Monday's Beat The Bus -- Fear Factor Style

Alllllright contestants. On todays beat the bus our family will be required to take caution while attempting to beat the bus, thus avoiding time consuming and potentially dangerous obstacles along the way. Can they do it? Let's just see.

5 minutes on the clock please as we play ....."Beeeeat the Bus!"

Perp: "Let's go! The bus is going to be here in 5 minutes! Let's get the lead out people!"
1-4: No dissernable movement in the house.
Perp: "I said let's go!!!!!!"
1-4: No dissernable movement in the house.
Perp: "I'm going ahead out to the bus!"
1-4: No dissernable movement in the house.
Perp: "No computer priviledges on the weekend if you don't.....umph!"
2 of 4: "Mom, are you ok, why are you lieing on the floor like that! We're going to be late for school!"

at the bus stop, as the bus drives past the end of the street to circle around the block....

3 of 4: "Oh no! I forgot my toy!"
Perp: "you don't have time to get it"
3 of 4: "Waaaaahhhhh! But I want it!"
Perp: "Too bad, so sad. You'll need to get yourself together earlier next time."
3 of 4: "But I can beat the bus! I'll go reaaaallly quick!"
Perp: "You miss the bus and there'll be big trouble! And I mean BIG!"

Faster than the speed of light....well, maybe faster than the speed of the neighbours dog....well, on second thought maybe not. He thinks it's a game. He's gaining on her, he's getting closer...closer....closer! He jumps..... he scores!

He sets 3 off balance, she stumbles, she stumbles, she slows, she gets her legging, she's up and running again! OH! But wait! It seems she's wearing flip-flops! With socks no less....oooooh! She trips on a flip of the flop. Bad fashion choice for today 3! And shame on you Mom for letting her make that decision! Especially the socks! tsk, tsk!

Here comes some further interference from down the street! A neighbour just entered the course and is assisting 3 to get up and brushed off. Three is angry, screaming and appears in pain, but has enough stregnth to beat off the kindly, helpful, neighbour. Ooooh! Three! Should you be calling her that?!

Mom is standing, stunned, up the street! Is she going to make a move? She appears to be....yes, turning red! She is embarrased about the beating the neighbour is getting. She starts to run towards 3. She apologizes, she grabs three and hugs her....

Perp: "Suck it up princess! Get your butt in that house NOW and get that toy or else! BIG TROUBLE!"

3 of 4 takes off again, here comes dad to see what all the yelling is about....Mom shoots him a dirty look! He knows not to provide further interference. Mom heads back to the bus. It doesn't look good for the team. Mom's shoulders slump in defeat. She sits on the curb. The neighbours dog comes and gives her a full contact face wash! Ooooh! Salt in the wound puppy!

But wait! Here comes three of four, with a stellar smile....well, she's still sobbing slightly, but with a stellar smile! Oh no! Here also comes the bus! Is she going to make it?

YEA! She just makes the bus! (but only because the driver sees the scrapped, sobbing child and decides to slow to a fast crawl.) Mom tosses the child on the bus as it passes.....another successful game.

Ok Vicki, lets tell Perp what she has won.....today you have won an all expense paid trip to your house with you're little 4 year old neighbour! You and you're neighbour will have a fun filled morning cleaning fish tanks and playing on kids web sites. If you're really good, you get a coffee later in the afternoon. Congratulations Perp!

God Help us! It's only Monday!

This is from Deb at A Simple Country Girls Dream

Nicknames: no. I have no names with nick in them.

Favorite Drink: Non-fat, no whip, decaf, half sweet peppermint mocha latte. (deep breath) and make that a venti please.

Tattoos: yes. I accidentally stabbed a pencil into my finger in grade school and the mark still exists. It's a blueish colour.

Body Piercings: just my ears. Do fillings in my teeth count?

How much do you love you job 0-10:10 but don't tell the other half of we that.

Birthplace:The delivery room in the hospital. My Mom was there. I'm sure it was wonderful. The fact that she cried because I wasn't a boy doesn't bother me a bit. Sniff.

Favorite Vacation Spot:I don't go on vacation. Only Vicki does.

Stolen any traffic signs: No, they are usually attached to the other drivers and I'm not about to go and grab someones middle finger.

2 door or 4 door? My house has 2, car has 4 and bike has none.

Salad Dressing: No. I prefer to dress lawn ornamentation. Specifically gnomes.

Pie: Cow

Favorite Movie: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Favorite Holiday: Christmas

Favorite Food: HAHA! I'll let you guess that one.

Favorite Day Of The Week: Thursday

Soap: (Now I just want to point out here that this says soap. Deb answered Tomato. ??? Does she like tomato soup or soap.) Baby's own. That's my favourite soap, not soup. I like tomato soup too....but not as a soap.

Toothpaste: No all my teeth are stuck in there on their own. I have known someone though who crazy glues his tooth in everytime it falls out. I expect he'll be dead soon.

What do you do to relax: sleep

Where do you see your self in 10 years: In a mental institution being visited by my four teenaged daughters and their biker gang, drug dealing boys friends and 15 kids. OK. Maybe they won't visit. That's just a pipe dream on my part.

What do you do when bored: I won't ever admit that I'm bored because something bad always happens when I do and I get reallllllly busy. Usually involves someone throwing up or bleeding, so I'm always entertained......whether or not I really am.

Now your turn.

After reading Rainy Pete's Unbalanced World, and following his links I used the "Voices of Many" translator set at buccaneer (pirate) to come up with the following adapation of an earlier post. It was worth it.

The other half o' we walked in the door yesterday afternoon after work. Two o' Four Greeted him with, "Hi Dad. How be yer game today." (As in golf.)

I think that I BE HAVIN' been a bit too understan'in' o' a wife. Altho he be indeed workin' yesterday, he does tend t' spend a lot o' time at the drivin' range an' at golf courses.

Befere ye say 'tis nay true Mr. Perp. Yer daughter just confirmed it fer me. Smirk.

On the opposite side o' thin's, one o' our Pastors came int' Chapters an' wasn't at all suprised t' see me sittin' on me butt in Starbucks sippin' on me Tall, non-fat, decaf, no whip, half sweet peppermint mocha latte.

