actually it had been going on for about 10 minutes.  I had a dilemma on my hand.  Finish the zine right then and there or paint.
  If you aren't a subscriber, Ha Ha!  You don't know what you're missing!  For "your kind information," I chose Gustavo, but only 'cause I paid more for him and I could bring my OPE zine home which was not the case with Gustavo.

  Gustavo was quite thrilled with the piece when he saw it.  One more week to go.

Plan C~Never Look Left

My Garden and the Sinister side on the right of the picture

The Happy Side of the House (Anybody need Rhubarb?)

Thank you all for your kind words re: our fencing situation.  Unfortunately though it's not that simple.

Next door when we put up a fence on the "happy side" of the house we discussed it with "Cheese Slice Bob" and came to an agreement that was acceptable to us both.  We had the work done by a professional fencer and it was a "good neighbour fence" which was attractive on both sides.

The fencer who put up our fence has met her and refuses to have dealings with her.  We just don't want to deal with her in relation to building and maintenance issues of which there would be many.   You can't please everybody all the time and some you can't please at all.  She's one of those.  So I guess as Kurt suggested, I just can't look left. 

So I continue to work on plan C (since I don't think my plan B, the bikini, worked) and not look left.

  If you were here earlier than you will notice today's post is missing.  That's probably because I took it down.  I've decided I'm moving to my happy place.  From now on I'm only going to think of happy things and not torment myself with thoughts of having to spend my summer staring at snotty neighbours.  I will instead look to the other side of my property and pretend that the other one doesn't exist. 

  "Cheese Slice Bob" is a lovely gentleman that lives on the happy side of our house.  Mr. Hunter regularly goes over to visit and receives his mandatory cheese slice once a day.  He used to go and visit "White Mocha down the street until she adopted one of those nasty hissing things but sometimes he still begs from a distance.

   Then there are the dog people in behind.  They all gather and wander through the green space behind our lot allowing the dogs to frolic off leash together.  That's a happy place.   I will no longer look to my left and things will be nice.  Happy. 

  It's a hot week so cycling in the early morning and art in the afternoon facing the right side of the house.  I just won't look left.  When I was working at the hospital in opthalmology OS stood for oculus sinister which was the left eye.  In nursing school we learned that the left side of the body was concidered the sinister or evil side at one time and sinister comes from the latin term sinestra.  I believe it!

OPE is Coming!!!

Kurt has posted on his blog stating that the latest issue of OPE is in the mail system and on it's way to subscribers.  I thought it would be fun to have a wee test on OPE whether you are a subscriber or not.  See how you do.

This issue of OPE will:

a)  Contain an article called "Why you suck."

b)  Contain an article called "Why Kurt sucks."

c)  Not contain any articles at all

d)  All of the above

The illustrations for this issue were done by:

a) Kurt

b) The ghost of Todd the intern

c)  Not Kurt

d)  All of the above

You should subscribe because:

a)  Kurt is living on the street and could really use the cash

b)  Kurt doesn't do it for the money but is an artist and we should support the arts

c)  You can find out the Famous American City in which he lives and just drop by unannounced on your summer vacation because he'd probably like that

d)  None of the above

  Your guess is as good as mine as to what's in this issue.  I'm not sure if he has extras this time around, but if you want one now would be the time to ask.

I'm still working on a commission that I can't post a picture of but have started thinking about one I'm about to start working on as time allows.  You may eventually recognise this model and may even be able to guess who it is before I even start;-)

I've been reading a blog lately that is a great read and I highly suggest it.  Check out "Big Commotion Ovah Nah'ting Midwest America meets Mid-West Hawaii" if you haven't been there already.  He mentioned in a comment that he came over through OPE (Kurt's Blog) but we won't hold that against him.

If you haven't been to OPE lately it's worth checking quickly.  You never know how long a new post will remain up.  They tend to last only a couple of days before they are pulled down.  Like nailing jello to a tree we can't keep Kurt pegged down.

