It's beginning to look a lot like Spring time
Warm temperatures everywhere
The skis are all out
Even with no snow about
Warm balmy breezes blowing everywhere.....

It's beginning to look a lot like Spring time
Hot cocoa heats you up
Shed off that winter coat
The cocoa burns your throat
Mucky leaves and mud cakes everywhere.....

It's beginning to look a lot like Spring time
Santa can't come by
There's not a stitch of snow
He'll land on his ass I know
If he tried to land a sled without the snow

It's beginning to look a lot like Spring time
How can this all be
We're in Canada
Not in Nevada
Where the hell's the snow this time of year????

It's beginning to look a lot like Spring time
A white Christmas?
Not a chance
So get out your shorts and pools
With mitts you'd look a fool
And do your "Happy Global Warming" dance.

It's beginning to look a lot like Spring time
Jesus was born we know
In a warm climate
We're just being authentic
So let's have Christmas this way every year!

Christmas Caroles For The Mentally Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streetsand Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Treesand.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an OpenFire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'mGonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at thefroggy can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,JingleBells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,JingleBells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

This was e-mailed to me by a friend. If you take offense to any of this and think that I am posting this with you personally in mind, go back to #6 and Merry Christmas.

My excitement yesterday was too great to contain. I had to call somebody! I knew just who. Being the owner of one of the pair of angel fish I was excited about, I rang "White Mocha" with the good news. It went as follows:

Perp: "Our angel fish have spawned and there are little squiggly things squirming around on one of the leaves of the sword plant......(blah, blah, blah.)"

Mocha: "Great. I'll have to come and see them tomorrow."

[ding dong]

Perp: "Oh! Someones at the door and I'm naked. I have to go."

I opened the door to find my parents there, after I dressed myself of course, and it hit me. I just blurted out that I was naked to White Mocha. Will she think I always disrobe before making a call? Or just before I call her perhaps? I relate the end of the conversation to my parents. My father burst out into a fit of laughter. Not good. He has a more .... interesting sense of humour. I have to call her back to explain.

Perp: "I want to appologize and explain about my naked comment..."

Mocha: "huh?"

Perp: "I had been getting dressed when I noticed the angel fry and called right away before I got dressed. I had been wearing my underwear, so I wasn't actually naked. I usually don't make a point of calling people when I am dressing, but I just was so excited about the fish....."

Mocha: "S'ok. I didn't actually hear you say it, but I understand anyways."


After hanging up I started to wonder what exactly she understood. That she too would have been so excited and could not wait to make that ever important call, or that I am an insane person that has been know to do bizzare things and blurt out even crazier phrases and she's used to my odd behavior. Hmmm. I wonder.

This was sent to me by Adventurer. I just want to know if they sell a version of these that snores and wakes you up claiming that it's you snoring. Also, if it would just about bounce you off the bed when turning over and occasionally talk in it's sleep it would be just like the real thing. (If you had them scented with "ode to garlic breath after a large feist of foreign food breath".....heaven;-)

Last Mom Standing

Caution! This entry contains Barbie nudity and possibly some course language by the end of my rant. Viewer discretion is advised!


I was going to spend this blog entry speaking about the charming creature I found dressed in a skirt and lovely matching scarf at the grocery store a while back. (No....it wasn't a kilt he was wearing. Most definately a cordoroy skirt.) The cable to hook my cell phone up to the computer was missing....big suprise. This led me to sit in frustration and scan my desktop.

I just want to know who the heck had a party at my desk and forgot to invite me! I will clean it, yet again, and by tomorrow or the next day tops it will be right back to the way it was today.

I stood at the bus stop this morning (after a rousing game of beat the bus) with my neighbour and her two daughters. Long after the bus had left her remaining four year old child continued on with the all out screaming tantrum that she had apparently started long before in the house. Let's call my friend"White Mocha" after her favourite Starbucks treat, offered to kindly donate the minor to our family free of charge. As generous as the offer was, I had to decline. I have an identical model already inhabiting our humble abode. She's called Three of Four. And on some days she can seem horrendously evil.

I feel bad for my friend having to remain cooped up in her house with such a beastly creature. So, out of the kindness of my heart, I will go out to coffee with her this afternoon so that she will have a chance to get away from sharing quality time alone with her daughter. I don't do this for just anyone you understand. Going to coffee is one of the more trying dutiesthat my job entails.

Anyhow, this lead me to think that there should be a show in the spirit of "Last Comic Standing" called Last Mom Standing. As painful as it would be to watch, I would get a deep down sense of relief watching the show and seeing that other peoples' kids can be as rotten as mine sometimes are, and that doesn't make me a bad parent for wanting to donate them to my friends occastionally.

As much as I love my children, there are times when I wish that children were something that you take out on special occasions and put away when you aren't using them. The rest of the time however, I feel blessed and greatful that they are here. Oddly enough at the end of a particularily trying day, it's usually when they are asleep and looking so angelic that I am greatful.

Well, that's it for today. I need to dislodge the rat from the pencil he has just destroyed and get him to his cage before he moves onto the wiring.

It's a lovely day in the neighbourhood

Notice to all neighbourhood squirrels:

Please refrain from leaving squirrel nuggets on our fence. Although yes, we did spend a substantial amount of money to errect a new perch for your sitting pleasure, it was not intended to also double as a toilet. Also, please fight the urge to urinate on the bike seats, stroller tray and any other item sitting around the doorstep.

Stop begging at the back patio door for your breakfast after 8am....the kitchen is closed! If you don't get served by Mr. P. before that time, no amount of begging, chirping, twitching or flinging of squirrel nuggets will persuade me to give up the goods.


Notice to new Canadians:

We welcome you to our country, enjoy. Please however consider wearing deodourant and showering once in a while, especially before shopping at a mall. We here in Canada have lots of water. Don't worry about running out, we won't.

Also, although I am sure you were brought up to speed on the weather situation here, let me reinforce the fact that it is a colder climate than most. Sandals with bare feet are not an appropriate choice for now or during the middle of winter. Feet are especially unattractive when they are cold!

Finally, to the gentleman (and I use this term loosely!) who was pleasuring himself in front of the potato chips at the grocery store:

Maybe you could wear some underwear under your robe. Maybe some people are impressed with your "tent" making abilities....I am not one of them however. I would prefer not to have to explain to my children why "that man in the long white dress is spending so much time smiling at the barbeque potato chips. Oh, and by the way mom, what's that he's holding on to through his dress?" Also, please find a more suitable place to shake hands with your best friend. I don't need to share that.

I've seen this a few times and it never fails to amaze even my little brain. Someone needs to go back to grade school to learn how to spell!;-)

The phenomenal power of the human mind

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdaniegThe phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

Givin' Money To God

I was preparing to post for today when it was preempted by 4 of 4's comments. I now post her conversation....already in progress:

4 of 4:"So Dariah and Charlese, some people sneaked into their house and took their somethings and their stuff. They were really bad people. Why would they do that?"

Perp: "They did it because they wanted money probably."

4 of 4: "Why they want money for?"

Perp: (hmmmm. I don't want to get into a discussion about drugs, or wayward teens or pawn shops....) Maybe they were hungry and wanted money for food. It's not right that they stole something to get that money, but it happens."