If ye can't find me at home, just call thar or the fish store an' I'll get the message sometime durin' the day;-)

The "sippin' on me tall.....latte." particularily cracks me up in pirate. Sigh. I need a job or a hobby or something.

P.S. Thanks Pete! That was a lot of fun. I'll never read a news site the same way again.

I got a letter from the New Yorker magazine telling me that I had come in Fourth place in their photo captions contest. I was quite disappointed, because the first three picked ahead of me weren't even funny! It was because I was Canadian and they only accept submissions, funny or not, from Americans. That sucked big time,.............and then I woke up.

I heard my daughter rummaging around upstairs so, since I was awake I decided to go up and see what was the matter. She was feeding my best chocolate chips to my fish. Apparently they are only poisonous for dogs and they are really good for fish. Then she was feeding the big fat now hollow chocolate fish in my tank to Spotty, who was using the tank as his personal toilet. I did find this a bit disturbing.......and then I woke up.

I awoke to yet another lively game of beat the bus. Even though they moved the stop down the street, I have the advantage over "Speedy" and her haphazard ways. I have grown sticky pads on the fingers and soles of my feet. Like a tree frog. I can run, jump, grab the bus and hand on, banging on the windows until she stops................and then I woke up.

I was sitting in my Dentists chair getting frozen to the teeth (baha!) while he took out these horrendous drilling apparatus' and stretched my face like it was silly putty. My filling apparently needed to be replaced by a gargantuan one that felt like it took up my whole mouth. Although usually a gentle soft spoken fellow, he was laughing at jokes being told by other staff around the office and causing me great pain, the likes of which I have never felt before in his office, or in anyones office. Even during gum surgery I never felt this bad! I wish I could wake up. But this was not a dream. CRAP!

I like my dentist....lucky for him. If I didn't, I was thinking how much fun it might be to eat garlic bread and spaghetti and maybe a bit of curry before my appointment. Some navy beans might also be an appropriate choice to spice up the atmosphere. Then Que sera sera baby!

I mean, who in there right mind....or my insane one for that matter, would pay $269.00 to give them such agonizing pain. Don't answer that! It's just a rhetorical question.

If you'll excuse me, I sure could use a tylenol.

Dear Adventurer,

That chocolate didn't stand a chance! Not one of the bars made it home. That was the best tasting stuff I've had in a long, long time! At least since the last Kaluha cake you sent over.

I feel now that fall approaches, it's time to go and make fun of lawn ornamentation again before the snow hits. Our regulars are going to feel rejected if we don't at least pay a halloween visit.

Perpetual Chocoholic

...and I bet you thought I wouldn't post a clearer view Anon;-)
I feel like I'm the photographer for "Play Rat" magazine.

Spotty "Potster" the Rat

Did I lie?

Note: No rats were harmed in the taking of this picture. Humiliated and a little annoyed, but not harmed.

The other half of we walked in the door yesterday afternoon after work. Two of Four Greeted him with, "Hi Dad. How was your game today." (As in golf.)

I think that I've been a bit too understanding of a wife. Although he was indeed working yesterday, he does tend to spend a lot of time at the driving range and at golf courses.

Before you say it's not true Mr. Perp. Your daughter just confirmed it for me. Smirk.

On the opposite side of things, one of our Pastors came into Chapters and wasn't at all suprised to see me sitting on my butt in Starbucks sipping on my Tall, non-fat, decaf, no whip, half sweet peppermint mocha latte. If you can't find me at home, just call there or the fish store and I'll get the message sometime during the day;-)

Ahh, the innocence of a child. This masterpiece was an bold attempt at a lifelike drawing of Three of Four's pet rat "Spotty." Three is seven years old. Spotty is 5 months old and is a male. Obviously.

I explained to Three that when you draw a portrait, you need to keep your audience in mind....mainly her three sisters and parents, and that it didn't need to be quite so anatomically correct. She told me it wasn't. She felt her drawing didn't truely reflect the true likeness of his......boys. They are bigger. She is right. They are about a third of his total body size. They put most men to shame and make women blush.

So here he is in all of his glory, standing up on his hind legs, sending you all a hug.

Let the Parade Begin

I generally try to get to bed by midnight. Ok, actually 1am, but I was good on this particular night. Just when I was starting to settle two, almost 11 years old, gigglers (only one was mine) called me to the room with a very grave concern.

"We hear scratching coming from the wall! Then a thump, thump, thump, then more scratching!" Says one.
"The 'Extra child' thinks it might be a ghost." says One of Four while laughing nervously.

"hmmm. Considering that Spotty the Rat lives in his cage against the wall you are talking about, I'm quite sure that it is him you are hearing." I reply.
"But if you are really worried, and you think that it IS a ghost and you see it coming for you, just yell out "Whoooowaaaah!" and that'll take care of it for you. At least, that what works for me." I leave behind two giggling pre-teens.

Finally sleep catches up to me when I hear a loud bang. Three of Four jumping down from her bunk to go to the little ladies room. I fall back asleep.

"Psssst. Psssst." I hear a leak in a tire somewhere I say to my husband.
"No, it's me (1 of 4.....yet again). Three of Four went to the toilet about 20 minutes ago and didn't go back to her room. 'Extra' and I went to check up on her and she's asleep on the toilet." She says her voice broken intermittently by hysterical laughing.

"Gee Three. I didn't know toilet paper holders made good pillows too!" I sighed as she grumbled and shot me a hateful look as I awoke her and escorted her back to her room. Getting her there was one ordeal. Getting her into a high bunk was yet another. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't fun.

Once again, sleep manages to find me despite my frequent changes of address on this night. Unfortunately, they must feel I'm ready for yet another rude awakening, despite my thinking I may actually be able to live in my dream land for a while.

"Mom," says Two of Four quite firmly, not to be left out of this evenings events, "can I invite a friend over too?!"
"You mean now, at 3:10 in the morning?" I reply disbelievingly.
"Oh. Maybe now wouldn't be good." she mumbles, seemingly shocked by the time.
"Can I tomorrow then?" She asks sheepishly.
"Two! " I will not have a discussion about social invitations at this time of the night! GO TO BED!