2010 BEAR HUG

The local highschools from the Separate School Board attempted to break the Guiness Book Of World Records record for the largest hug and raise money for cancer research.  I'm not sure what the total amount raised was, but they had about 15 thousand students surround part of the Rideau Canal on both sides, crossing over two bridges (The second bridge that was crossed is not visible in any of the photos as it was quite a distance from where I was) to form a large connected group of kids.  Aerial photos were taken to determine if the link was held for at least 20 seconds.  The organizers thought that they may had done it, but "One of Four" was saying that someone paid someone to break the link and jump in the canal.  Who knows.  Both "One and Two of Four" participated.  I believe it took 200 school buses and 2.5 hours to get everyone in place.  The photos are of the preparation and not the actual hug.

Dear Kurt;


  Thanks so much for your sorta kind words [wipe away tear.]  This is the post you mentioned "Beat the Bus."  Ahh the good old days when my life had purpose and meaning.


  Perp 



Re-Posting of Beat the Bus

New Game Show
I'm not sure if any of you have heard, but my husband is hosting a new game show, called "Beat the Bus." Here's a partial transcript of the first episode:


Gid'day eh! I'd like to welcome my 3 lovely contestants and their hiddeous looking coach, who apparently just dragged herself out of bed after about 4 hours sleep, for this weeks to Beat the Bus. Elsie is a grade 5 student from Very Religious Catholic School. Tara is a grade 3 student from the same school and finally Karen is a grade one student also from VRC school. (applause)

And let's also give a warm welcome to my assistant Tessie (applause) Who peed in her pull up last night! Well done Tessie! Tessie's job is to attempt to foil the groups progress by adding to the work load.

As you know, on beat the bus, the object of the game is to get completely ready for school in 3 minutes before the bus comes after sitting on your behinds and fiddling around in the hour you had previously to get ready but chose not to use wisely.

Are our contestants ready? Letttt's plaaaaay BEAT THE BUS! (applause)

Coach Sandi: CRAP! The bus is here in three minutes. Let's get moving people! We have an extreme kid make over to do, let's move it, move it, move it!

Tara: Mom, did you see my sandwich?

Coach Sandi: I made it, I handed it to you, if you didn't eat it or put it in your lunch bag then retrace your steps and FIND IT NOW!

Coach Sandi: Karen, get dressed. Karen, get dressed. Karen! GET DRESSED!!!!!

Coach: Elsie, hair, teeth and shoes, NOW! And stop talking to your fish! I'm sure he'll get over the trauma of your leaving him to go to school for the day.

Tessie: Naked bum, Naked bum. Look I have a naked bum. I go to the bus too mommy?

Coach: I can't get you dressed now, I'm looking for Tara's sandwich.

OOOOH! Doesn't look good for the MacIntyre team! Only one kid is dressed and they've lost a sandwich. That will put them behind! And Tessie has thrown them a real curve ball. She's on her way out the door naked to go and wait for the bus. What will coach Sandi do? Will she chase the pre-schooler or work on the sandwich problem? OH! Okay, okay. She choose the pre-schooler! She's searching through a basket of clothes for a pair of underwear.....and YES! she's found them. Good work coach. Now she's looking for a dress.....and another quick success....but, wait! Oh no! Tessie just threw them another curve ball...she doesn't like that dress! She says it's "too fit." Quick thinking Tessie. She's wiggling, she's wiggling, she's throwing a tantrum! But coach is ready with a comeback.....

Coach Sandi: Put on this dress right now or I'll, I'll....bring you back to the Tessie store and get one that fits this dress! And don't you dare wipe that boog on the wall! Get a Kleenex!

Quick thinking coach! She's putting on the dress! But is refusing to wear the shoes....okay, okay, now coach is reassessing her options. She's staring at the boog, but decides to clean it up later....she's leaving Tessie and moving back to Karen. She's yelling, she's yelling some more....Karen is smiling and has just passed gas in coaches face. Karen is laughing, still laughing Coach doesn't look happy! Oh no! look out Karen! Coach is ready to pull out the big guns I think!

