A Day in the Life of Four Kids...Rolled into One

Hmmmm......
What can I do, do with my day?
I have one ahead of me
To work, sleep or play

I think I'll sleep late.
At least until 9
Then I'll get up
And on chocolate I'll dine!

My Mother won't know
As I sneak to her jar
Of dark chocolate chips
They aren't up very far

Once I am done
I'll go bother my sisters
I'll punch, poke, and spit
Till they break out in blisters

Then what should I do
Hmmm.....what to do next
I'll bug them some more
By now mom's getting vexed

Off to my cousins',
Where we like to play!
We like to use powder
Rooms have a fragrant bouquet!

Now time for more fighting
Slapping I think
Or playing with water
In the bathroom sink

Next I'll break a chair
A custom made one works best
To get the best reaction
[giggle] the parents looked stressed!

And because kids are kids
(This one was not planned)
I'll break an heirloom vase
Oh! Wasn't that just grande!

Now Mom's face is red
I think she might blow
She's about at her limit
It's soon time to go!

Now for the grand finale!
A stunt to impress!
My young cousins' daddy
Mom draws a lady with no dress

Well actually, my mom
She only drew boobs!
On the daddy's desktop
My mom's such a rube!

She used permanent black marker
She said they were eyes
And that they went through the paper
(I think they were lies)

What is that, that you say?
It's now time to leave?
You say you're embarrased?
With all we've achieved?

Out the door we go
We may not come back
Even if invited
We'll decline with some tact

Just another day
A normal one for me
I like to explore my limits
I like to be free

To do what I want
To do what pops into my head
From the first thing in the morning
Until it's finally time for bed

The very end

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTA

Happy birthday toooo you
Happy birthday toooo you
You're the craziest chick I know
Happy birthday toooo you!

Love PerpetualChocoholic

Dust Doggies

Hi all. Anyone know how to build a rabbit hutch? I just took a look under my bed again, and feel I am fighting a loosing battle. The dust bunnies breed quicker than real rabbits. I've decided I've had enough. They win. I figure if I put them in a hutch, maybe they will contain themselves to that confined space and I can pull it out every once in a while without having to clean everywhere under my bed. I actually think though that "dust bunnies" is not the proper term to use to describe what I have. I have no bunnies shedding in my house. I do however have a dog. A large yellow furry shedding dog frequenting my bedroom space. So technically speaking....I have dust doggies under my bed. I wonder if a leash might be a more appropriate choice, that being the case. Before you ask....no I am not bored, high or on any sort of mind altering drug. Medication yes. Drugs no. (Does chocolate count as a drug?)

A Question to Ponder

A question has been brought forward to me. Your comments are desired please:

If Jacques is a female dog, who is not allowed to be referred to as a female, then presumably she is also not allowed to act as a female either. This being the case....how does she pee? Squat like a lady? or the ever popular leg lift like a gentleman? Or is there a third way a confused dog should pee, that will appear to be more unisex in nature?

My Poem about Jacques

Jacques, Jacques, Jacques
How'd you end up with that?
A female dog, brown you may be
With two male owners
(They're gay as can be!)

Gay married men
Not gay as in happy
Seem to hate women
Thinks they are crappy!

They buy a female dog
Whom they promptly name Jacques
And tell their two kids
Without any tact

"Don't call her a girl!"
A she, her or bitch
Don't refer to her as female
(Oh, isn't that rich!)

My question for them
Is only this
Why'd you buy a female
If she can't bring you bliss!

A dog is to love
Not to teach hate
Or treat really nasty
Or to humiliate

She's a GIRL, SHE'S A GIRL!
You can't change that
She's of the female race
On which you have spat.

(I wish dogs had PMS.)

The very end!

Almost the right size

Just a little chocolate to help me deal with 40. I wonder if they make any larger sized bars. Thanks to Kevin (who claims he's only 28 ...HA!) Nancy who will 40 next, Wil, Caleb and Sean.

Invasion of the body switchers

YIKES!

I awoke today to yet another horrific scene! I looked in the mirror this morning and sometime during the night while I was hooking up with the sandman somebody switched my body with this hiddeous creation that couldn't possibly be me!

Greying hair! (well, actually a few strands of white. Strawberry blondes don't actually go grey, they jump right to white.) Wrinkles! Who put those there! What kind of terrible joke was that?Fat and cellulite. Good gracious! (That's the strongest I can say on a family website. Plus I'm not a cursing person being a Christian and all. But I want to say something more like *$%#*7! believe me!) And my memory, I have the memory of a .......what was I talking about again?