God bless little Four of Four. The one that usually wakens me with nightmares, lonelyness, or requests manages to sleep through the night. That's ok though. Her sisters and friend more than made up for her one night off!!!

By the way. Mr. P. tells me I should go to bed earlier then I won't be so tired all of the time. Honestly. Would it really matter? It's just that much more time that someone would have to wake me up.

It was late. I decided to check the locks before retiring to bed for the evening. I casually walk over to the door of my apartment, sure that it must be locked, since I am the only one living there. Darn! It's unlocked. It's that crazy woman again leaving the door unlocked when she comes in. It's just then that she re-enters the apartment. Rushed and dressed to the teeth for an outting with....an ostrich perhaps. Her feather boa is full, fabulous and definately out of style.

I have never actually met her before, and am a little taken aback by her flamboyant appearance. None the less, I give her heck for leaving the apartment door unlocked. "It's not safe you know!" I chide her. Annoyed with myself for allowing her to have a key.

She seems unconcerned and goes on with her business. The tramp!

I walk down the hall towards the bedroom. It's dimly lit. The only light is provided by God's own moon. The windowless hallway is short and it's but a few steps to the comfort of cool sheets, warm blankets and a soft pillow. Perfect peace and happy slumber.

Unfortunately, Two other individuals have other plans for me. They must have let themselves in through the unlocked door.
"Blasted woman!" I say as I see their wispy figures materialize before me. Ghosts.

"Wooooooo! We're here to get you Sandi." Says the first.
The second pops in unceremoniously.

I am frightend at first, but then just annoyed that they are standing between me and my cozy bed. I know there is no polite request that will assure their departure. One must be firm when dealing with the spirit world.

"WWWWUUUUAAAAAH!" I scream as loud as humanly possible. It's drastic, but the only chance I have to rid myself of my unwanted visitors is to scare them away.

"Shhhh. It's ok dear! It's ok. Shhhh." I hear as I feel a gentle pat on my arm. I awaken.

"Did I just scream out loud?" I say unbelievingly
"Yes!" The other half of we replies, "and you just about gave me a heart attack you screamed so loudly!"

We settle back, letting sleep again overcome us. Well, one of us does. I get a bad case of the giggles. Actually, it starts off as giggling and then turns into hysterical belly laughing and snorting. Enough to shake the bed.

Twenty minutes later, after I start to come down from my happy high, I tell the Mr. that, "at least I'm not my father!"

One night while entwined in his sheets, feeling he is being restrained by an angry assailant, he uses his best kick boxing and karate moves to fight and break free. My mother was not a happy woman that night.

Not to be undone, my mother, also being attacked by unrelenting night time assailants, brings her leg back to get a full kick at her ghostly enemy. My father finished his sleep in the other room.

I'm not sure why my family is plagued by these types of dreams, which tend to end in our partners being startled, bruised, or just plain sleep deprived, but gosh....they sure are fun!

I fear it's too late my friends. While shopping at a quirky, up-scale little toy store yesterday I came across Gnome cinnamon flavoured gum. After my initial shock wore off I noticed the gnome lip balm hanging from a rack above. Where is this world going to.

I'm not sure, as shocking as the gnome products were, how I felt about the "Next to the Last Supper" Jesus Gum, and "Jesus Rocks" candy. Something just seemed so wrong about them!

Anyhow, everywhere I go gnomes seem to be invading my space. I'm completely sick of talking about them, but can't get away from them. Sadly, as much as I regret the passing of summer, the one thing to look forward to is that there will be few gnomes dotting the landscape during a good Canadian winter. At least here in my city. If you are a resident of a other certain city. I'm not mentioning any names Toronto, they need to call the army in to help when you get a snow storm. Wimps!

Now onto the really exciting and important business. Only two more weeks to school! Yeah baby!!!!!!!

Gno! Say It Ain't So!

It was a substitute for our missed Thursday evening romps through the neighbourhood, coffee in tow. There was a couple of weeks worth of conversation to make up for. News was exchanged.

A strange thing happens when you fall out of a regular routine for a time. Muscles take offence to being fired up after a vacation. Coffee shops close earlier than was previously the norm. The long and short of it is that we landed up back in the yard of adventures abode.

We had been coming to the end of a refreshingly cleansing discussion. Purging all of the anxieties of the past weeks under the bright light of a 3/4 moon. The grass felt greener in her garden. The air cool, the chairs more comfortable. The neighbours more interesting than the walker clad ones inhabiting mine. The soft bubbling from the koi pond in the background. Perfect peace! And then I saw IT!

Much to my alarm, out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of a flash of red. Normally under these circumstances I would feign ignorance to the offending creature, but unfortunately I stopped mid sentence and froze. Like a tongue on an icy door handle on a cold winters day (yes, I have unfortunately tried this. As a child of course!)

"Oh gno! You have.....a gnome." I mutter as if in doing so quietly it won't take notice of my knowledge of it's presence in the yard.

"Yes, but it's not the other kind." she calmly replies.

I'm not sure I know what she meant by "the other kind." I believe she may have been referring to the fact that it was not an actual forest gnome. I couldn't ask for an explanation. Much to my chagrin, one of my most favourite safe and happy places had been assimilated by them.

Sadly my friends, I have to report that Adventurer, a previously brave mocker of lawn ornamentation, is in posession of a lawn gnome. Or actually....a lawn gnome has taken possession of her family.

Be afraid.....be VERY afraid. You may be next!

Friday Funnies on Saturday

I was quite annoyed to find out that the usual radio talk show that I listen to late week night evenings had been replaced by "The X Zone" while the regular host was vacationing.

Aliens, Big Foot, conspiracy theories and any other wackiness you can think of is the basis for this show. Well guess what was on the other night!
I was just about to turn off the radio when I heard a guest discussing forest gnomes. Apparently, he had seen them himself! A large adult female and younger child gnome frolicing along the edge of a wooded area. I have just one question.

WHAT THE HECK IS A FOREST GNOME!? And do they look like the one planted in the front garden of my home? Beware! Gnomes are everywhere!