Coach Sandi: No computer this weekend if you aren't dressed in 2 seconds flat! And Tara did you find your sandwich yet? Elsie, you looked like you rubbed the butter all over your head! Did you actually get any on your muffin this morning? And wash your face! You have chocolate all over it.

Coach Sandi: Son of a....labrador! Elsie and Tara, did you study your words for your spelling test again last night? What? NOOO! Who's agenda haven't I signed. All of them!!!!? What do you mean you have a book club order due today Tara?

Coach Sandi looks like she's loosing control! She's off to look for the sandwich....she checks the basement, again, the bathroom, not there, the other kid's rooms, nope. Not there either. She looks at the dog...she smells his breath...no, no balogna smell there. She looks....disgusted. She re-checks Tara's room. BINGO! She finds her sandwich tucked under her pillow! She raises the sandwich in the air in show of victory with a stellar smile! (applause)

Coach Sandi: Ok Karen, teeth shoes and school bag, now! I'm going out to the bus with greasy and her sandwich losing sidekick with the bad bed head. Get ready NOW! You better be out there before the bus, or else!

Elsie: But mom, you're only wearing your jeans and bra!

Keen observation Elsie! Coach is running to the bed room. She's yelling at the kids not to leave the house before she's ready, because they may get abducted or hit by a car if they're out there alone. She throws on a shirt. She grabs a brush and runs out to the bus. Now Karen is done, Coach is brushing Karen's hair. Karen is yelling, louder, louder....a neighbour opens the door to see what's going on. Coach is throwing spelling words at Elsie and Tara while she brushes faster and faster. Another stay at home mom runs by with her crew on herway to the stop for the public school bus.

Other Coach: I see your right on time and organized today too! (hysterical laughing)

Now coach Sandi is snearing, but turns to flash a smile. She's smelling Karen's breath. She's yelling, yelling....Karen runs in to brush her teeth...but, here comes the bus! Will they make it? Yes! Karen's back. Hugs and kisses all round. Coach recovers nicely with a smile and good morning to the driver while straightening her hair.

SCORE: Let's see how our contestants did. They get full points for making it to the bus on time, fully dressed with all of their equipment, and bonus points for studying spelling before boarding the bus.

We have to unfortunately subtract points though because coach has thrown on her low cut in the back shirt, inside out and backwards, thus exposing her bra for all to see. (Not to mention a wee bit too much flesh!) She's also bare footed and has forgotten to put on her make-up. A definate no-no leading to substantial deductions in her score!

Even though they don't win the main prize of appearing organized and a model for the neighbourhood, coach does win the runner up prize of sitting down for 5 minutes to finish her coffee with our lovely assistant, Tessie, using her as a jungle gym before running the errands and preparing for her volunteer work later in the day.

Congratulations coach! On winning a 5 minute break.

Disclaimer: The above mentioned prose is meant to provide a humorous look to at the lives of the MacIntyre family. It is by no means a completely accurate account of their daily routine. The coach is happy to be at home and loves the children very much even though she has written this. The coach realizes she is lucky and does not require a lecture pertaining to the above mentioned story. Any resemblance to persons living or dead are purely intentional. Names have been changed to protect the identities of the participants. Any comments can be sent to biteme@hotmail.com. This e-mail address is not an actual e-mail address, it's only there for your amusement....so don't really e-mail me there....unless you want to, knowing that I won't get it.

A Tribute to Perp Choc

When I first discovered Perp's blog, she had written several hilarious posts about racing to catch the school bus with her kids. I don't have a very good memory, and I might be confusing her with another blogger, but she still gets credit for those posts in my mind.

I have read her continuously ever since, with breaks to sleep, eat, and go potty. I cherish her sense of humor and her frightening reactionaryism. Her posts about the artistic process remind each of us that we can't draw. Though busy lives and responsibilities to pets sometimes keep us from visiting her blog every day, we always return here, unless she has deeply offended us in some way.