4 of 4: "They should have just went to the bank machine."

Perp: "But you can't take money out if you don't have any money in your account. You have to put money in before you take it out!"

4 of 4: "Like the woman Jesus talked about who gave all the money she had away to the bank machine."

I guess this must be the modern version of the old parable.

Clarification

There has been some concern raised that the "blemish" on Mr. P. in the afore mentioned blog entry may be assumed to be on one of the more delicate and unmentionable areas of his body. Let me take this opportunity to make it clear that the blemish was actually on his face. He just didn't want it known that he used a touch of concealer to cover the outrageously large zit. Oooops!

Yesterday I also received the following from one of my dear cousins:

Warning!! Aliens are coming to abduct all the good looking and sexy people. You will be safe, I'm just e-mailing you to say good-bye.

Upon further clarification we were told that I too was to be abducted, but not Mr. P. I guess no amount of concealer can adequately cover blemishes as to render them invisible to aliens. As for myself, well you saw the picture I posted a couple of days ago. I'm not holding my breath. I think I'll be on the planet for a long, long, long, long time.

Thank you. That's all.

Growing Older, The Funny Part

Today I awoke to a sore back and a husband that thought it would be hilariously funny to write a "tell all" story on my deterioration through the aging process. I did not, however, find this amusing. Not at first anyhow.

I spent some time this morning reflecting on some changes that I have noticed with regards to The Other Half Of We that I do find funny. Here they are.

You know you are getting old when:

*Your wallet, which you have worn in the same pant pocket for many a year, starts to cause problems in your back and you are forced to wear it on the other side. TaDa! This works!

*There is more hair growing on previously virginal hair areas than what is actually growing on your head, which now looks like virginal hair territory.

*The sport which was once enjoyed as a true passion to the point of obsession, is now more of an uphill battle than a downhill ski run.

*Golfing seems like a more age appropriate workout than cycling.

*While you once threatend to replace an aging wife with two twenty year olds, that now seems like child molestation, since they are closer in age to your daughter than yourself.

*You're asleep by 8pm sharp on the couch.....oh wait, that's not something new. You've always done that.

*The mathmatics that was once advanced calculus for you in high school is now being taught at your 11 year olds grade 6 level. And there aren't nuns with rulers standing over her ready to beat it into her.

*People you know are starting to look like their relatives when their relatives were really old.

*You just don't get that younger generation anymore. You know.....anyone younger than 42.

*You used to sneak all manner of creatures onto school buses and into your parents home, but now don't want your kids to get even a dog.

*Psst...I won't mention the thing you were worried that I might mention on my blog....you know, the hiding of a blemish.

I think I'll stop there. I have a couple more good ones, but I don't want a divorce just yet, so they'll have to wait for another time.

Anyhow Mr. Perpetual Chocoholic, I still love you, you old man. And I never threaten to trade you for two twenty year olds. You can thank me by sending me for a trip to Jamaica baby.....alone;-)

Well there goes Spotty trying to impress by showing off his more flashy end again. Not my doing. He likes to be the eyes in the back of my head. If something nasty is coming my way he just digs in...literally, and scratches my face off trying to get away. But at least I know something nasty is coming!

Things were a little harried for a while in our extended family. Birthdays, serious illness' of relatives, death in one case. (We'll miss you Uncle J.) But look out, I'm back. I think I may have been abducted by lawn ornamentation again, because that's the only reason I can explain my not writing for so long. It seems time is in a vacuum when I'm with them.

Boy, do I ever feel like Garfield looks this morning. Only I'm not holding a coffee, but I wish I were! Happy Monday.

Like my new mouse cover?

I'm swimming in a sea of ordinary. Normal people surround me at every turn.
I've not seen a single solitary gnome this whole entire week. (except my own.)
Speedy actually stops the bus to let my children on and off.
No weird people have asked me for my opinion on their choice of purchases at the big "Wallies."

Sometimes the abnormality of normal needs a little push to return to the normal of abnormality. Tonight feels like a night for bunny ears at church.

Only a couple more weeks and a very small amount of make-up, and this lovely lady will be greeting kiddies at the door!

It's Monday morning again. At least in my head. Long weekends do that to me. Extra long weekends just make me crazy.

Due to Thanksgiving being this past Monday, garbage day will be pushed back until Saturday from Friday. This does not bode well for me or the turkey carcass just screaming to escape the clutches of the sealed garbage can to the ever waiting little grubby hands of squirrels. It was a wild turkey the other half of we caught this past Spring. They will set it free once again all over my driveway. I can look forward to cleaning it up. Frequently.

I had gotten a fair amount of yard work completed this weekend. I'm sore. It's not so much that I'm out of shape as my shape is ever changing and my current form isn't conducive to hard physical labour.

My piano teacher told me that gardening is bad for my hands as far as the piano goes. If I get a note from her, is that like getting a note from your doctor? Can I stop the gardening indefinately? At least for as long as I am studying piano?

I found my gnome again amounst the overgrown, dried out echinacea and poppies. Why doen't my gnome help me with the yard work. What good are the blasted things if they don't give a hand once in a while!? I suppose they are like any celebrity. All presence and no substance. I am assuming they are celebrities after all, since they do have their faces on gum packages, and t.v. commercials. I can't seem to go a whole day without seeing one of the hideous creations plastered across something.

Well, I've pretty much covered everything for today. Except.....no, I'll leave my rant about "Speedy" the bus driver for another day.

Happy Thanksgiving Weekend.

I can say that early because, the school board decided that wouldn't it be fun to tack a PD day onto a long weekend and give the parents four days home with whining, fighting, energetic kids.

We actually celebrated last weekend since my sister is moving to Nova Scotia. We couldn't have a family fight at the dinner table without her after all. Think of what she would be missing.

We headed up to my parents a whole week early so that Mr. P. could act as if his seat was on fire, and my Father could turn red and even I could get into the fray this time, wanting to jump across the table and give my brother in law a good shake. At the end of the political discussion I suggested we move onto a rousing talk on religion, but it was decided it was better not to. They had a large trip ahead of them, and it would have been hard to drive in a body cast.

Thank God they didn't start talking about hockey! We would have all ended up in the hospital!

I don't think, other than grace, we actually mentioned we were thankful for anything. I'll save that for a quiet weekend at home on the actual date. Maybe over the turkey Mr. P shot last spring. I hope he fits in the oven......the turkey that is. As in the wild bird, not Mr. P.

this was emailed to me from Adventurer....

NEW YORK-- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General AlbertoGonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man,who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons ofmath instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret codenames like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, '"There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

" When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given usmore fingers and toes."White House aides told reporters they could not recall amore intelligent or profound statement by the president.

Howwwwwl! Bring On The Full Moon!

I missed Thursday evening coffee. Poor Adventurer wasn't quite herself. My piano teacher is going off to have a baby and so this was her last lesson for a few months. Our Barista from the coffee shop (my un-named night-time coffee shop.) has changed shifts and a new crew of less generous individuals have taken over. They actually charge us for the coffee. Even the Starbucks crew (my daytime coffee shop) hasn't pitched in a free one in what seems like eons. I even hear that they are going to raise their prices by .05. What....your coffee isn't already costing me enough?!