Enough with the serious and on to the silly. This was e-mailed to me by a neighbour. Let's call her White Mocha after a favourite Starbucks treat.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are._______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." _________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand. ______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog. ___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Only three more weeks until school starts. This year I have to walk down the street to the "New and improved" bus stop. It should be interesting.

The Other Use for Gnomes

They aren't just for decorating any more folks!

I picked up "Velocity" by Dean Koontz and read the following.....

.....Ned Pearsall raised a toast to his deceased neighbor, Henry Friddle, whose death greatly pleased him.
Henry had been killed by a garden gnome. He had fallen off the roof of his two-story house, onto that cheerful-looking figure. The gnome was made of concrete. Henry wasn't.

You were all right! Lawn gnomes are evil! And Mr. Koontz is under their control. He's threatening us with death by lawn gnome. It's a warning to us all!

Who woulda thunk they'd make such good weapons too! Well....aside from many of you who tried to warn me of their evilness!

Your Friday Giggle

I know, I know. It's not Friday. It just feels that way. It's 48 degrees up here today with the humidity....yes, celcius. Which I am told by the radio announcer is 118 F. So we need something to laugh about. It's also the start of Mr. P.'s holidays. (And Vicki's, she's just returned from South Carolina and was too tired to type.) A neighbour sent me these and they were funny .... for a change.

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Believe it or not I did edit out a few of the more.....colourful ones!

Happy Friday!

A Penny for Your Thoughts

In my first few months on this planet, I spent my days lounging around in my Moms "hot tub". My father used to wait until my mother and I were comfortably drifting off into a gentle sleep to make his move. He'd cautiously place his hands on her swollen belly and give it a good shake. I would awaken. My father would then slip into a comfortable slumber leaving me to kick the crap out of my mother, thus keeping her awake. But I got even. I was a colicy baby. HeeHee!

Unwittingly my father had created a creature of the night. As soon as the sun slips below the horizon my body kicks into gear and I am more awake then than I have been all day.

Last evening I needed to get out. No longer having to play beat the bus, allows me some much needed morning time sleep. And to keep from wanting to play beat the kids (not that I ever would!) I need a bit of time to relax and wander after dark to clear my head. That is how I found myself wandering the street at 9:00 at night.

As I was walking I was taken back to a time when you could go for a walk and find pennies periodically discarded along the street. Many dropped, but not considered worthwhile to pick up. As a child I used to love to collect them. The challenge of beating my previous record for the most pennies found in one trip was the game I played.

On this walk though the neighbourhood however, I had not found even a single one! What happend to all of the haphazardly discarded pennies that used to ocassionally lined the streets? I suppose I need to look at the makeup of my neighbourhood to figure this one out.

We own a small bungalow in a neighbourhood in which many older couples have lived and raised their families for the past 40 years. Many now in their 70's and 80's. These people tend to appreciate the value of money more than their younger counterparts and wouldn't leave a lost penny unlooked for. For them it's worth potentially breaking a hip whilst trying to reclaim their lost gem.

There are a few (very few) young families which also live amongst their geriatric friends. They don't have extra pennies lining their pockets. They have children to raise and use up every single one. They can't afford to leave dropped pennies along the street.

There are single fellows here and there in the neighbourhood. Yes, I say fellows since the majority are indeed male. They don't use pennies. They are of the modern computerized age and barely know what a penny even looks like! They use plastic.

There is the gay couple on the corner. They don't go onto the street. They move only between their front door and car. Their visitors do the same. They have their own little utopia that doesn't go past their front yard. They couldn't possibly leave pennies on the street, since I don't think that they've ever gone there outside of in their vehicle.

There are the drug dealers and grow-ops that think that if they set up in a "retirement" area that they won't be noticed. They don't have pennies. They only deal in paper money. I don't see any cash left on the pavement. And if I did, I would probably tend to leave it there for fear of being shot when trying to pick it up.

So what was I finding on the street? Sadly, I was seeing the decline of a once beautifully kept city. Never before had so many popcan tabs been visible. Had these been pennies I'd have beaten my record for sure. Cigarette butts aplenty, even though smoking has now gone out of style. Torn papers, weeds poking though the asphalt at an alarming rate. Leaves and bits of paper. Chalk drawings from one of the very few children unfortunate enough to live in "Grannyhood." Sticks, stones, rocks and boulders. Oh wait. That's not a boulder. That's the only part of the street that's not a pothole. Bird poop.

They used to care enough to sweep the streets. Now it's done but once a year in the Spring whether it needs it or not, because of cutbacks. It needs it! Believe me! We have to after all make sure that we use our tax dollars for more important things such as funding and forgiving debts accumulated by special interest groups for their parades. Foot bridges to save university students from having to walk a few meters to the other bridge. A light rail system running to and from the least populated portions of the city. The list of "necessities" goes on. They have cut back on the non-necessary tasks such as picking up the garbage on the streets, getting rid of graffiti, sweeping and cleaning the streets and culling the weeds.

It was with these thoughts whirling around inside my head, and with my eyes firmly glued to the ground that I walked into my neighbour. Built like tower in height and girth with a stare cold enough to freeze the melting ice caps she says,
"You didn't sweep my driveway after you mowed the lawn the other day."

Without looking up, because I might miss that one penny that I so desparately crave, I respond, "cutbacks."

Weenie Roast Anyone?

This has been floating around the web. An obviously sick individual sent it to me. By the way....if you are buying a product in the pet stores called "Bull Wrinkles" you may want to rethink your purchase. It's pretty much the same as what's above. Only bovine in nature. Dogs love them, but it's just somehow so wrong;-)

Working at a day camp. Lots of "active" kids. No bus drivers. Still rushed. Very tired. I must be crazy!

This was sent to me. Ahhhh! I feel the call of a Cafe Mocha. Venti of course!

Vicki gets pinned

Well Hello Darlings!

