Last Mom Standing

Caution! This entry contains Barbie nudity and possibly some course language by the end of my rant. Viewer discretion is advised!


I was going to spend this blog entry speaking about the charming creature I found dressed in a skirt and lovely matching scarf at the grocery store a while back. (No....it wasn't a kilt he was wearing. Most definately a cordoroy skirt.) The cable to hook my cell phone up to the computer was missing....big suprise. This led me to sit in frustration and scan my desktop.

I just want to know who the heck had a party at my desk and forgot to invite me! I will clean it, yet again, and by tomorrow or the next day tops it will be right back to the way it was today.

I stood at the bus stop this morning (after a rousing game of beat the bus) with my neighbour and her two daughters. Long after the bus had left her remaining four year old child continued on with the all out screaming tantrum that she had apparently started long before in the house. Let's call my friend"White Mocha" after her favourite Starbucks treat, offered to kindly donate the minor to our family free of charge. As generous as the offer was, I had to decline. I have an identical model already inhabiting our humble abode. She's called Three of Four. And on some days she can seem horrendously evil.

I feel bad for my friend having to remain cooped up in her house with such a beastly creature. So, out of the kindness of my heart, I will go out to coffee with her this afternoon so that she will have a chance to get away from sharing quality time alone with her daughter. I don't do this for just anyone you understand. Going to coffee is one of the more trying dutiesthat my job entails.

Anyhow, this lead me to think that there should be a show in the spirit of "Last Comic Standing" called Last Mom Standing. As painful as it would be to watch, I would get a deep down sense of relief watching the show and seeing that other peoples' kids can be as rotten as mine sometimes are, and that doesn't make me a bad parent for wanting to donate them to my friends occastionally.

As much as I love my children, there are times when I wish that children were something that you take out on special occasions and put away when you aren't using them. The rest of the time however, I feel blessed and greatful that they are here. Oddly enough at the end of a particularily trying day, it's usually when they are asleep and looking so angelic that I am greatful.

Well, that's it for today. I need to dislodge the rat from the pencil he has just destroyed and get him to his cage before he moves onto the wiring.

It's a lovely day in the neighbourhood

Notice to all neighbourhood squirrels:

Please refrain from leaving squirrel nuggets on our fence. Although yes, we did spend a substantial amount of money to errect a new perch for your sitting pleasure, it was not intended to also double as a toilet. Also, please fight the urge to urinate on the bike seats, stroller tray and any other item sitting around the doorstep.

Stop begging at the back patio door for your breakfast after 8am....the kitchen is closed! If you don't get served by Mr. P. before that time, no amount of begging, chirping, twitching or flinging of squirrel nuggets will persuade me to give up the goods.


Notice to new Canadians:

We welcome you to our country, enjoy. Please however consider wearing deodourant and showering once in a while, especially before shopping at a mall. We here in Canada have lots of water. Don't worry about running out, we won't.

Also, although I am sure you were brought up to speed on the weather situation here, let me reinforce the fact that it is a colder climate than most. Sandals with bare feet are not an appropriate choice for now or during the middle of winter. Feet are especially unattractive when they are cold!

Finally, to the gentleman (and I use this term loosely!) who was pleasuring himself in front of the potato chips at the grocery store:

Maybe you could wear some underwear under your robe. Maybe some people are impressed with your "tent" making abilities....I am not one of them however. I would prefer not to have to explain to my children why "that man in the long white dress is spending so much time smiling at the barbeque potato chips. Oh, and by the way mom, what's that he's holding on to through his dress?" Also, please find a more suitable place to shake hands with your best friend. I don't need to share that.

I've seen this a few times and it never fails to amaze even my little brain. Someone needs to go back to grade school to learn how to spell!;-)

The phenomenal power of the human mind

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdaniegThe phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

Givin' Money To God

I was preparing to post for today when it was preempted by 4 of 4's comments. I now post her conversation....already in progress:

4 of 4:"So Dariah and Charlese, some people sneaked into their house and took their somethings and their stuff. They were really bad people. Why would they do that?"

