Let the Parade Begin

I generally try to get to bed by midnight. Ok, actually 1am, but I was good on this particular night. Just when I was starting to settle two, almost 11 years old, gigglers (only one was mine) called me to the room with a very grave concern.

"We hear scratching coming from the wall! Then a thump, thump, thump, then more scratching!" Says one.
"The 'Extra child' thinks it might be a ghost." says One of Four while laughing nervously.

"hmmm. Considering that Spotty the Rat lives in his cage against the wall you are talking about, I'm quite sure that it is him you are hearing." I reply.
"But if you are really worried, and you think that it IS a ghost and you see it coming for you, just yell out "Whoooowaaaah!" and that'll take care of it for you. At least, that what works for me." I leave behind two giggling pre-teens.

Finally sleep catches up to me when I hear a loud bang. Three of Four jumping down from her bunk to go to the little ladies room. I fall back asleep.

"Psssst. Psssst." I hear a leak in a tire somewhere I say to my husband.
"No, it's me (1 of 4.....yet again). Three of Four went to the toilet about 20 minutes ago and didn't go back to her room. 'Extra' and I went to check up on her and she's asleep on the toilet." She says her voice broken intermittently by hysterical laughing.

"Gee Three. I didn't know toilet paper holders made good pillows too!" I sighed as she grumbled and shot me a hateful look as I awoke her and escorted her back to her room. Getting her there was one ordeal. Getting her into a high bunk was yet another. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't fun.

Once again, sleep manages to find me despite my frequent changes of address on this night. Unfortunately, they must feel I'm ready for yet another rude awakening, despite my thinking I may actually be able to live in my dream land for a while.

"Mom," says Two of Four quite firmly, not to be left out of this evenings events, "can I invite a friend over too?!"
"You mean now, at 3:10 in the morning?" I reply disbelievingly.
"Oh. Maybe now wouldn't be good." she mumbles, seemingly shocked by the time.
"Can I tomorrow then?" She asks sheepishly.
"Two! " I will not have a discussion about social invitations at this time of the night! GO TO BED!

God bless little Four of Four. The one that usually wakens me with nightmares, lonelyness, or requests manages to sleep through the night. That's ok though. Her sisters and friend more than made up for her one night off!!!

By the way. Mr. P. tells me I should go to bed earlier then I won't be so tired all of the time. Honestly. Would it really matter? It's just that much more time that someone would have to wake me up.

It was late. I decided to check the locks before retiring to bed for the evening. I casually walk over to the door of my apartment, sure that it must be locked, since I am the only one living there. Darn! It's unlocked. It's that crazy woman again leaving the door unlocked when she comes in. It's just then that she re-enters the apartment. Rushed and dressed to the teeth for an outting with....an ostrich perhaps. Her feather boa is full, fabulous and definately out of style.

I have never actually met her before, and am a little taken aback by her flamboyant appearance. None the less, I give her heck for leaving the apartment door unlocked. "It's not safe you know!" I chide her. Annoyed with myself for allowing her to have a key.

She seems unconcerned and goes on with her business. The tramp!

I walk down the hall towards the bedroom. It's dimly lit. The only light is provided by God's own moon. The windowless hallway is short and it's but a few steps to the comfort of cool sheets, warm blankets and a soft pillow. Perfect peace and happy slumber.

Unfortunately, Two other individuals have other plans for me. They must have let themselves in through the unlocked door.
"Blasted woman!" I say as I see their wispy figures materialize before me. Ghosts.

"Wooooooo! We're here to get you Sandi." Says the first.
The second pops in unceremoniously.

I am frightend at first, but then just annoyed that they are standing between me and my cozy bed. I know there is no polite request that will assure their departure. One must be firm when dealing with the spirit world.

"WWWWUUUUAAAAAH!" I scream as loud as humanly possible. It's drastic, but the only chance I have to rid myself of my unwanted visitors is to scare them away.

"Shhhh. It's ok dear! It's ok. Shhhh." I hear as I feel a gentle pat on my arm. I awaken.

"Did I just scream out loud?" I say unbelievingly
"Yes!" The other half of we replies, "and you just about gave me a heart attack you screamed so loudly!"

We settle back, letting sleep again overcome us. Well, one of us does. I get a bad case of the giggles. Actually, it starts off as giggling and then turns into hysterical belly laughing and snorting. Enough to shake the bed.

Twenty minutes later, after I start to come down from my happy high, I tell the Mr. that, "at least I'm not my father!"

One night while entwined in his sheets, feeling he is being restrained by an angry assailant, he uses his best kick boxing and karate moves to fight and break free. My mother was not a happy woman that night.

Not to be undone, my mother, also being attacked by unrelenting night time assailants, brings her leg back to get a full kick at her ghostly enemy. My father finished his sleep in the other room.