I'm having a wonderful time in San Diego! The weather is fabulous, and the palm trees are a sight for sore eyes!
I've got two new pieces of jewellry to show off. You may wonder where I've stashed all of my old baubles. I always remove them before my flight and leave them at home Darlings! I would so hate to embarrass Mr. Perp in any way should they ask why he was travelling with a ladies pair of undergarments covered in pins. This way I'm so much less flashy. He can just tell them he thought they were men's and all would be wonderful again!
Much love and wish me luck for the flight back!

Vicki Stripes
xxxx
ooo

My husband Phil

I wouldn't exactly say that the other half of we is a dead ringer for Robin Williams, but let me just say that many, many, MANY people have commented on the likeness through the years....except he's just not quite as hairy as Mr. Williams.
As Mr. Perp was flying to his destination a lovely American family from the Eastern U.S. thought they were fortunate enough to be flying with a star. When seeing my dearest they yelled out PHIL! Look it's Phil! Apparently now that he is getting older he's less like Robin and more like Phil Collins.
Personally, I think instead of straightening them out, as he did, he should of put on his best limey accent and signed autographs. Now that would have been a trip! Maybe he should have introduced them to Vicki and started some real star rumors [giggle].

Hello again Darlings!

I'm on the move again, thankgoodness! I was starting to get bored of the decore at home.
I'm on my way, probably as you read this, to San Diego via Chicago. I'm told that Mrs. Perp would probably have loved to go on this trip and is green with envy darlings! She would have just adored a trip to the zoo! (like she doesn't live with enough animals having all of those children!)
Wish me happy adventures, hope to have pictures soon.

Much Love,
Vicki
xxx
oooo

War Declared on Squirrels

I found myself standing outside this morning in my best grubbies at 7:30am picking up after last nights squirrel party in my garbage.

This is the kind of respect I get for working like a slave to feed, protect and entertain them! This is the respect I get in return for rescueing and peeing their babies. Will I take this abuse!!!!?

[hmmm.....they are awful cute when they stare up at me with their big squirrel eyes though. Especially the grey ones. The black ones too.]

NO! NO! NO! I will no longer take it!

This means war!

From now on I only buy the cheap peanuts. And no more ice cream on hot days for you busters!

Air Traffic Controllers: A most stressful job

While standing in the shower (try not to make a mental picture here please! It's not worth the effort.) I was thinking about the request I made to the other half of we.
"Please can you keep after them to get ready while I just quickly jump in the shower!"
Although he did do this (I could hear his coaxing all the way down to the basement.) The children did manage to find me just the same. Unwilling to break from their regular routine of "morningtime Mom" nagging (them nagging me, not the other way around.) The craziness started.

I found myself thinking about what many people agree is one of the more stressfull jobs on the planet. Air Traffic Control. Now, I can't imagine I would want the responsibility of directing large numbers of hulking bodies of metal at break neck speeds past each other, for a living. I'd be a basket case! Well, even more so of a basket case. This morning however, I was feeling a little like an air traffic controller. I've compiled a list of things that I do to control the seamless flight of my children to their appointed destinations in an attempt to see if I may also share some of the stress that these individuals may feel. Here's what I came up with:

*Does the Air Traffic Controller (ATC) get interupted in the shower to ask about preparations for the flight? I would guess no. I however was asked where a pair of shorts might be since a pair didn't seem to jump out and bite 1 of 4 on the nose when she looked in her drawer.

*Does the ATC receive complaints when terrorists take over a flight, and are ATC's responsible for the hostages? I have no idea, but I'd say no to the hostage part. I on the otherhand (while still in the shower might I add) had to hear about how 3 of 4 had waylaid 4 of 4's toy puppy and was threatening to give it a full and propper swirly in the toilet. Which probably hadn't been flushed all morning! A bad habit I have yet to break. (There is still some lingering concern about 'spoding toilets in this house.)

*Does the ATC have to participate in the food preparation for the in-flight meals? NOT! Not only is this part of my job, but also removing the week old sandwich (unrecognizable in nature) from 2 of 4's backback, so she wouldn't mistakenly partake of it's moldy rancid goodness instead....as has been previously known to happen.

*Does the ATC have to get upstairs to find one of the aircraft had yet to get dressed, brush it's teeth and hair while also finding it's shoes while the bus sits waiting outside the door? No, No and NO! (We all know speedy waits for no one!)

All the above being said, I still have to admit that an Air Traffic Controller's job is indeed more stressful than mine I am sure.

.....but oh! wait!.....I almost forgot!

Is the ATC's other half sitting in her office (and planning on remaining there for the entire day) with a man's version of a virus. (need I say more?!) NO! DEFINATELY NOT! That alone is equivalent of a few dozen aircraft!

Maybe I was being a bit hasty on saying their job is more stressful. Let's just say it's a toss up.

Happy second last day of school to those in our school board!

Vicki should be coming home now. The trip to Paris ended up being a version of around the world in 24 hours. Hopefully the flight home is a little more direct and will go a bit more quickly!

Here she is looking lovely with her Paris pin. I'm sure she'll want to blog as soon as she gets back.

Well something more than just a little bizzarre happend late this afternoon. While standing in a circle on my front lawn bidding farewell to some visitors a small black furry mass started making it's way towards us. I watched out of the corner of my eye as a young healthy looking fellow boldly went where no squirrel had dared to go before! Right past the people on the edge into the center of the circle. It sniffs around a bit and stops right in front of 3 of 4.

3 of 4 was eating an orange creamcicle. Yum. It moved to an inch or so from her shoes and stood up on it's hind legs and started begging! Now, in all honesty, I have not fed the squirrels of late! Not this one for sure! One of the guests attempted to scare the little fellow away with a repeated stomping of his foot to no avail. (There was no way in a hundred million years he'd do anything to bring himself any closer to an animal such as this, crazy or not! So stomping was his weapon of choice.)

My neighbour came over and told me a tale of what seemed like this very same squirrel blocking their path to their doorway on their way back from the Dairy Queen just half an hour earlier! When they couldn't figure out what the blasted thing wanted (and it wouldn't let them pass) it jumped up on to the rear of their jeep and attempted to get close to the childrens ice cream! And they weren't even nutty flavours!!!

This only can mean one thing. Someone in the neighbourhood is taming squirrels....other than us.

