War Declared on Squirrels

I found myself standing outside this morning in my best grubbies at 7:30am picking up after last nights squirrel party in my garbage.

This is the kind of respect I get for working like a slave to feed, protect and entertain them! This is the respect I get in return for rescueing and peeing their babies. Will I take this abuse!!!!?

[hmmm.....they are awful cute when they stare up at me with their big squirrel eyes though. Especially the grey ones. The black ones too.]

NO! NO! NO! I will no longer take it!

This means war!

From now on I only buy the cheap peanuts. And no more ice cream on hot days for you busters!

Air Traffic Controllers: A most stressful job

While standing in the shower (try not to make a mental picture here please! It's not worth the effort.) I was thinking about the request I made to the other half of we.
"Please can you keep after them to get ready while I just quickly jump in the shower!"
Although he did do this (I could hear his coaxing all the way down to the basement.) The children did manage to find me just the same. Unwilling to break from their regular routine of "morningtime Mom" nagging (them nagging me, not the other way around.) The craziness started.

I found myself thinking about what many people agree is one of the more stressfull jobs on the planet. Air Traffic Control. Now, I can't imagine I would want the responsibility of directing large numbers of hulking bodies of metal at break neck speeds past each other, for a living. I'd be a basket case! Well, even more so of a basket case. This morning however, I was feeling a little like an air traffic controller. I've compiled a list of things that I do to control the seamless flight of my children to their appointed destinations in an attempt to see if I may also share some of the stress that these individuals may feel. Here's what I came up with:

*Does the Air Traffic Controller (ATC) get interupted in the shower to ask about preparations for the flight? I would guess no. I however was asked where a pair of shorts might be since a pair didn't seem to jump out and bite 1 of 4 on the nose when she looked in her drawer.

*Does the ATC receive complaints when terrorists take over a flight, and are ATC's responsible for the hostages? I have no idea, but I'd say no to the hostage part. I on the otherhand (while still in the shower might I add) had to hear about how 3 of 4 had waylaid 4 of 4's toy puppy and was threatening to give it a full and propper swirly in the toilet. Which probably hadn't been flushed all morning! A bad habit I have yet to break. (There is still some lingering concern about 'spoding toilets in this house.)

*Does the ATC have to participate in the food preparation for the in-flight meals? NOT! Not only is this part of my job, but also removing the week old sandwich (unrecognizable in nature) from 2 of 4's backback, so she wouldn't mistakenly partake of it's moldy rancid goodness instead....as has been previously known to happen.

*Does the ATC have to get upstairs to find one of the aircraft had yet to get dressed, brush it's teeth and hair while also finding it's shoes while the bus sits waiting outside the door? No, No and NO! (We all know speedy waits for no one!)

All the above being said, I still have to admit that an Air Traffic Controller's job is indeed more stressful than mine I am sure.

.....but oh! wait!.....I almost forgot!

Is the ATC's other half sitting in her office (and planning on remaining there for the entire day) with a man's version of a virus. (need I say more?!) NO! DEFINATELY NOT! That alone is equivalent of a few dozen aircraft!

Maybe I was being a bit hasty on saying their job is more stressful. Let's just say it's a toss up.

Happy second last day of school to those in our school board!

Vicki should be coming home now. The trip to Paris ended up being a version of around the world in 24 hours. Hopefully the flight home is a little more direct and will go a bit more quickly!

Here she is looking lovely with her Paris pin. I'm sure she'll want to blog as soon as she gets back.

Well something more than just a little bizzarre happend late this afternoon. While standing in a circle on my front lawn bidding farewell to some visitors a small black furry mass started making it's way towards us. I watched out of the corner of my eye as a young healthy looking fellow boldly went where no squirrel had dared to go before! Right past the people on the edge into the center of the circle. It sniffs around a bit and stops right in front of 3 of 4.

3 of 4 was eating an orange creamcicle. Yum. It moved to an inch or so from her shoes and stood up on it's hind legs and started begging! Now, in all honesty, I have not fed the squirrels of late! Not this one for sure! One of the guests attempted to scare the little fellow away with a repeated stomping of his foot to no avail. (There was no way in a hundred million years he'd do anything to bring himself any closer to an animal such as this, crazy or not! So stomping was his weapon of choice.)

My neighbour came over and told me a tale of what seemed like this very same squirrel blocking their path to their doorway on their way back from the Dairy Queen just half an hour earlier! When they couldn't figure out what the blasted thing wanted (and it wouldn't let them pass) it jumped up on to the rear of their jeep and attempted to get close to the childrens ice cream! And they weren't even nutty flavours!!!