I found my bunny ears sitting on a bedside table last evening. One of the house monsters must have deposited them there in passing, thinking I looked like I needed to get out for a good coffee and enhancement of lawn ornamentation.

Where is this world going to? Is it Karma? Is this something cyclical? And to add salt to a wound, it's miserable outside. All I can say is when is the next full moon?! That will shake things up.

As a nurse, many, many years ago, I did a float shift on a Psychiatric ward. I was fully in uniform at the time (unlike the regular ward nurses.)I stood out like a glaring beacon of white in a sea of blackness. And yes, it was a full moon to boot.

Now they say that the moon really doesn't have anything to do with the behavior of human kind....poppycock!!!! It was a full moon on this particular night. You should have been there THAT night when the elderly lady was moaning because somebody cut off her penis! And the well spoken young man wouldn't take half his meds because....and here he lost me. It had something to do with quantum physics though. Then there was the gentleman who found the elderly lady's missing appendage. It was attached to him unfortunately. Too bad for her.

I'm not saying I want that kind of confusion brought on me, but do you know I've been to Walmart three times of late and not one 'interesting' individual found their way to me! Is the world going all normal on me? Where's the full moon....bring it on!

....darn, it's not until the 7th of Oct. Sigh.

Wednesday Funnies

I have no idea if I've posted these yet or not. A neighbour sent them to me and since my brain is chocolate depleated (yes, I'm attempting the impossible yet again, to give it up.) I haven't got more than a couple of neurons firing. I'm also low on energy and therefore don't want to expend precious reserves to go back and check.

My brain is pretty much a blank slate of late, but not to worry. I'm heading off to Walmart to do some shopping. If that doesn't invite craziness and mayhem to find me, I don't know what will. Enjoy...or don't.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?""It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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He said - "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"She said - "That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?A: A Rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Monday's Beat The Bus -- Fear Factor Style

Alllllright contestants. On todays beat the bus our family will be required to take caution while attempting to beat the bus, thus avoiding time consuming and potentially dangerous obstacles along the way. Can they do it? Let's just see.

5 minutes on the clock please as we play ....."Beeeeat the Bus!"

Perp: "Let's go! The bus is going to be here in 5 minutes! Let's get the lead out people!"
1-4: No dissernable movement in the house.
Perp: "I said let's go!!!!!!"
1-4: No dissernable movement in the house.
Perp: "I'm going ahead out to the bus!"
1-4: No dissernable movement in the house.
Perp: "No computer priviledges on the weekend if you don't.....umph!"
2 of 4: "Mom, are you ok, why are you lieing on the floor like that! We're going to be late for school!"

at the bus stop, as the bus drives past the end of the street to circle around the block....

3 of 4: "Oh no! I forgot my toy!"
Perp: "you don't have time to get it"
3 of 4: "Waaaaahhhhh! But I want it!"
Perp: "Too bad, so sad. You'll need to get yourself together earlier next time."
3 of 4: "But I can beat the bus! I'll go reaaaallly quick!"
Perp: "You miss the bus and there'll be big trouble! And I mean BIG!"

Faster than the speed of light....well, maybe faster than the speed of the neighbours dog....well, on second thought maybe not. He thinks it's a game. He's gaining on her, he's getting closer...closer....closer! He jumps..... he scores!

He sets 3 off balance, she stumbles, she stumbles, she slows, she gets her legging, she's up and running again! OH! But wait! It seems she's wearing flip-flops! With socks no less....oooooh! She trips on a flip of the flop. Bad fashion choice for today 3! And shame on you Mom for letting her make that decision! Especially the socks! tsk, tsk!

Here comes some further interference from down the street! A neighbour just entered the course and is assisting 3 to get up and brushed off. Three is angry, screaming and appears in pain, but has enough stregnth to beat off the kindly, helpful, neighbour. Ooooh! Three! Should you be calling her that?!

Mom is standing, stunned, up the street! Is she going to make a move? She appears to be....yes, turning red! She is embarrased about the beating the neighbour is getting. She starts to run towards 3. She apologizes, she grabs three and hugs her....

Perp: "Suck it up princess! Get your butt in that house NOW and get that toy or else! BIG TROUBLE!"

3 of 4 takes off again, here comes dad to see what all the yelling is about....Mom shoots him a dirty look! He knows not to provide further interference. Mom heads back to the bus. It doesn't look good for the team. Mom's shoulders slump in defeat. She sits on the curb. The neighbours dog comes and gives her a full contact face wash! Ooooh! Salt in the wound puppy!

But wait! Here comes three of four, with a stellar smile....well, she's still sobbing slightly, but with a stellar smile! Oh no! Here also comes the bus! Is she going to make it?

YEA! She just makes the bus! (but only because the driver sees the scrapped, sobbing child and decides to slow to a fast crawl.) Mom tosses the child on the bus as it passes.....another successful game.

Ok Vicki, lets tell Perp what she has won.....today you have won an all expense paid trip to your house with you're little 4 year old neighbour! You and you're neighbour will have a fun filled morning cleaning fish tanks and playing on kids web sites. If you're really good, you get a coffee later in the afternoon. Congratulations Perp!

God Help us! It's only Monday!

This is from Deb at A Simple Country Girls Dream

Nicknames: no. I have no names with nick in them.

Favorite Drink: Non-fat, no whip, decaf, half sweet peppermint mocha latte. (deep breath) and make that a venti please.

Tattoos: yes. I accidentally stabbed a pencil into my finger in grade school and the mark still exists. It's a blueish colour.

Body Piercings: just my ears. Do fillings in my teeth count?

How much do you love you job 0-10:10 but don't tell the other half of we that.

Birthplace:The delivery room in the hospital. My Mom was there. I'm sure it was wonderful. The fact that she cried because I wasn't a boy doesn't bother me a bit. Sniff.

Favorite Vacation Spot:I don't go on vacation. Only Vicki does.

Stolen any traffic signs: No, they are usually attached to the other drivers and I'm not about to go and grab someones middle finger.

2 door or 4 door? My house has 2, car has 4 and bike has none.

Salad Dressing: No. I prefer to dress lawn ornamentation. Specifically gnomes.

Pie: Cow

Favorite Movie: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Favorite Holiday: Christmas

Favorite Food: HAHA! I'll let you guess that one.

Favorite Day Of The Week: Thursday

Soap: (Now I just want to point out here that this says soap. Deb answered Tomato. ??? Does she like tomato soup or soap.) Baby's own. That's my favourite soap, not soup. I like tomato soup too....but not as a soap.

Toothpaste: No all my teeth are stuck in there on their own. I have known someone though who crazy glues his tooth in everytime it falls out. I expect he'll be dead soon.

What do you do to relax: sleep

Where do you see your self in 10 years: In a mental institution being visited by my four teenaged daughters and their biker gang, drug dealing boys friends and 15 kids. OK. Maybe they won't visit. That's just a pipe dream on my part.

What do you do when bored: I won't ever admit that I'm bored because something bad always happens when I do and I get reallllllly busy. Usually involves someone throwing up or bleeding, so I'm always entertained......whether or not I really am.

Now your turn.