P.S. We did go and get it some peanuts which it sat and greedily devoured about an inch from my own shoes. I kept the kids at a safe distance.

I think they may be plotting a take over of the neighbourhood. (The squirrels and the kids.)

Extreme Makeover

I started to think that perhaps my children have been watching too many extreme makeover shows of late when I found this picture sitting on my desk this morning. That was until I realized what this truely must represent. The before version is an exact likeness of me when I get up in the morning and am trying to get them on the bus.

The after picture is also a pretty close likeness to what I look like after I sucessfully shuffle them on their way.

Sometimes the truth hurts;-)

(mumble, mumble.....little brats.)

My lawn gnome needs a name. Any suggestions? (And no! As tempting as it is....please, nothing rude!)

My neighbour across the street recently had his outdoor solar lights lifted by light fingers. Apparently he wasn't the only one on the block. While he was talking at me of boobie traps and hooligans, I felt my mind shifting focus over to my own garden.

Nobody vandalized my place, this time. Was I not good enough to steal from? Sure, I haven't been as quick to get my own lights out, but I have a perfectly good lawn gnome sitting out in front just ripe for the pickin'! And he is, after all, certainly more desirable an addition to any garden than a silly old set of solar lights. Jeez!

Any how, I now believe it's time to name the little fellow. I'd hate for him to go through life being labelled just "the gnome".

Any suggestions?

P.S. I realize what he looks like! I've had it pointed out to me numerous times. Clean suggestions only please.

Hello again darlings,

I'm packing and readying myself to slip into the luggage for a fabulous time in old gay Paris. That's gay as in happy darlings, should you wonder. I'm taking back the word.

I'm not sure where else I'll be travelling to this summer. Turkey has been mentioned, but I think that I'll skip that one. Wouldn't want Mr. P. having to explain my purpose in an airport over there. Plus I absolutely refuse to cover my head, since I don't have one. I may do California again though. This time hopefully he'll buy me that pin I crave. A girl does like her jewellry you know.

Well ta, ta for now darlings, will chat when we get back. Wish me luck! I still hate flying so!

xoxoxo
Vicki Stripes

Adventurer sent this by e-mail, but I'm answering by blog and tagging anyone that wants to do it too!

1. Full name? Perpetual Chocoholic.

2.Were you named after anyone? The beach

3. Do you wish on stars? Yes, but Oprah still hasn't come through for me.

4. When did you last cry? When Mr. Blue stopped dancing.

5. Do you like your handwriting? Only when it writes what I want it to. On it's own it gets into all kinds of trouble.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turkey. The dead cooked kind, not the decoys on the front lawn.

7. How many kids? How many kids what?

8. Names and ages of kids: What kids?!!

9.If you were another person, would you be friends with you? heeheehee!

10. Do you have a journal? Isn't that what I'm writing on? D'uh!

11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Oh never! [smirk]

12. Would you bungee jump? No. Not unless there was a chocolate river at the bottom and I'd been deprived for about a year.

13. What is your favorite cereal? Oatmeal with half a bag of brown sugar.

14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No. And it makes me really mad when I go to put them back on. That being said....I haven't got laces on my sandals. They're sheer bliss.


15. Do you think that you are strong? Only with God behind me. But if you're talking about smelling....I showered and wore deodourant! Jeez!

16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate mint chip.

17.Shoe Size? 9. Which doesn't mean anything for women. You know....like a large shoe size does for a guy?!

18. Red or Pink? Blue

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My appendix. But that's ok, I got rid of it.

20. Who do you miss most? Mr. Blue.

21. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? Since I put this on a blog instead of sending it by e-mail....no.

22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? What kind of sick question is this! Is this like one of those obscene phone calls people used to get? Blue, bare.

23. Last thing you ate? Chocolate chips.

24. What are you listening to right now? Peep and the big wide world and my fish tank filter.

25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Oh, they don't have a colour to fit me! But I'd choose a chickory blue.

26. Favorite Smells? Babies (the heads not the bottoms) Lilacs, chocolate on a rainy day, sunny day or any day, and Mr. P. When he's showered of course.

27. Last person you talked to on the phone? which phone? Cell or land line?

28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Age.

29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Absolutely. Particularily I appreciate her on Thursday evenings while sipping coffee and decorating gnomes.

30. Favorite Drink? Grande Non-fat, half-sweet peppermint mocha latte.

31. Favorite Sport to Watch? Hockey, but only if I'm doing something else while the t.v. is on.

32. Hair Color? Strawberry blonde. But lately someone has painted a couple white while I wasn't looking. I hate when that happens. I'm only 40 for goodness sakes!

33. Eye Color? grey.

34. Do you wear contacts? No.

35. Favorite Food? chocolate. Are these questions repetitive? I feel like I've written chocolate quite a bit.

36. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? I'm not picky.

37. Last Movie You Watched? Something Scottish with a deaf kid.

38. Favorite Day of the Year? I like nearly all of them. I guess I'd have to say Feb. 31st though.

39. Summer or winter? Summer.

40. Who do you hate in life? Luckily I can't think of anyone.

41. Favorite Dessert? Chocolate Kahlua cake.

42. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? No one since this is a blog.

43.Least likely to respond? [sigh] ditto

44. What books are you reading? "Fishlopedia" and as of last night "Cartooning: The Head and Figure" (thank you! M.)

45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? I don't have a mouse pad. I feel so....deprived!

46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? I didn't. Well....I guess technically a blank screen.

47.Rolling Stones or Beatles? Rolling Stones. Rolling Stones falling out of trees collect no moss you know.

48. What's the furthest you've been from home? Florida. But they sent me back.

49. Do you have a special talent? I now know how to pee a squirrel! Isn't that special?!

50.Favorite quote? Ah, good taste what a dreadful thing! Taste is the enemy of creativeness! Pablo Picasso

51. Your hero: Jesus

Somebody e-mailed this to me, so some of you may have seen this, but it was too funny not to put up, so here it is:

Subject: WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too fat... 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

I just can't seem to get my gardening done. The weather is ranging from beautifully hot to scorching. Still my annuals sit potted in their wee little containers, becoming root bound.