At least the perpetrator of these crimes left my fabulous breasts alone. Thank God they didn't drop anymore. I would have had to get one of the kids to help me pick them up off the floor. And what's this I hear about people complaining about their butt dropping? Mine is still in the same place. I guess I'm lucky for that. Everytime it looks like it's going to go south I just eat more and fill it out a bit more. That must keep it in place.

I believe the sick individuals who are the perpetrators of this crime are the very same ones who keep breaking in my house and stealing single socks. (see my May entry on my blog for the description of that crime.) If you have any information about either of these crimes, please forward the information to me. These individuals need to be stopped. Not only do I continue to run low on pairs of socks, but I'm starting to find perpetual aches and pains popping up. These individuals must be stopped before I actually get.....OLD!

The only thing that keeps me going with a stiff upper lip is that many of you have also been through this ahead of me. Your're already old....or at least look it. Even more so than me! (snicker)

P.S. Does anybody know who's bratty kids are living at my house? I wish you'd come and pick them up because they are driving me insane!

Bring it on!

So. I sit here in my cool and comfortable basement. Hidden away from the kids who are currently planted in front of the electronic babysitter learning life lessons from brightly coloured animals and Dora the explorer. Pondering what would be a good activity to do today keeping in mind that the temperature this week will not dip below 30 degrees. The list of activities and my thoughts on each are as follows:

Swimming (outdoors) = sunburns all round for everybody. Do they make sunscreen in a 90? Can everybody say "skin cancer!"

Swimming (indoor pool) = everybody sick after last visit to city pool. At this time of the year the "water" is primarily made up of Urine. I look forward to the yearly maintenance when they actually change it back from a urine bath to a pool.

Beach Park = sunburns, heat stroke, gnats, screaming children, whining about the heat, begging for another 2nd, 3rd and 4th ice cream from the snack bar, sticky children needing to use a public bathroom at the beach park. Sand in their bathing suits, ecoli in the water, imminent infection, round of antibiotics to follow, scraped knees, the obligatory accidental fall by somebody, tears. Yuck!

Biking/walking/running/playing = Heat stroke, sunburn, mom having to walk everybody's bike back because their legs are to hot and tired to go another step further.

Craft (indoors) = mess, fighting over materials which eventually leads to hitting fights, then punching, hair pulling, biting, stabbing, police, white chalk lines and jail for somebody. Appealing.

TV = me sitting in a cool and comfortable basement. Hidden away from the kids who are currently planted in front of the electronic babysitter learning life lessons from brightly coloured animals and Dora the explorer.

There are my choices for today. They've had very busy days since the end of school up 'till now.
Hmmmmm. Decisions, decisions. What to do, yes....what to do.

[Sigh] [guilt sets in] Ok, somebody pass the sunscreen, look out beach park here we come.

Thank you God for the gift of this beautiful day with my children. Many would change places with me in an instant, despite the difficulties that arise during the course of the day. AMEN!

Ode to Baby Powder

Powder white, powder bright
Powder in my nose tonight
Powder here, powder there
Powder floating everywhere!

In the carpet
On the walls
In three rooms
In the halls

Water puddled on the floor
Powder thrown on top
Powder cakes mixed everywhere
When will the madness stop!

Corn starch powder makes great storms
Make believe they are
To a pair of little ones
A whole bottle goes quite far!

Wild puffs of powder spread throughout
A frosty look appears
Covering hair, face and clothes
Collecting in their ears.

Little tiny footprints
Tracking through that "snow"
What ever started this activity
We may never know

Hush now sweetie, it's ok
No need for all those tears
All you need remember is
They'll soon grow up in years

Then you can tell them when they come
With stories of their children
What rotten little kids they were!
And you won't let it soon be forgotten

All kidding put aside
It will soon be something cute
To remember long from now
It certainly was a hoot!

Cough, Cough
The very end.

Another Proud Moment

Another proud moment for me occured for me today, or so I thought. Jessica has learned to brush her teeth on her own. Picture this:

My little angel has accomplished yet another first. She has initiated brushing her teeth alone before bed without being asked. I walked into the bathroom after getting her dressed for bed to find her standing there, battery run electric Veggietales toothbrush in hand with adequate amount of cinnamon toothpaste delicately balanced on top of bristles. She refuses to use the mint toothpaste. Apparently it's too spicy. Plus a girl likes to get that fabulous white smile that occurs with the whitening formula cinnamon toothpaste with the great cinnamon taste. As I walk in the room the end of the toothbrush disappears into my baby's mouth. Bristles twirling and buzzing all the while. I am proud. I am a good mother. In fact, Erin told me the other day that I am the best mother in the world. I think that she may be right! I have taught my daughter the importance of good dental hygiene starting at an eary age. I am truly amazing!