After reading Rainy Pete's Unbalanced World, and following his links I used the "Voices of Many" translator set at buccaneer (pirate) to come up with the following adapation of an earlier post. It was worth it.

The other half o' we walked in the door yesterday afternoon after work. Two o' Four Greeted him with, "Hi Dad. How be yer game today." (As in golf.)

I think that I BE HAVIN' been a bit too understan'in' o' a wife. Altho he be indeed workin' yesterday, he does tend t' spend a lot o' time at the drivin' range an' at golf courses.

Befere ye say 'tis nay true Mr. Perp. Yer daughter just confirmed it fer me. Smirk.

On the opposite side o' thin's, one o' our Pastors came int' Chapters an' wasn't at all suprised t' see me sittin' on me butt in Starbucks sippin' on me Tall, non-fat, decaf, no whip, half sweet peppermint mocha latte.

If ye can't find me at home, just call thar or the fish store an' I'll get the message sometime durin' the day;-)

The "sippin' on me tall.....latte." particularily cracks me up in pirate. Sigh. I need a job or a hobby or something.

P.S. Thanks Pete! That was a lot of fun. I'll never read a news site the same way again.

I got a letter from the New Yorker magazine telling me that I had come in Fourth place in their photo captions contest. I was quite disappointed, because the first three picked ahead of me weren't even funny! It was because I was Canadian and they only accept submissions, funny or not, from Americans. That sucked big time,.............and then I woke up.

I heard my daughter rummaging around upstairs so, since I was awake I decided to go up and see what was the matter. She was feeding my best chocolate chips to my fish. Apparently they are only poisonous for dogs and they are really good for fish. Then she was feeding the big fat now hollow chocolate fish in my tank to Spotty, who was using the tank as his personal toilet. I did find this a bit disturbing.......and then I woke up.

I awoke to yet another lively game of beat the bus. Even though they moved the stop down the street, I have the advantage over "Speedy" and her haphazard ways. I have grown sticky pads on the fingers and soles of my feet. Like a tree frog. I can run, jump, grab the bus and hand on, banging on the windows until she stops................and then I woke up.

I was sitting in my Dentists chair getting frozen to the teeth (baha!) while he took out these horrendous drilling apparatus' and stretched my face like it was silly putty. My filling apparently needed to be replaced by a gargantuan one that felt like it took up my whole mouth. Although usually a gentle soft spoken fellow, he was laughing at jokes being told by other staff around the office and causing me great pain, the likes of which I have never felt before in his office, or in anyones office. Even during gum surgery I never felt this bad! I wish I could wake up. But this was not a dream. CRAP!

I like my dentist....lucky for him. If I didn't, I was thinking how much fun it might be to eat garlic bread and spaghetti and maybe a bit of curry before my appointment. Some navy beans might also be an appropriate choice to spice up the atmosphere. Then Que sera sera baby!

I mean, who in there right mind....or my insane one for that matter, would pay $269.00 to give them such agonizing pain. Don't answer that! It's just a rhetorical question.

If you'll excuse me, I sure could use a tylenol.

Dear Adventurer,

That chocolate didn't stand a chance! Not one of the bars made it home. That was the best tasting stuff I've had in a long, long time! At least since the last Kaluha cake you sent over.

I feel now that fall approaches, it's time to go and make fun of lawn ornamentation again before the snow hits. Our regulars are going to feel rejected if we don't at least pay a halloween visit.

Perpetual Chocoholic

...and I bet you thought I wouldn't post a clearer view Anon;-)
I feel like I'm the photographer for "Play Rat" magazine.

Spotty "Potster" the Rat

Did I lie?

Note: No rats were harmed in the taking of this picture. Humiliated and a little annoyed, but not harmed.

The other half of we walked in the door yesterday afternoon after work. Two of Four Greeted him with, "Hi Dad. How was your game today." (As in golf.)

I think that I've been a bit too understanding of a wife. Although he was indeed working yesterday, he does tend to spend a lot of time at the driving range and at golf courses.

Before you say it's not true Mr. Perp. Your daughter just confirmed it for me. Smirk.

On the opposite side of things, one of our Pastors came into Chapters and wasn't at all suprised to see me sitting on my butt in Starbucks sipping on my Tall, non-fat, decaf, no whip, half sweet peppermint mocha latte. If you can't find me at home, just call there or the fish store and I'll get the message sometime during the day;-)

Ahh, the innocence of a child. This masterpiece was an bold attempt at a lifelike drawing of Three of Four's pet rat "Spotty." Three is seven years old. Spotty is 5 months old and is a male. Obviously.

I explained to Three that when you draw a portrait, you need to keep your audience in mind....mainly her three sisters and parents, and that it didn't need to be quite so anatomically correct. She told me it wasn't. She felt her drawing didn't truely reflect the true likeness of his......boys. They are bigger. She is right. They are about a third of his total body size. They put most men to shame and make women blush.

So here he is in all of his glory, standing up on his hind legs, sending you all a hug.

Let the Parade Begin

I generally try to get to bed by midnight. Ok, actually 1am, but I was good on this particular night. Just when I was starting to settle two, almost 11 years old, gigglers (only one was mine) called me to the room with a very grave concern.

"We hear scratching coming from the wall! Then a thump, thump, thump, then more scratching!" Says one.
"The 'Extra child' thinks it might be a ghost." says One of Four while laughing nervously.

"hmmm. Considering that Spotty the Rat lives in his cage against the wall you are talking about, I'm quite sure that it is him you are hearing." I reply.
"But if you are really worried, and you think that it IS a ghost and you see it coming for you, just yell out "Whoooowaaaah!" and that'll take care of it for you. At least, that what works for me." I leave behind two giggling pre-teens.

Finally sleep catches up to me when I hear a loud bang. Three of Four jumping down from her bunk to go to the little ladies room. I fall back asleep.

"Psssst. Psssst." I hear a leak in a tire somewhere I say to my husband.
"No, it's me (1 of 4.....yet again). Three of Four went to the toilet about 20 minutes ago and didn't go back to her room. 'Extra' and I went to check up on her and she's asleep on the toilet." She says her voice broken intermittently by hysterical laughing.

"Gee Three. I didn't know toilet paper holders made good pillows too!" I sighed as she grumbled and shot me a hateful look as I awoke her and escorted her back to her room. Getting her there was one ordeal. Getting her into a high bunk was yet another. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't fun.

Once again, sleep manages to find me despite my frequent changes of address on this night. Unfortunately, they must feel I'm ready for yet another rude awakening, despite my thinking I may actually be able to live in my dream land for a while.

"Mom," says Two of Four quite firmly, not to be left out of this evenings events, "can I invite a friend over too?!"
"You mean now, at 3:10 in the morning?" I reply disbelievingly.
"Oh. Maybe now wouldn't be good." she mumbles, seemingly shocked by the time.
"Can I tomorrow then?" She asks sheepishly.
"Two! " I will not have a discussion about social invitations at this time of the night! GO TO BED!

God bless little Four of Four. The one that usually wakens me with nightmares, lonelyness, or requests manages to sleep through the night. That's ok though. Her sisters and friend more than made up for her one night off!!!

By the way. Mr. P. tells me I should go to bed earlier then I won't be so tired all of the time. Honestly. Would it really matter? It's just that much more time that someone would have to wake me up.