Is it the weather? No.
Is it the fact that there is a de-construction zone popping up around me in the form of a fence coming down? No.
Is it that there is a hot new neighbour moving in across the street from me wearing nothing but his muscles and a pair of skimpy shorts while moving in? Nope, still just an 80 something year old gentleman with a cranky little dog.
I have no real truely good excuse for not doing the gardening.....except maybe one. My lawn gnome.

I am afraid if I plant lovely flowers around him I will become like one of those little old ladies that has lovely flowers with a lawn full of little dwarfs, gnomes and lawn jockies that take themselves far too seriously and think that their garden is the most spectacularly beautiful creation since God made Eden.

I'm not that old yet.

What is the solution to this age old "taking your ornamentation to seriously" problem?

A Turkey. Turkey decoys to be exact. The other half of we was discarding perfectly good ones that he no longer wished to hunt with. I have rescued their beeeehinds from the garbage and will have at least one rumaging through the plants. Probably staring at my neighbours house directly beside her laneway just to bug her. I want to see how long it needs to be there before she asks me the purpose of having the thing there. I'll just tell her it's to scare away the squirrels. (giggle)

Blogs are good for something after all! I've just thought through a problem and came up with the perfect solution. I'll decorate with turkeys this year and forget the flowers.

Clarification

Ah yes, it was pointed out that there may be some confusion. Being Canadian, we do everything in metric. Here's the translation:

30 eh! (Canadian)= 30 Celcius (the rest of the planet minus the States) which is 86 Fahrenheit (U.S.A.) or 303 Kelvin if you're so inclined.

40 eh?! = 40 Celcius which is 104 Fahrenheit or 313 K.

What does this all mean? I'm roasting baby!

I've dug into my winter stock of cartoons for this one I had done while lounging at the ski hill. It's refreshing after the 30 degree temperatures we've been having this week. Not to be out done by other warmer places we added a breathtaking humidity factor (truely breathtaking) to bring us up around mid to high 30's.

Before calling me a wimp, remember afterall, I am a Canadian! We're supposed to be pale and cold. It's what we do best!

A quick note from Vicki before I go:

Hello Darlings,

I just wanted to drop you a quick note letting you know I'll be soon travelling again.

Mr. Perpetual Chocoholic hasn't agreed to bring me along for his whirlwind tour of Europe, so I'll need to sneak my little self on board again. I'm not looking forward to the long journey in the overhead compartment, but I'll do it if it means I'll get to experience Italy and France.

I hear that in France most people don't even go through a bar of soap in a year. You have no idea how thrilled I am that I'm a Canadian undergarment if this is true. Phew darlings! Take a bath a little more often and give us all a break!

Much Love,

Vicki

Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave....

I can cross something off of my lifetime to do list. I finally got to hold a tarantula! Is that not exciting or what?! And even better....it didn't bite me.

I love spiders. Yes, love is a strong word when speaking of arachnids. I enjoy their beauty. Some from a distance might I add! The kind people at the local reptile zoo passed the spider around for all interested persons to hold. I was trying to keep my cool as it came closer and closer to me. I was excited enough to soil myself. Thankfully though, I didn't. Once I felt those furry little legs with picky tips tickling my palm I knew I was experiencing the next best thing to heaven.

Then I got to hold a python, some kind of lizard thingy and pet a skunk. Yes de-scented. Although can you ever really de-scent something so naturally pungent? I don't think so! (I wonder if they have to pee a skunk like they do squirrels.) Big whoop.

Anyhow, last evening I decided to start the campaign.

Me: That tarantula was AMAZING today!
Him: uh huh.
me: I want one.
him: (cough, sputter) HAA!
me: Does that mean yes?
him: (nasty look)
me: But I'll feed him, and walk him and clean up after him! Pleeeease!
him:
me: And a dog. I want a dog too. A tarantula and a dog.
him:
me: We could start with the dog though.

This is where I realized that he had completely tunned me out and had moved on to working on his lap top. I am a child again. A child begging for a pet. Not where I expected to be at 40.

Although a tarantula would be nice, and the possibility of one biting is not great, I wouldn't not seriously consider having one with young children in the house. I would however consider another dog. He doesn't want to. [sigh]

So I am now on the lookout for a pet to call my own. Something small that I can conceal. This morning I looked in the front garden. I found a pair of lady bugs. One looked like our native species. Nice, docile and beautifully red. The second looked like the invasive Asian kind that is wiping out our domestic ones.

I have included a picture. The one on the bottom would be my choice....it being the more docile of the two and less likely to munch on me. The Asian ones have a nasty habit of biting when hungry. Somehow though, I don't think a lady bug is the pet for me. I'm just not getting that "ooooh! come and meet my new pet, isn't it exciting!" feeling from her.

I apologize for the graphic nature of the picture. I had caught them, it seems at an inappropriate time.

WooHoo!

I FINALLY got through almost a whole night without someone waking me up because:
*I was snoring
*They couldn't find the toilet
*They had to up-chuck their supper, preferably on me so I would believe them
*They had a bad dream and wanted to make sure I hadn't indeed run off to join the circus with the other dancing alligators
*They just wanted to say hi
*They dreampt they were swimming with the hippos and peed the bed
*Oh and yes, (about 10 minutes after the waking me up just to say hi!)and by the way, I love you Mama.

At about 5 am my wee one woke me up because she wanted me to come and sleep with her in HER bed. I was too tired to argue, and so dragged myself to her room and nestled myself amoungst the 1oo million stuffed toys, bubbies (baby blankets), pillow and books. So comfortable. Glad to be invited.

Two nights ago however, was even more interesting.
3 of 4 awoke and eventually made her way into the kitchen and came and wrapped her arms around me.

Awww! How sweet! She got up to give me a hug....before I fell asleep for a change. I noticed then that she was fidgiting with my shirt in the front. It appeared she was trying to lift my shirt or something. It was then I realized the true nature of her visit to the kitchen. She thought I was the toilet. She was lifting my lid so that she could pee on me.......

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I am NOT the toilet! The bathroom is down the hall. HOLD IT 'TILL WE GET THERE! I yell as I rush her down the hall.....just in time might I add!