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
Proverbs 16:18

Oooooh! When God decides to teach someone a lesson....man, look out!

I see something red and sparkly out of the corner of my eye. Cinnamon toothpaste. Whitening formula for that spectacularly white smile.

Sandi: "Jessica why is there cinnamon toothpaste smeared all over the ENTIRE toilet seat?!"

Jessica: "I rinse my toothbrush there. I put too much on dat brush."

Sandi: "BLAHHHHHHHHH! We don't use the toilet water to rinse our toothbrush in!!!!! That's even more disgusting than when I found you eating your boog today!

def: boog=nasal discharge. Found to be particularily appealing and edible to anyone anyone under 5 years of age. Part of the 5th food group.

Sandi: "We talked about this! We don't use the toilet for washing anything! Not our hands, toys and certainly not our toothbrushes!"

Jessica: giggle, giggle. "Ok, sorry a do dat mom." She continues to brush her teeth.


The lessons that I have learned from this are: that if you really need to be proud of something, don't get carried away. There's proud and then there's top of the universe proud. Secondly, never, ever leave a 2 and a half year old in the bathroom alone. Finally, keep my own toothbrush locked away in the hall closet in case she decides she wants to rinse it for me some day. If she's feeling helpful, she can rinse Daddy's instead.

HAPPY CANADA DAY!

First Day of Summer Holidays for the Kids

The long anticipated time has finally arrived for school aged children. Summer vacation. As a stay at home parent at the end of the first day I have only one question. How many days until September?

Summer Solstice

Welcome to the longest day of the year....tomorrow on the 21st. Thank you God! I remember a time when I used to look forward to those long hazy days with extended daylight hours. Sitting out at 9:20 pm watching the sunset with a cup of steaming tea. Mosquitos munching all the while, getting their fill of me. Now I am just constantly looking for new ways to explain to my kids why it's bed time even though it's light outside. I am running out of explanations. It seems that a two year old is just not willing to accept that though it is light outside, it is bedtime. Each night while explaining about the legnthening of the days she just laughs and says "that's silly.... it's not bedtime!" How does one explain to an individual who is so short of years and experiences and is still passing through her years of infantile amnesia that the legnthening of days is a normal occurance at this time of the year. What, after all, is a year? She describes things which have happend earlier in the day, week and month as "last night". Her favoured description of the passing of time.
My dog on the other hand is acutely aware of time. He know that Saturday is "pancake day" and greets me at the stove bright and early as soon as I arise. Running back and forth from bowl to stove excitedly when I enter the kitchen. He knows bed time snack time and each and every walk time down to the very second it habitually takes place. He knows the very important hour when he must greet the school bus each week day so that he can perform his very important task of peeing on the tire. He knows the time of the year when he has to go to the vet for shots and a check up. No matter how hard I try, he always figures out that the car ride isn't a normal pleasure trip, but is one that will end in prodding and a needle or two. I only have to show my dog something twice before it becomes part of his routine. Whether it's something he likes or not.
I am convinced that deep down my kids internal clocks also alert them to the passing of time. They just choose to turn away from the cues and fight bedtime, looking for any loophole that they can find.
Enjoy the longest day of the year....June 21st and parents be glad. The days of having to explain why it's bedtime are quickly winding down.

Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Brain Gone

Oh where, oh where has my little brain gone
Oh where, oh where can it be?
I just turned my head
YES, that's what I said
And now it's been stolen from me!

Oh where, oh where has my little brain gone
Oh where, oh where can it be
It's not that you'd find
All that much in my mind
Or that theres much of a difference in me.

Oh where, oh where has my little brain gone
Oh where, oh where can it be
It just took up space
But kept my hair in place
Beneath my skull can't you see?

Oh where, oh where has my little brain gone
Oh where, oh where can it be
I just want it back
I'm not giving you flak
I just want it returned back to me

the very end

Another Day Another Dollar

Well, gid'ay all. Another day, another ...... wait! That's right! I don't work for a living. I'm a stay at home mom. I have no relevant job! At least I don't according to our government. My services could be better provided by somebody else in an institution where there are a large number of children gathered together like sheep. The shepherds of these flocks of children can then assimilate them into the Liberal fold. Vote for the Paul Martin government. They can all be trained to be "politically correct" and remove God from their vocabulary. Only then when this is done can I go out and find work at a real job where I can make a small salary that the government can take most of and use to supplement their own questionable activities all in the name of "It's what Canadians want." The worst part of this is that it can all be done with the blessings of much of the Canadian population. To do anything else would be scary! Because the alternative is a party with a hidden agenda. Ooooh! scary!