This only can mean one thing. Someone in the neighbourhood is taming squirrels....other than us.

P.S. We did go and get it some peanuts which it sat and greedily devoured about an inch from my own shoes. I kept the kids at a safe distance.

I think they may be plotting a take over of the neighbourhood. (The squirrels and the kids.)

Extreme Makeover

I started to think that perhaps my children have been watching too many extreme makeover shows of late when I found this picture sitting on my desk this morning. That was until I realized what this truely must represent. The before version is an exact likeness of me when I get up in the morning and am trying to get them on the bus.

The after picture is also a pretty close likeness to what I look like after I sucessfully shuffle them on their way.

Sometimes the truth hurts;-)

(mumble, mumble.....little brats.)

My lawn gnome needs a name. Any suggestions? (And no! As tempting as it is....please, nothing rude!)

My neighbour across the street recently had his outdoor solar lights lifted by light fingers. Apparently he wasn't the only one on the block. While he was talking at me of boobie traps and hooligans, I felt my mind shifting focus over to my own garden.

Nobody vandalized my place, this time. Was I not good enough to steal from? Sure, I haven't been as quick to get my own lights out, but I have a perfectly good lawn gnome sitting out in front just ripe for the pickin'! And he is, after all, certainly more desirable an addition to any garden than a silly old set of solar lights. Jeez!

Any how, I now believe it's time to name the little fellow. I'd hate for him to go through life being labelled just "the gnome".

Any suggestions?

P.S. I realize what he looks like! I've had it pointed out to me numerous times. Clean suggestions only please.

Hello again darlings,

I'm packing and readying myself to slip into the luggage for a fabulous time in old gay Paris. That's gay as in happy darlings, should you wonder. I'm taking back the word.

I'm not sure where else I'll be travelling to this summer. Turkey has been mentioned, but I think that I'll skip that one. Wouldn't want Mr. P. having to explain my purpose in an airport over there. Plus I absolutely refuse to cover my head, since I don't have one. I may do California again though. This time hopefully he'll buy me that pin I crave. A girl does like her jewellry you know.

Well ta, ta for now darlings, will chat when we get back. Wish me luck! I still hate flying so!

xoxoxo
Vicki Stripes

Adventurer sent this by e-mail, but I'm answering by blog and tagging anyone that wants to do it too!

1. Full name? Perpetual Chocoholic.

2.Were you named after anyone? The beach

3. Do you wish on stars? Yes, but Oprah still hasn't come through for me.

4. When did you last cry? When Mr. Blue stopped dancing.

5. Do you like your handwriting? Only when it writes what I want it to. On it's own it gets into all kinds of trouble.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turkey. The dead cooked kind, not the decoys on the front lawn.

7. How many kids? How many kids what?

8. Names and ages of kids: What kids?!!

9.If you were another person, would you be friends with you? heeheehee!

10. Do you have a journal? Isn't that what I'm writing on? D'uh!

11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Oh never! [smirk]

12. Would you bungee jump? No. Not unless there was a chocolate river at the bottom and I'd been deprived for about a year.

13. What is your favorite cereal? Oatmeal with half a bag of brown sugar.

14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No. And it makes me really mad when I go to put them back on. That being said....I haven't got laces on my sandals. They're sheer bliss.


15. Do you think that you are strong? Only with God behind me. But if you're talking about smelling....I showered and wore deodourant! Jeez!

16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate mint chip.

17.Shoe Size? 9. Which doesn't mean anything for women. You know....like a large shoe size does for a guy?!

18. Red or Pink? Blue

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My appendix. But that's ok, I got rid of it.

20. Who do you miss most? Mr. Blue.

21. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? Since I put this on a blog instead of sending it by e-mail....no.

22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? What kind of sick question is this! Is this like one of those obscene phone calls people used to get? Blue, bare.

23. Last thing you ate? Chocolate chips.

24. What are you listening to right now? Peep and the big wide world and my fish tank filter.

25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Oh, they don't have a colour to fit me! But I'd choose a chickory blue.

26. Favorite Smells? Babies (the heads not the bottoms) Lilacs, chocolate on a rainy day, sunny day or any day, and Mr. P. When he's showered of course.

27. Last person you talked to on the phone? which phone? Cell or land line?

28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Age.

29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Absolutely. Particularily I appreciate her on Thursday evenings while sipping coffee and decorating gnomes.