It was late. I decided to check the locks before retiring to bed for the evening. I casually walk over to the door of my apartment, sure that it must be locked, since I am the only one living there. Darn! It's unlocked. It's that crazy woman again leaving the door unlocked when she comes in. It's just then that she re-enters the apartment. Rushed and dressed to the teeth for an outting with....an ostrich perhaps. Her feather boa is full, fabulous and definately out of style.

I have never actually met her before, and am a little taken aback by her flamboyant appearance. None the less, I give her heck for leaving the apartment door unlocked. "It's not safe you know!" I chide her. Annoyed with myself for allowing her to have a key.

She seems unconcerned and goes on with her business. The tramp!

I walk down the hall towards the bedroom. It's dimly lit. The only light is provided by God's own moon. The windowless hallway is short and it's but a few steps to the comfort of cool sheets, warm blankets and a soft pillow. Perfect peace and happy slumber.

Unfortunately, Two other individuals have other plans for me. They must have let themselves in through the unlocked door.
"Blasted woman!" I say as I see their wispy figures materialize before me. Ghosts.

"Wooooooo! We're here to get you Sandi." Says the first.
The second pops in unceremoniously.

I am frightend at first, but then just annoyed that they are standing between me and my cozy bed. I know there is no polite request that will assure their departure. One must be firm when dealing with the spirit world.

"WWWWUUUUAAAAAH!" I scream as loud as humanly possible. It's drastic, but the only chance I have to rid myself of my unwanted visitors is to scare them away.

"Shhhh. It's ok dear! It's ok. Shhhh." I hear as I feel a gentle pat on my arm. I awaken.

"Did I just scream out loud?" I say unbelievingly
"Yes!" The other half of we replies, "and you just about gave me a heart attack you screamed so loudly!"

We settle back, letting sleep again overcome us. Well, one of us does. I get a bad case of the giggles. Actually, it starts off as giggling and then turns into hysterical belly laughing and snorting. Enough to shake the bed.

Twenty minutes later, after I start to come down from my happy high, I tell the Mr. that, "at least I'm not my father!"

One night while entwined in his sheets, feeling he is being restrained by an angry assailant, he uses his best kick boxing and karate moves to fight and break free. My mother was not a happy woman that night.

Not to be undone, my mother, also being attacked by unrelenting night time assailants, brings her leg back to get a full kick at her ghostly enemy. My father finished his sleep in the other room.

I'm not sure why my family is plagued by these types of dreams, which tend to end in our partners being startled, bruised, or just plain sleep deprived, but gosh....they sure are fun!

I fear it's too late my friends. While shopping at a quirky, up-scale little toy store yesterday I came across Gnome cinnamon flavoured gum. After my initial shock wore off I noticed the gnome lip balm hanging from a rack above. Where is this world going to.

I'm not sure, as shocking as the gnome products were, how I felt about the "Next to the Last Supper" Jesus Gum, and "Jesus Rocks" candy. Something just seemed so wrong about them!

Anyhow, everywhere I go gnomes seem to be invading my space. I'm completely sick of talking about them, but can't get away from them. Sadly, as much as I regret the passing of summer, the one thing to look forward to is that there will be few gnomes dotting the landscape during a good Canadian winter. At least here in my city. If you are a resident of a other certain city. I'm not mentioning any names Toronto, they need to call the army in to help when you get a snow storm. Wimps!

Now onto the really exciting and important business. Only two more weeks to school! Yeah baby!!!!!!!

Gno! Say It Ain't So!

It was a substitute for our missed Thursday evening romps through the neighbourhood, coffee in tow. There was a couple of weeks worth of conversation to make up for. News was exchanged.

A strange thing happens when you fall out of a regular routine for a time. Muscles take offence to being fired up after a vacation. Coffee shops close earlier than was previously the norm. The long and short of it is that we landed up back in the yard of adventures abode.

We had been coming to the end of a refreshingly cleansing discussion. Purging all of the anxieties of the past weeks under the bright light of a 3/4 moon. The grass felt greener in her garden. The air cool, the chairs more comfortable. The neighbours more interesting than the walker clad ones inhabiting mine. The soft bubbling from the koi pond in the background. Perfect peace! And then I saw IT!

Much to my alarm, out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of a flash of red. Normally under these circumstances I would feign ignorance to the offending creature, but unfortunately I stopped mid sentence and froze. Like a tongue on an icy door handle on a cold winters day (yes, I have unfortunately tried this. As a child of course!)

"Oh gno! You have.....a gnome." I mutter as if in doing so quietly it won't take notice of my knowledge of it's presence in the yard.

"Yes, but it's not the other kind." she calmly replies.

I'm not sure I know what she meant by "the other kind." I believe she may have been referring to the fact that it was not an actual forest gnome. I couldn't ask for an explanation. Much to my chagrin, one of my most favourite safe and happy places had been assimilated by them.

Sadly my friends, I have to report that Adventurer, a previously brave mocker of lawn ornamentation, is in posession of a lawn gnome. Or actually....a lawn gnome has taken possession of her family.

Be afraid.....be VERY afraid. You may be next!

Friday Funnies on Saturday

I was quite annoyed to find out that the usual radio talk show that I listen to late week night evenings had been replaced by "The X Zone" while the regular host was vacationing.

Aliens, Big Foot, conspiracy theories and any other wackiness you can think of is the basis for this show. Well guess what was on the other night!
I was just about to turn off the radio when I heard a guest discussing forest gnomes. Apparently, he had seen them himself! A large adult female and younger child gnome frolicing along the edge of a wooded area. I have just one question.

WHAT THE HECK IS A FOREST GNOME!? And do they look like the one planted in the front garden of my home? Beware! Gnomes are everywhere!

Enough with the serious and on to the silly. This was e-mailed to me by a neighbour. Let's call her White Mocha after a favourite Starbucks treat.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are._______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." _________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand. ______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog. ___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Only three more weeks until school starts. This year I have to walk down the street to the "New and improved" bus stop. It should be interesting.

The Other Use for Gnomes

They aren't just for decorating any more folks!

I picked up "Velocity" by Dean Koontz and read the following.....

.....Ned Pearsall raised a toast to his deceased neighbor, Henry Friddle, whose death greatly pleased him.
Henry had been killed by a garden gnome. He had fallen off the roof of his two-story house, onto that cheerful-looking figure. The gnome was made of concrete. Henry wasn't.

You were all right! Lawn gnomes are evil! And Mr. Koontz is under their control. He's threatening us with death by lawn gnome. It's a warning to us all!

Who woulda thunk they'd make such good weapons too! Well....aside from many of you who tried to warn me of their evilness!

Your Friday Giggle

I know, I know. It's not Friday. It just feels that way. It's 48 degrees up here today with the humidity....yes, celcius. Which I am told by the radio announcer is 118 F. So we need something to laugh about. It's also the start of Mr. P.'s holidays. (And Vicki's, she's just returned from South Carolina and was too tired to type.) A neighbour sent me these and they were funny .... for a change.

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Believe it or not I did edit out a few of the more.....colourful ones!

Happy Friday!