For Sale

For Sale. One small, grey gelatinous 1965 female brain. Rarely used. Almost like new. Perfect for any imbecile, idiot or brainless person looking to upgrade only slightly. (Perfect for any man.) Comes fully equipped with extrordinary olfactory capabilities, mother's intuition, chocolate location monitor, and GPS best deal locator. Ability to tune out external stimuli is supurb. All offers will be considered.

Dogmometer

Animals are always a good indicator of what the weather outside is like. Even better than the weather network or forcasters. (Ooooh! that's real hard!) Today was no exception. At a temperature of 31 degrees (yes, that's celcius....and no, it didn't melt the igloos up here in Canada.) with a humididex of 37, my dog excitedly walked out the door, turned and promptly walked right back in again. That's when you know it's hot.
I can tell when a thunderstorm is coming too. If I look out and see my dog shaking like a leaf with tail between his legs I know theres a big one coming and one should run for cover!
My plants are still sitting in their containers, wilted and neglected looking. How else are they supposed to look still potted on June the 6th with this heat. What ever happend to spring? I think I must have missed it when I blinked. Complain as I must, I am however glad that we at least have sun. I can work on my sun burn.

How hot is too hot?

I hate to be one to complain....(snicker) but could you please tell me how one is supposed to even attempt to adjust to going from soggy, dripping wet, chilly days that force one to dress is Autumn attire to "please don't wear your thong around your yard where we (the neighbours) can see you. And by the way, where is your bikini top? Is butt floss an appropriate bathing suit for a woman of your age and ample build?"

Ok. So I don't really own a thong....that I'm willing to admit to. And I do have a shirt and bra on. (otherwise my boobs would be banging on my knee caps. I hate when that happens!) But we were stuck in the house because of the rain. Now we are stuck in the house because my wee ones are burning even with sun screen on.

definition: wee ones=children. (get your mind off my chest)

OK, OK. I know! I asked for the heat. I just wished a few days of 22 degrees or so had come first to prepare me for the transition. I could have had all of my planting done so that I'm not crisping while doing it. I am after all fair skinned.

definition: Fair skinned=ghostly pale with ugly brown splotchy freckles and moles covering
every spare mm of ones body. (Ooooh! how lovely! Nothing's more attractive than a native born, naturally strawberry blonde Canadian, eh?)

I fully expect to develop skin cancer in the next couple of years or so.

Have a fabulous day. Enjoy the sun while it lasts. The way the weather has been this year, I expect we will soon be seeing snow.

P.S. Is there such a thing as a thong with a control top for that belly bulge?

Ode to Mosquitos

I love mosquitos
Mosquitos, mosquitos everywhere
I love mosquitos
In my eyes, up my nose, in my hair

I love mosquitos
They are faithful through and through
To their most important calling
A blood sucking annoyance to you

I love mosquitos
And their itchy bite
Itchy, itchy scratching
Scratch with all your might

I love mosquitos
I breed them in my yard
Small pools of stagnant water
It isn't very hard!

I love mosquitos
I wish they were around all year
'Cause when they finally peter out
I find I shed a tear

I love mosquitos
Though not as much as you
And so I'm willing to send them all
With their larvae too

I love mosquitos
When they are at YOUR house
Please feel free to keep them
And share them with your spouce

My Spring

It's that time of the year that I mentally prepare for from the first hard frost of Autumn when everything melts into a mushy pile of rotting plant matter. May 25th ish. Planting time. The fragrant smell of lilacs and fresh loamy soil. The neighbours sticking their heads outside of their houses for longer than it takes to run from a heated car to the house. The sound of gentle rain tapping on the roof tops, followed by a warming sun drying out the puddles. Planting a wide array of rainbow coloured flowers of varying types and blooming seasons. Eagerly awaiting the time when their beauty can adorn my kitchen table. Vegetables planted in anticipation of fresh flavours bursting in our mouths at harvest time. Yes, this is my usual Spring.