30. Favorite Drink? Grande Non-fat, half-sweet peppermint mocha latte.

31. Favorite Sport to Watch? Hockey, but only if I'm doing something else while the t.v. is on.

32. Hair Color? Strawberry blonde. But lately someone has painted a couple white while I wasn't looking. I hate when that happens. I'm only 40 for goodness sakes!

33. Eye Color? grey.

34. Do you wear contacts? No.

35. Favorite Food? chocolate. Are these questions repetitive? I feel like I've written chocolate quite a bit.

36. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? I'm not picky.

37. Last Movie You Watched? Something Scottish with a deaf kid.

38. Favorite Day of the Year? I like nearly all of them. I guess I'd have to say Feb. 31st though.

39. Summer or winter? Summer.

40. Who do you hate in life? Luckily I can't think of anyone.

41. Favorite Dessert? Chocolate Kahlua cake.

42. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? No one since this is a blog.

43.Least likely to respond? [sigh] ditto

44. What books are you reading? "Fishlopedia" and as of last night "Cartooning: The Head and Figure" (thank you! M.)

45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? I don't have a mouse pad. I feel so....deprived!

46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? I didn't. Well....I guess technically a blank screen.

47.Rolling Stones or Beatles? Rolling Stones. Rolling Stones falling out of trees collect no moss you know.

48. What's the furthest you've been from home? Florida. But they sent me back.

49. Do you have a special talent? I now know how to pee a squirrel! Isn't that special?!

50.Favorite quote? Ah, good taste what a dreadful thing! Taste is the enemy of creativeness! Pablo Picasso

51. Your hero: Jesus

Somebody e-mailed this to me, so some of you may have seen this, but it was too funny not to put up, so here it is:

Subject: WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too fat... 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

I just can't seem to get my gardening done. The weather is ranging from beautifully hot to scorching. Still my annuals sit potted in their wee little containers, becoming root bound.

Is it the weather? No.
Is it the fact that there is a de-construction zone popping up around me in the form of a fence coming down? No.
Is it that there is a hot new neighbour moving in across the street from me wearing nothing but his muscles and a pair of skimpy shorts while moving in? Nope, still just an 80 something year old gentleman with a cranky little dog.
I have no real truely good excuse for not doing the gardening.....except maybe one. My lawn gnome.

I am afraid if I plant lovely flowers around him I will become like one of those little old ladies that has lovely flowers with a lawn full of little dwarfs, gnomes and lawn jockies that take themselves far too seriously and think that their garden is the most spectacularly beautiful creation since God made Eden.

I'm not that old yet.

What is the solution to this age old "taking your ornamentation to seriously" problem?

A Turkey. Turkey decoys to be exact. The other half of we was discarding perfectly good ones that he no longer wished to hunt with. I have rescued their beeeehinds from the garbage and will have at least one rumaging through the plants. Probably staring at my neighbours house directly beside her laneway just to bug her. I want to see how long it needs to be there before she asks me the purpose of having the thing there. I'll just tell her it's to scare away the squirrels. (giggle)

Blogs are good for something after all! I've just thought through a problem and came up with the perfect solution. I'll decorate with turkeys this year and forget the flowers.

Clarification

Ah yes, it was pointed out that there may be some confusion. Being Canadian, we do everything in metric. Here's the translation:

30 eh! (Canadian)= 30 Celcius (the rest of the planet minus the States) which is 86 Fahrenheit (U.S.A.) or 303 Kelvin if you're so inclined.

40 eh?! = 40 Celcius which is 104 Fahrenheit or 313 K.

What does this all mean? I'm roasting baby!

I've dug into my winter stock of cartoons for this one I had done while lounging at the ski hill. It's refreshing after the 30 degree temperatures we've been having this week. Not to be out done by other warmer places we added a breathtaking humidity factor (truely breathtaking) to bring us up around mid to high 30's.

Before calling me a wimp, remember afterall, I am a Canadian! We're supposed to be pale and cold. It's what we do best!

A quick note from Vicki before I go:

Hello Darlings,

I just wanted to drop you a quick note letting you know I'll be soon travelling again.

Mr. Perpetual Chocoholic hasn't agreed to bring me along for his whirlwind tour of Europe, so I'll need to sneak my little self on board again. I'm not looking forward to the long journey in the overhead compartment, but I'll do it if it means I'll get to experience Italy and France.

I hear that in France most people don't even go through a bar of soap in a year. You have no idea how thrilled I am that I'm a Canadian undergarment if this is true. Phew darlings! Take a bath a little more often and give us all a break!

Much Love,

Vicki