Perp: "They did it because they wanted money probably."

4 of 4: "Why they want money for?"

Perp: (hmmmm. I don't want to get into a discussion about drugs, or wayward teens or pawn shops....) Maybe they were hungry and wanted money for food. It's not right that they stole something to get that money, but it happens."

4 of 4: "They should have just went to the bank machine."

Perp: "But you can't take money out if you don't have any money in your account. You have to put money in before you take it out!"

4 of 4: "Like the woman Jesus talked about who gave all the money she had away to the bank machine."

I guess this must be the modern version of the old parable.

Clarification

There has been some concern raised that the "blemish" on Mr. P. in the afore mentioned blog entry may be assumed to be on one of the more delicate and unmentionable areas of his body. Let me take this opportunity to make it clear that the blemish was actually on his face. He just didn't want it known that he used a touch of concealer to cover the outrageously large zit. Oooops!

Yesterday I also received the following from one of my dear cousins:

Warning!! Aliens are coming to abduct all the good looking and sexy people. You will be safe, I'm just e-mailing you to say good-bye.

Upon further clarification we were told that I too was to be abducted, but not Mr. P. I guess no amount of concealer can adequately cover blemishes as to render them invisible to aliens. As for myself, well you saw the picture I posted a couple of days ago. I'm not holding my breath. I think I'll be on the planet for a long, long, long, long time.

Thank you. That's all.

Growing Older, The Funny Part

Today I awoke to a sore back and a husband that thought it would be hilariously funny to write a "tell all" story on my deterioration through the aging process. I did not, however, find this amusing. Not at first anyhow.

I spent some time this morning reflecting on some changes that I have noticed with regards to The Other Half Of We that I do find funny. Here they are.

You know you are getting old when:

*Your wallet, which you have worn in the same pant pocket for many a year, starts to cause problems in your back and you are forced to wear it on the other side. TaDa! This works!

*There is more hair growing on previously virginal hair areas than what is actually growing on your head, which now looks like virginal hair territory.

*The sport which was once enjoyed as a true passion to the point of obsession, is now more of an uphill battle than a downhill ski run.

*Golfing seems like a more age appropriate workout than cycling.

*While you once threatend to replace an aging wife with two twenty year olds, that now seems like child molestation, since they are closer in age to your daughter than yourself.

*You're asleep by 8pm sharp on the couch.....oh wait, that's not something new. You've always done that.

*The mathmatics that was once advanced calculus for you in high school is now being taught at your 11 year olds grade 6 level. And there aren't nuns with rulers standing over her ready to beat it into her.

*People you know are starting to look like their relatives when their relatives were really old.

*You just don't get that younger generation anymore. You know.....anyone younger than 42.

*You used to sneak all manner of creatures onto school buses and into your parents home, but now don't want your kids to get even a dog.

*Psst...I won't mention the thing you were worried that I might mention on my blog....you know, the hiding of a blemish.

I think I'll stop there. I have a couple more good ones, but I don't want a divorce just yet, so they'll have to wait for another time.

Anyhow Mr. Perpetual Chocoholic, I still love you, you old man. And I never threaten to trade you for two twenty year olds. You can thank me by sending me for a trip to Jamaica baby.....alone;-)

Well there goes Spotty trying to impress by showing off his more flashy end again. Not my doing. He likes to be the eyes in the back of my head. If something nasty is coming my way he just digs in...literally, and scratches my face off trying to get away. But at least I know something nasty is coming!

Things were a little harried for a while in our extended family. Birthdays, serious illness' of relatives, death in one case. (We'll miss you Uncle J.) But look out, I'm back. I think I may have been abducted by lawn ornamentation again, because that's the only reason I can explain my not writing for so long. It seems time is in a vacuum when I'm with them.

Boy, do I ever feel like Garfield looks this morning. Only I'm not holding a coffee, but I wish I were! Happy Monday.