A Penny for Your Thoughts

In my first few months on this planet, I spent my days lounging around in my Moms "hot tub". My father used to wait until my mother and I were comfortably drifting off into a gentle sleep to make his move. He'd cautiously place his hands on her swollen belly and give it a good shake. I would awaken. My father would then slip into a comfortable slumber leaving me to kick the crap out of my mother, thus keeping her awake. But I got even. I was a colicy baby. HeeHee!

Unwittingly my father had created a creature of the night. As soon as the sun slips below the horizon my body kicks into gear and I am more awake then than I have been all day.

Last evening I needed to get out. No longer having to play beat the bus, allows me some much needed morning time sleep. And to keep from wanting to play beat the kids (not that I ever would!) I need a bit of time to relax and wander after dark to clear my head. That is how I found myself wandering the street at 9:00 at night.

As I was walking I was taken back to a time when you could go for a walk and find pennies periodically discarded along the street. Many dropped, but not considered worthwhile to pick up. As a child I used to love to collect them. The challenge of beating my previous record for the most pennies found in one trip was the game I played.

On this walk though the neighbourhood however, I had not found even a single one! What happend to all of the haphazardly discarded pennies that used to ocassionally lined the streets? I suppose I need to look at the makeup of my neighbourhood to figure this one out.

We own a small bungalow in a neighbourhood in which many older couples have lived and raised their families for the past 40 years. Many now in their 70's and 80's. These people tend to appreciate the value of money more than their younger counterparts and wouldn't leave a lost penny unlooked for. For them it's worth potentially breaking a hip whilst trying to reclaim their lost gem.

There are a few (very few) young families which also live amongst their geriatric friends. They don't have extra pennies lining their pockets. They have children to raise and use up every single one. They can't afford to leave dropped pennies along the street.

There are single fellows here and there in the neighbourhood. Yes, I say fellows since the majority are indeed male. They don't use pennies. They are of the modern computerized age and barely know what a penny even looks like! They use plastic.

There is the gay couple on the corner. They don't go onto the street. They move only between their front door and car. Their visitors do the same. They have their own little utopia that doesn't go past their front yard. They couldn't possibly leave pennies on the street, since I don't think that they've ever gone there outside of in their vehicle.

There are the drug dealers and grow-ops that think that if they set up in a "retirement" area that they won't be noticed. They don't have pennies. They only deal in paper money. I don't see any cash left on the pavement. And if I did, I would probably tend to leave it there for fear of being shot when trying to pick it up.

So what was I finding on the street? Sadly, I was seeing the decline of a once beautifully kept city. Never before had so many popcan tabs been visible. Had these been pennies I'd have beaten my record for sure. Cigarette butts aplenty, even though smoking has now gone out of style. Torn papers, weeds poking though the asphalt at an alarming rate. Leaves and bits of paper. Chalk drawings from one of the very few children unfortunate enough to live in "Grannyhood." Sticks, stones, rocks and boulders. Oh wait. That's not a boulder. That's the only part of the street that's not a pothole. Bird poop.

They used to care enough to sweep the streets. Now it's done but once a year in the Spring whether it needs it or not, because of cutbacks. It needs it! Believe me! We have to after all make sure that we use our tax dollars for more important things such as funding and forgiving debts accumulated by special interest groups for their parades. Foot bridges to save university students from having to walk a few meters to the other bridge. A light rail system running to and from the least populated portions of the city. The list of "necessities" goes on. They have cut back on the non-necessary tasks such as picking up the garbage on the streets, getting rid of graffiti, sweeping and cleaning the streets and culling the weeds.

It was with these thoughts whirling around inside my head, and with my eyes firmly glued to the ground that I walked into my neighbour. Built like tower in height and girth with a stare cold enough to freeze the melting ice caps she says,
"You didn't sweep my driveway after you mowed the lawn the other day."

Without looking up, because I might miss that one penny that I so desparately crave, I respond, "cutbacks."

Weenie Roast Anyone?

This has been floating around the web. An obviously sick individual sent it to me. By the way....if you are buying a product in the pet stores called "Bull Wrinkles" you may want to rethink your purchase. It's pretty much the same as what's above. Only bovine in nature. Dogs love them, but it's just somehow so wrong;-)

Working at a day camp. Lots of "active" kids. No bus drivers. Still rushed. Very tired. I must be crazy!

This was sent to me. Ahhhh! I feel the call of a Cafe Mocha. Venti of course!

Vicki gets pinned

Well Hello Darlings!

I'm having a wonderful time in San Diego! The weather is fabulous, and the palm trees are a sight for sore eyes!
I've got two new pieces of jewellry to show off. You may wonder where I've stashed all of my old baubles. I always remove them before my flight and leave them at home Darlings! I would so hate to embarrass Mr. Perp in any way should they ask why he was travelling with a ladies pair of undergarments covered in pins. This way I'm so much less flashy. He can just tell them he thought they were men's and all would be wonderful again!
Much love and wish me luck for the flight back!

Vicki Stripes
xxxx
ooo

My husband Phil

I wouldn't exactly say that the other half of we is a dead ringer for Robin Williams, but let me just say that many, many, MANY people have commented on the likeness through the years....except he's just not quite as hairy as Mr. Williams.
As Mr. Perp was flying to his destination a lovely American family from the Eastern U.S. thought they were fortunate enough to be flying with a star. When seeing my dearest they yelled out PHIL! Look it's Phil! Apparently now that he is getting older he's less like Robin and more like Phil Collins.
Personally, I think instead of straightening them out, as he did, he should of put on his best limey accent and signed autographs. Now that would have been a trip! Maybe he should have introduced them to Vicki and started some real star rumors [giggle].

Hello again Darlings!

I'm on the move again, thankgoodness! I was starting to get bored of the decore at home.
I'm on my way, probably as you read this, to San Diego via Chicago. I'm told that Mrs. Perp would probably have loved to go on this trip and is green with envy darlings! She would have just adored a trip to the zoo! (like she doesn't live with enough animals having all of those children!)
Wish me happy adventures, hope to have pictures soon.

Much Love,
Vicki
xxx
oooo

War Declared on Squirrels

I found myself standing outside this morning in my best grubbies at 7:30am picking up after last nights squirrel party in my garbage.

This is the kind of respect I get for working like a slave to feed, protect and entertain them! This is the respect I get in return for rescueing and peeing their babies. Will I take this abuse!!!!?

[hmmm.....they are awful cute when they stare up at me with their big squirrel eyes though. Especially the grey ones. The black ones too.]

NO! NO! NO! I will no longer take it!

This means war!

From now on I only buy the cheap peanuts. And no more ice cream on hot days for you busters!

Air Traffic Controllers: A most stressful job

While standing in the shower (try not to make a mental picture here please! It's not worth the effort.) I was thinking about the request I made to the other half of we.
"Please can you keep after them to get ready while I just quickly jump in the shower!"
Although he did do this (I could hear his coaxing all the way down to the basement.) The children did manage to find me just the same. Unwilling to break from their regular routine of "morningtime Mom" nagging (them nagging me, not the other way around.) The craziness started.