I'm not sure why my family is plagued by these types of dreams, which tend to end in our partners being startled, bruised, or just plain sleep deprived, but gosh....they sure are fun!

I fear it's too late my friends. While shopping at a quirky, up-scale little toy store yesterday I came across Gnome cinnamon flavoured gum. After my initial shock wore off I noticed the gnome lip balm hanging from a rack above. Where is this world going to.

I'm not sure, as shocking as the gnome products were, how I felt about the "Next to the Last Supper" Jesus Gum, and "Jesus Rocks" candy. Something just seemed so wrong about them!

Anyhow, everywhere I go gnomes seem to be invading my space. I'm completely sick of talking about them, but can't get away from them. Sadly, as much as I regret the passing of summer, the one thing to look forward to is that there will be few gnomes dotting the landscape during a good Canadian winter. At least here in my city. If you are a resident of a other certain city. I'm not mentioning any names Toronto, they need to call the army in to help when you get a snow storm. Wimps!

Now onto the really exciting and important business. Only two more weeks to school! Yeah baby!!!!!!!

Gno! Say It Ain't So!

It was a substitute for our missed Thursday evening romps through the neighbourhood, coffee in tow. There was a couple of weeks worth of conversation to make up for. News was exchanged.

A strange thing happens when you fall out of a regular routine for a time. Muscles take offence to being fired up after a vacation. Coffee shops close earlier than was previously the norm. The long and short of it is that we landed up back in the yard of adventures abode.

We had been coming to the end of a refreshingly cleansing discussion. Purging all of the anxieties of the past weeks under the bright light of a 3/4 moon. The grass felt greener in her garden. The air cool, the chairs more comfortable. The neighbours more interesting than the walker clad ones inhabiting mine. The soft bubbling from the koi pond in the background. Perfect peace! And then I saw IT!

Much to my alarm, out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of a flash of red. Normally under these circumstances I would feign ignorance to the offending creature, but unfortunately I stopped mid sentence and froze. Like a tongue on an icy door handle on a cold winters day (yes, I have unfortunately tried this. As a child of course!)

"Oh gno! You have.....a gnome." I mutter as if in doing so quietly it won't take notice of my knowledge of it's presence in the yard.

"Yes, but it's not the other kind." she calmly replies.

I'm not sure I know what she meant by "the other kind." I believe she may have been referring to the fact that it was not an actual forest gnome. I couldn't ask for an explanation. Much to my chagrin, one of my most favourite safe and happy places had been assimilated by them.

Sadly my friends, I have to report that Adventurer, a previously brave mocker of lawn ornamentation, is in posession of a lawn gnome. Or actually....a lawn gnome has taken possession of her family.

Be afraid.....be VERY afraid. You may be next!

Friday Funnies on Saturday

I was quite annoyed to find out that the usual radio talk show that I listen to late week night evenings had been replaced by "The X Zone" while the regular host was vacationing.

Aliens, Big Foot, conspiracy theories and any other wackiness you can think of is the basis for this show. Well guess what was on the other night!
I was just about to turn off the radio when I heard a guest discussing forest gnomes. Apparently, he had seen them himself! A large adult female and younger child gnome frolicing along the edge of a wooded area. I have just one question.

WHAT THE HECK IS A FOREST GNOME!? And do they look like the one planted in the front garden of my home? Beware! Gnomes are everywhere!

Enough with the serious and on to the silly. This was e-mailed to me by a neighbour. Let's call her White Mocha after a favourite Starbucks treat.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are._______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." _________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand. ______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog. ___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Only three more weeks until school starts. This year I have to walk down the street to the "New and improved" bus stop. It should be interesting.

The Other Use for Gnomes

They aren't just for decorating any more folks!

I picked up "Velocity" by Dean Koontz and read the following.....

.....Ned Pearsall raised a toast to his deceased neighbor, Henry Friddle, whose death greatly pleased him.
Henry had been killed by a garden gnome. He had fallen off the roof of his two-story house, onto that cheerful-looking figure. The gnome was made of concrete. Henry wasn't.

You were all right! Lawn gnomes are evil! And Mr. Koontz is under their control. He's threatening us with death by lawn gnome. It's a warning to us all!

Who woulda thunk they'd make such good weapons too! Well....aside from many of you who tried to warn me of their evilness!

Your Friday Giggle

I know, I know. It's not Friday. It just feels that way. It's 48 degrees up here today with the humidity....yes, celcius. Which I am told by the radio announcer is 118 F. So we need something to laugh about. It's also the start of Mr. P.'s holidays. (And Vicki's, she's just returned from South Carolina and was too tired to type.) A neighbour sent me these and they were funny .... for a change.

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Believe it or not I did edit out a few of the more.....colourful ones!

Happy Friday!