Let's face it - blogs are so 2004. But Perp Choc soldiers on - against all common sense - because we need her. Without her posts, how would we fill the empty hours, except by watching five additional minutes of television? So I salute you, Perp Choc, for your tireless commitment to whatever it is you do here.

Kurt

Dear Bus Driver Dave;


  This morning when I saw a strange man giving me dirty looks at the coffee shop and I didn't know who he was it didn't make sense.  When I noticed you were with him and seemed to be purposely averting your glances as to not meet my eyes I assumed it was because you just didn't feel like saying hello.  I thought that was fine as we all have days like that!


  It wasn't until after you left and I looked up at MY breakfast companion that I realized why.  I was sitting in a little restaurant mid morning with a man who wasn't my husband.  [GASP!]  Hot Chocolate.  I guess that would look kind of funny if you didn't know better.


  Oh my ears are burning now!  The neighbourhood will soon be a buzz with gossip. 


  You've gotta love living in a place with so many retired people.  They always think your up to no good.    I know everyone is watching everyone else because the fellow across the street tells me things that happen in my house that you would only know if you were looking in the window!  Sometimes when someone comes to visit me during the day (either male or female) I'll close all the blinds just to get them wondering.

 

Perp.

Perpetual Chocoholic's Scale of Pain

10-Childbirth without drugs

9-Childbirth with drugs

8-Appendicitis

7-Earaches, toothaches, bone aches.

6-Hitting your knee cap on the corner of the brick when attempting to enter the house briefly when hangin out laundry.

5-Stepping on a 3' nail when building a tree fort and having it go right through your foot then out again.

4-Getting poked in the eye with a puppy nose and requiring months of treatments to gain back full sight.  Although inconvenient and painful, not quite as painful as the above mentioned.  Then Getting poked in the eye by a baby's  finger nail once said eye was healed after many months of treatments.  Then getting poked in the same eye with a piece of plastic after the first two times, but finally having said injury heal properly for the first time.

3-Breaking various appendages at various times in various ways.

2-Talking to the neighbour Mrs. J of J&J fame.

1-Watching reality t.v.

Dear Mr. P.

  It's now 10:00 and I feel like throwing up.  The walk at the dog park wasn't the problem, it was the bent knee while sitting in the car on the drive both ways.  After all of the falls I've had with those blasted clipped cycling shoes, I've never injured myself as badly doing that as I did yesterday banging my knee cap like that on the wall while hanging out the laundry. 

  By the way, I didn't find it particularily funny that I missed the door when trying to enter the house, I don't know why you did.  And don't feed me that line about me laughing so you were laughing.  I was having a stressed reaction to the injury. 

I'm not hanging the laundry outside any more.  It's too hazardous to my health.

  I really do feel like throwing up.

Perp.

Dear Sam;


  Thank you for your suggestions with regards to making clothes fresh by hanging them on a line outdoors as opposed to using the drier.  I found it to be particularily nice for the family's underwear as I lined them all up across the back end of the line during yesterday's beautiful weather.  With the lack of a solid privacy fence of some sort between J&J next door and our house, our undergarments may have been "in their face" but I'm sure they didn't mind.  Poppa Chocolate suggested that a clothes line could be put to good use by hanging my painting rags when they were in need of a good airing out from time to time.  We do want to get our money's worth out of the clothes line after all!


  Well, things are going well with the electric guitar.  Unfortunately the back room next to said neighbour is the best area for practicing and the acoustics are best with the window open and the amplifier turned up loud.  I hate to discourage "Two of Four" in her interests so I hope the neighbours won't mind an hour or two of practice an evening.


  I've considered your other suggestion with regards to lawn ornamentation.  You are correct in your opinion that a back yard can't have enough lawn gnomes and pink flamingos.  I will rectify this lack of such immediately.  Now that we share visual space with J&J I'd hate for them to think we aren't trying to keep things nice!


Yours Affectionately,


Perp

Dear Mr. P;

  When I said I was considering take-out for dinner and you offered to take care of it, I just want you to know that I know that you know this is not quite what I meant!

Perp