I found myself thinking about what many people agree is one of the more stressfull jobs on the planet. Air Traffic Control. Now, I can't imagine I would want the responsibility of directing large numbers of hulking bodies of metal at break neck speeds past each other, for a living. I'd be a basket case! Well, even more so of a basket case. This morning however, I was feeling a little like an air traffic controller. I've compiled a list of things that I do to control the seamless flight of my children to their appointed destinations in an attempt to see if I may also share some of the stress that these individuals may feel. Here's what I came up with:

*Does the Air Traffic Controller (ATC) get interupted in the shower to ask about preparations for the flight? I would guess no. I however was asked where a pair of shorts might be since a pair didn't seem to jump out and bite 1 of 4 on the nose when she looked in her drawer.

*Does the ATC receive complaints when terrorists take over a flight, and are ATC's responsible for the hostages? I have no idea, but I'd say no to the hostage part. I on the otherhand (while still in the shower might I add) had to hear about how 3 of 4 had waylaid 4 of 4's toy puppy and was threatening to give it a full and propper swirly in the toilet. Which probably hadn't been flushed all morning! A bad habit I have yet to break. (There is still some lingering concern about 'spoding toilets in this house.)

*Does the ATC have to participate in the food preparation for the in-flight meals? NOT! Not only is this part of my job, but also removing the week old sandwich (unrecognizable in nature) from 2 of 4's backback, so she wouldn't mistakenly partake of it's moldy rancid goodness instead....as has been previously known to happen.

*Does the ATC have to get upstairs to find one of the aircraft had yet to get dressed, brush it's teeth and hair while also finding it's shoes while the bus sits waiting outside the door? No, No and NO! (We all know speedy waits for no one!)

All the above being said, I still have to admit that an Air Traffic Controller's job is indeed more stressful than mine I am sure.

.....but oh! wait!.....I almost forgot!

Is the ATC's other half sitting in her office (and planning on remaining there for the entire day) with a man's version of a virus. (need I say more?!) NO! DEFINATELY NOT! That alone is equivalent of a few dozen aircraft!

Maybe I was being a bit hasty on saying their job is more stressful. Let's just say it's a toss up.

Happy second last day of school to those in our school board!

Vicki should be coming home now. The trip to Paris ended up being a version of around the world in 24 hours. Hopefully the flight home is a little more direct and will go a bit more quickly!

Here she is looking lovely with her Paris pin. I'm sure she'll want to blog as soon as she gets back.

Well something more than just a little bizzarre happend late this afternoon. While standing in a circle on my front lawn bidding farewell to some visitors a small black furry mass started making it's way towards us. I watched out of the corner of my eye as a young healthy looking fellow boldly went where no squirrel had dared to go before! Right past the people on the edge into the center of the circle. It sniffs around a bit and stops right in front of 3 of 4.

3 of 4 was eating an orange creamcicle. Yum. It moved to an inch or so from her shoes and stood up on it's hind legs and started begging! Now, in all honesty, I have not fed the squirrels of late! Not this one for sure! One of the guests attempted to scare the little fellow away with a repeated stomping of his foot to no avail. (There was no way in a hundred million years he'd do anything to bring himself any closer to an animal such as this, crazy or not! So stomping was his weapon of choice.)

My neighbour came over and told me a tale of what seemed like this very same squirrel blocking their path to their doorway on their way back from the Dairy Queen just half an hour earlier! When they couldn't figure out what the blasted thing wanted (and it wouldn't let them pass) it jumped up on to the rear of their jeep and attempted to get close to the childrens ice cream! And they weren't even nutty flavours!!!

This only can mean one thing. Someone in the neighbourhood is taming squirrels....other than us.

P.S. We did go and get it some peanuts which it sat and greedily devoured about an inch from my own shoes. I kept the kids at a safe distance.

I think they may be plotting a take over of the neighbourhood. (The squirrels and the kids.)

Extreme Makeover

I started to think that perhaps my children have been watching too many extreme makeover shows of late when I found this picture sitting on my desk this morning. That was until I realized what this truely must represent. The before version is an exact likeness of me when I get up in the morning and am trying to get them on the bus.

The after picture is also a pretty close likeness to what I look like after I sucessfully shuffle them on their way.

Sometimes the truth hurts;-)

(mumble, mumble.....little brats.)

My lawn gnome needs a name. Any suggestions? (And no! As tempting as it is....please, nothing rude!)

My neighbour across the street recently had his outdoor solar lights lifted by light fingers. Apparently he wasn't the only one on the block. While he was talking at me of boobie traps and hooligans, I felt my mind shifting focus over to my own garden.

Nobody vandalized my place, this time. Was I not good enough to steal from? Sure, I haven't been as quick to get my own lights out, but I have a perfectly good lawn gnome sitting out in front just ripe for the pickin'! And he is, after all, certainly more desirable an addition to any garden than a silly old set of solar lights. Jeez!

Any how, I now believe it's time to name the little fellow. I'd hate for him to go through life being labelled just "the gnome".

Any suggestions?

P.S. I realize what he looks like! I've had it pointed out to me numerous times. Clean suggestions only please.

Hello again darlings,

I'm packing and readying myself to slip into the luggage for a fabulous time in old gay Paris. That's gay as in happy darlings, should you wonder. I'm taking back the word.

I'm not sure where else I'll be travelling to this summer. Turkey has been mentioned, but I think that I'll skip that one. Wouldn't want Mr. P. having to explain my purpose in an airport over there. Plus I absolutely refuse to cover my head, since I don't have one. I may do California again though. This time hopefully he'll buy me that pin I crave. A girl does like her jewellry you know.

Well ta, ta for now darlings, will chat when we get back. Wish me luck! I still hate flying so!

xoxoxo
Vicki Stripes

Adventurer sent this by e-mail, but I'm answering by blog and tagging anyone that wants to do it too!

1. Full name? Perpetual Chocoholic.

2.Were you named after anyone? The beach

3. Do you wish on stars? Yes, but Oprah still hasn't come through for me.

4. When did you last cry? When Mr. Blue stopped dancing.

5. Do you like your handwriting? Only when it writes what I want it to. On it's own it gets into all kinds of trouble.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turkey. The dead cooked kind, not the decoys on the front lawn.

7. How many kids? How many kids what?

8. Names and ages of kids: What kids?!!

9.If you were another person, would you be friends with you? heeheehee!

10. Do you have a journal? Isn't that what I'm writing on? D'uh!

11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Oh never! [smirk]

12. Would you bungee jump? No. Not unless there was a chocolate river at the bottom and I'd been deprived for about a year.

13. What is your favorite cereal? Oatmeal with half a bag of brown sugar.

14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No. And it makes me really mad when I go to put them back on. That being said....I haven't got laces on my sandals. They're sheer bliss.


15. Do you think that you are strong? Only with God behind me. But if you're talking about smelling....I showered and wore deodourant! Jeez!

16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate mint chip.

17.Shoe Size? 9. Which doesn't mean anything for women. You know....like a large shoe size does for a guy?!

18. Red or Pink? Blue

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My appendix. But that's ok, I got rid of it.

20. Who do you miss most? Mr. Blue.

21. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? Since I put this on a blog instead of sending it by e-mail....no.

22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? What kind of sick question is this! Is this like one of those obscene phone calls people used to get? Blue, bare.