This year things just haven't had the same appeal. Is it me or are there others out there feeling the same way? I look at the soil and think, it stinks. Mud, mud and more mud everywhere. But HEY! at least the grass is green! Doggie doo's litter my lawn and don't seem to be picking themselves up. A crowded market place makes parking difficult. (Ya right! you expect me to take public transit with a load of plants?!) Bug's crawling up my arms and legs as I find few places to sit that don't contain an ant hill. (That also includes inside of my house? Only here the ants are just shopping for dinner.) Smooshed worms littering my driveway after the continual downpours of this Spring. Sun? What's that? Rainbow of coloured flowers? My daughter picked the first totally black viola's I have seen in my entire life? Hmmm....where were these gems hiding previous years? I can't see my vegetable garden soil through the weeds. They came up faster than dinner on a rollercoster! (ooooh! that's a pleasant image.) My tacky lawn ornaments and furniture have yet to be dragged out so it can be used for all of 2 months at best, if it stops raining long enough to sit outside. That's worth the effort!

Do I want winter back?....HECK NO!
Do I want more rain?......What do you think?

Bring on the sun! It's time for some pleasant Spring rituals again.

Down to 10 single socks

Woo Hoo! I'm down from 13 to 10 single socks.

Switcharoo trick

WARNING!

Be on the lookout for the individual or individuals who are responsible for the following crimes:

Switch-a-roo and the great sock caper
I awoke this morning to find that somebody had switched my sweet lovely children with horrible chocolate stealing, tantrum throwing, talking back evil ones who's sole purpose in life is to plot my downward spiral into insanity.
I know they are sneaking chocolate because the evidence is on their faces. I know they are throwing tantrums, because I am watching them. I know they are talking back because I am on the receiving end. I know they are trying to drive me insane, because that is what is happening. Their plan is working.
I also believe the same indiviual or individuals is guilty of sneaking socks out of the clothes basket when coming to switch my children with the afore mentioned ones. If you are reading this and you are the perpetrator of this horrific crime, please have the decency to at least come back and take the second sock of every pair. I am now up to 13 socks without a mate. (yes, I actually counted them.) I can't bare to do the laundry any more. I am afraid of what I might find. What's next....putting holes in all the underwear! Or how about for a jolly good laugh....no, no, I won't give you any further ideas.

Description of suspect(s):
*Will be driving a mini-van or other appropriate vehicle equiped with a large number of car and booster seats. Possibly with a dvd player or other form of entertainment if they are going any great distance. Ample number of cup holders for juice boxes and sippy cups.
*Likes to get interrogated while driving.
*Loves to listen to great musical hits like "the wheels on the bus" and "Old MacDonald." over and over and over again while driving. Does not find Bob the tomato or Larry the cucumber's voice annoying.
*Is one-legged.
*Has some fashion sense. Doesn't want to wear two socks from the same pair for fear someone might think they are wearing the same thing twice in a row.
*A great master-mind capable of scheming to come up with multiple diabolical plots to be carried out simultaneously.
*loves sweet, smart, creative, loving, caring, helpful, perfect children.
*Is a sick individual in need of some serious help.

I implore you to be on the lookout for the perpetrator(s) of these crimes. I am hoping that this crime can be solved before it is too late! I am running out of socks.

Thank you

Perpetual Chocoholic

So you think you're a chocoholic?

I am aware that being a chocolate lover is nothing new. The question I ask is how much chocolate do you have to eat to consider yourself a chocoholic? I know for a fact that I eat enough. How about you?

Signs you know that you are a serious chocoholic:

*Your faceprints, fingerprints and drool are smeared all over the Laura Secord's display case at the mall.

*People are starting to complain about the smell of chocolate perpetually on your breath despite the time of the day.

*You sleep walk to the chocolate jar sometime during the night. You know this because you awaken to melted chocolate on your hands and face and a scattering of chocolate chips on the sheets and floor beside the bed. (And you're fairly sure your significant other hasn't brought it to you in their sleep.)

*You have a chocolate jar. It's a big one. A really, really, large, takes up lots of cupboard space, kinda big one.

*Your chocolate chip cookies are made with more chocolate than cookie. And you like it that way!

*You know the phone number off by heart of the nearest chocolate factory that gives tours.

*You get the shakes if you haven't had your chocolate fix before 11am. And you know that no other type of caffeine will do!

*When people mention your name, they associate you with chocolate.....every time.

*You get offended if someone offers you something vanilla instead. (They should know you better than that!)

*You send your kids out at Halloween in hopes that they will get loads of chocolate. You then sneak it out of their bag when they are at school and hope they don't notice that it's missing. (hehehe!)

*While most human bodies are made from mostly water, yours has converted to mostly chocolate. Inevitable.

*If you stopped eating chocolate the industry would notice. People would loose their jobs, Cocoa growers would be in dire straits....(ok, now I'm getting a little silly. But you get the picture.)