23. Last thing you ate? Chocolate chips.

24. What are you listening to right now? Peep and the big wide world and my fish tank filter.

25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Oh, they don't have a colour to fit me! But I'd choose a chickory blue.

26. Favorite Smells? Babies (the heads not the bottoms) Lilacs, chocolate on a rainy day, sunny day or any day, and Mr. P. When he's showered of course.

27. Last person you talked to on the phone? which phone? Cell or land line?

28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Age.

29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Absolutely. Particularily I appreciate her on Thursday evenings while sipping coffee and decorating gnomes.

30. Favorite Drink? Grande Non-fat, half-sweet peppermint mocha latte.

31. Favorite Sport to Watch? Hockey, but only if I'm doing something else while the t.v. is on.

32. Hair Color? Strawberry blonde. But lately someone has painted a couple white while I wasn't looking. I hate when that happens. I'm only 40 for goodness sakes!

33. Eye Color? grey.

34. Do you wear contacts? No.

35. Favorite Food? chocolate. Are these questions repetitive? I feel like I've written chocolate quite a bit.

36. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? I'm not picky.

37. Last Movie You Watched? Something Scottish with a deaf kid.

38. Favorite Day of the Year? I like nearly all of them. I guess I'd have to say Feb. 31st though.

39. Summer or winter? Summer.

40. Who do you hate in life? Luckily I can't think of anyone.

41. Favorite Dessert? Chocolate Kahlua cake.

42. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? No one since this is a blog.

43.Least likely to respond? [sigh] ditto

44. What books are you reading? "Fishlopedia" and as of last night "Cartooning: The Head and Figure" (thank you! M.)

45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? I don't have a mouse pad. I feel so....deprived!

46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? I didn't. Well....I guess technically a blank screen.

47.Rolling Stones or Beatles? Rolling Stones. Rolling Stones falling out of trees collect no moss you know.

48. What's the furthest you've been from home? Florida. But they sent me back.

49. Do you have a special talent? I now know how to pee a squirrel! Isn't that special?!

50.Favorite quote? Ah, good taste what a dreadful thing! Taste is the enemy of creativeness! Pablo Picasso

51. Your hero: Jesus

Somebody e-mailed this to me, so some of you may have seen this, but it was too funny not to put up, so here it is:

Subject: WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too fat... 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

I just can't seem to get my gardening done. The weather is ranging from beautifully hot to scorching. Still my annuals sit potted in their wee little containers, becoming root bound.

Is it the weather? No.
Is it the fact that there is a de-construction zone popping up around me in the form of a fence coming down? No.
Is it that there is a hot new neighbour moving in across the street from me wearing nothing but his muscles and a pair of skimpy shorts while moving in? Nope, still just an 80 something year old gentleman with a cranky little dog.
I have no real truely good excuse for not doing the gardening.....except maybe one. My lawn gnome.

I am afraid if I plant lovely flowers around him I will become like one of those little old ladies that has lovely flowers with a lawn full of little dwarfs, gnomes and lawn jockies that take themselves far too seriously and think that their garden is the most spectacularly beautiful creation since God made Eden.

I'm not that old yet.

What is the solution to this age old "taking your ornamentation to seriously" problem?

A Turkey. Turkey decoys to be exact. The other half of we was discarding perfectly good ones that he no longer wished to hunt with. I have rescued their beeeehinds from the garbage and will have at least one rumaging through the plants. Probably staring at my neighbours house directly beside her laneway just to bug her. I want to see how long it needs to be there before she asks me the purpose of having the thing there. I'll just tell her it's to scare away the squirrels. (giggle)

Blogs are good for something after all! I've just thought through a problem and came up with the perfect solution. I'll decorate with turkeys this year and forget the flowers.

Clarification

Ah yes, it was pointed out that there may be some confusion. Being Canadian, we do everything in metric. Here's the translation:

30 eh! (Canadian)= 30 Celcius (the rest of the planet minus the States) which is 86 Fahrenheit (U.S.A.) or 303 Kelvin if you're so inclined.

40 eh?! = 40 Celcius which is 104 Fahrenheit or 313 K.

What does this all mean? I'm roasting baby!

I've dug into my winter stock of cartoons for this one I had done while lounging at the ski hill. It's refreshing after the 30 degree temperatures we've been having this week. Not to be out done by other warmer places we added a breathtaking humidity factor (truely breathtaking) to bring us up around mid to high 30's.

Before calling me a wimp, remember afterall, I am a Canadian! We're supposed to be pale and cold. It's what we do best!

A quick note from Vicki before I go:

Hello Darlings,

I just wanted to drop you a quick note letting you know I'll be soon travelling again.

Mr. Perpetual Chocoholic hasn't agreed to bring me along for his whirlwind tour of Europe, so I'll need to sneak my little self on board again. I'm not looking forward to the long journey in the overhead compartment, but I'll do it if it means I'll get to experience Italy and France.

I hear that in France most people don't even go through a bar of soap in a year. You have no idea how thrilled I am that I'm a Canadian undergarment if this is true. Phew darlings! Take a bath a little more often and give us all a break!

Much Love,

Vicki

Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave....

I can cross something off of my lifetime to do list. I finally got to hold a tarantula! Is that not exciting or what?! And even better....it didn't bite me.

I love spiders. Yes, love is a strong word when speaking of arachnids. I enjoy their beauty. Some from a distance might I add! The kind people at the local reptile zoo passed the spider around for all interested persons to hold. I was trying to keep my cool as it came closer and closer to me. I was excited enough to soil myself. Thankfully though, I didn't. Once I felt those furry little legs with picky tips tickling my palm I knew I was experiencing the next best thing to heaven.

Then I got to hold a python, some kind of lizard thingy and pet a skunk. Yes de-scented. Although can you ever really de-scent something so naturally pungent? I don't think so! (I wonder if they have to pee a skunk like they do squirrels.) Big whoop.

Anyhow, last evening I decided to start the campaign.

Me: That tarantula was AMAZING today!
Him: uh huh.
me: I want one.
him: (cough, sputter) HAA!
me: Does that mean yes?
him: (nasty look)
me: But I'll feed him, and walk him and clean up after him! Pleeeease!
him:
me: And a dog. I want a dog too. A tarantula and a dog.
him:
me: We could start with the dog though.

This is where I realized that he had completely tunned me out and had moved on to working on his lap top. I am a child again. A child begging for a pet. Not where I expected to be at 40.

Although a tarantula would be nice, and the possibility of one biting is not great, I wouldn't not seriously consider having one with young children in the house. I would however consider another dog. He doesn't want to. [sigh]

So I am now on the lookout for a pet to call my own. Something small that I can conceal. This morning I looked in the front garden. I found a pair of lady bugs. One looked like our native species. Nice, docile and beautifully red. The second looked like the invasive Asian kind that is wiping out our domestic ones.

I have included a picture. The one on the bottom would be my choice....it being the more docile of the two and less likely to munch on me. The Asian ones have a nasty habit of biting when hungry. Somehow though, I don't think a lady bug is the pet for me. I'm just not getting that "ooooh! come and meet my new pet, isn't it exciting!" feeling from her.

I apologize for the graphic nature of the picture. I had caught them, it seems at an inappropriate time.