I have previously found her in the kitchen opening the utensil drawer, sitting on her sisters bed and in the livingroom on my recliner. Luckily I have always managed to catch her before she does her business.

Oh the joys of living with a sleepwalker.....or should I say sleep peer.

Some nights running away with the dancing alligators sounds tempting. I'd probably get a better sleep in a circus caravan!

It's raining. Again. It's been raining for longer than I care to think about. I'm starting to feel like one of my fish got their wish and soon I'll be living in a little bowl full of atmosphere while the rest of the planet in underwater. I hope they feed me as well as I've fed them, and that they remember that it is they that like blood worms, and not me.

Tomorrow is Victoria Day. A holiday of course! You can't let a long dead queens birthday pass without celebration and a national holiday! So an early Happy Victoria's Day to all.

On Canada day we put up flags and wear maple leaf t-shirts. We have fireworks and parties. Parliament hill jam packs full of happy folk and enjoy live entertainment......other than the politicians for a change.

What do we do for Victoria Day? I believe there are fireworks. A bit "damp" for that, to say the least, this year. That's it. Most start their planting in these parts on this weekend. Too wet to do that though. Cold also. Cold and wet. Yup.

I know....we can all dress up in pompous looking attire and go around looking like we sucked on a lemon while someone shoves a stick up our butt. That's the image brought to mind when someone says Queen Victoria. Sounds like a plan. Let the fun begin!

Where's the Bus?

We played beat the bus today. I'm sure we were destined to lose on this particular morning. 2 of 4 was standing barefoot, unbrushed and whining in the living room when the bus should have been shooting down the road at break neck speed. But it didn't happen. No bus appeared.

Fifteen minutes after the bus should have arrived, the children stood around laughing at each other making lizard faces, sticking out their tongues and falling into fits of giggles. (I can't imagine WHO ever started them on that activity--smirk) Still no bus appeared.

I decided, much to the chagrin of 4 0f 4, who likes to lounge in her jammies and catch up on her shows in the morning, that we'd drive to school today. When we got there....still no bus had arrived ahead of us.

I'm not sure what happend to "Speedy" this morning, but it leaves me wondering why I try so hard to beat the bus in the mornings if she's just going to not show up one day. Doesn't she know I have a schedule to keep! I even wore a bra to the bus this morning under my sweatshirt and put on some jeans and brushed my hair! It's not every day I do that! Talk about inconsiderate! Humph! Double-Humph!!

So, I had to take 4 of 4 out for coffee early today and have a muffin with it after dropping the other three off. Sigh. Life is so hard as a stay at home mom.

I saw this on Deb's blog, who saw this on Melissa's blog, thought it looked like fun, and stole. . .er. . .I mean. . .borrowed the idea.

Accent – I don't have an accent EH! The rest of the world does.

Booze of choice – I don't drink. So sadly I have no excuse for my bizarre behaviour!

Chore I hate – Cleaning my storage room. So I generally don't.

Dog or Cat –DOG!!!! Cats were a failed attempt by an alien race to take over the planet. Some people fall under their power, which is why one will never again cross my door step! Hateful beasts! Except the ones with dog like characters. I like those.

Essential electronics – a radio that has our local talk station so I have something to get enraged about on a daily basis.

perfume - No. I'd have to really stink to make myself wear the stuff. I never do stink that much! It makes me sneeze.

Gold or Silver? Gold. Except on my teeth. For those if I ever need to get them capped, porcelain.

Hometown – Same city I'm a sittin' in now. eh.

Insomnia? – frequently. But never during the day!

Job Title – I haven't decided yet what it will be for this week. I'm leaning towards cartoonist again. Maybe painter. Possibly aquarist. I'll let you know.

Living Arrangement – I used to think that we owned a house and that I live with my family. Actually as it turns out we are just tennants of the local squirrels. When we don't hand over the nuts they take the rent out in garbage. It's a sweet deal either way.


Most-admired trait – I suppose it's .....I want to say honesty, but most people now adays don't admire that all that much. They think I'm absolutely insane when I'm honest.

Number Of Penguins In Your Bathtub – No penguins presently, but at least one hippo and possibly a squirrel. You never know when they will pop in for a visit and feel like taking a bath.

Overnight Hospital Stays – only if I can be promised a semi-private room with the most loud, annoying, foul smelling individuals on the planet. I lucked out twice.

Phobia – I'm afraid to say!~

Quote – "Ah good taste--what a dreadful thing! Taste is the enemy of creativeness!" Pablo Picasso

Religion – I am a Christian. Free Methodist.

Siblings – yes. both artistic and only slightly more normal than myself.

Time I wake up – 12am, 1:30, 3:15, 3:30, 4:45, 5:30, 6:00, 6:01, etc....

Unusual talent/skill – I see dead people...JUST KIDDING. I can't think of anything. I can eat a couple of Kg. of chocolate without puking? Is that a talent or skill?

Vegetable I refuse to eat – Eggplant. Never tried it. Don't want to....but gosh, it sure is a pretty colour!

Worst habit – chocolate, dressing gnomes, using 'ou' instead of just 'o'. I'm not fond of the Queen, but I just can't give up her English.

X-rays – I'm trying to cut down.

Yummy foods I make – Chocolate chip cookies!!!! Blood worms. The cookies are for me and the blood worms are for my fish. I don't actually make them though (the worms). I do a mean defrost though!

Zodiac sign – No, but theres a no flyer sign on our mail box.

But hey. . .what about you?

Baby Black

Obituary

Died suddenly, at the tender age of about 2 weeks, Woody the squirrel passed away in his sleep, comfortably on his hot water bottle, freshly fed and peed.

Woody was a good squirrel. Had he had the chance, we are sure he would have been able to scrounge through the garbage, damaged property and stare in my windows had he been afforded the chance to grow along with his siblings and his peers. I mean .... fellow pee-ers.

All welcome to the kind person's backyard for a closed shoe box funeral before he starts to smell.

He is survived by about 60 kazillion siblings located throughout the planet.

Donations can be made in his honour to your local Wildlife care centre. Sure wish we still had one. Our municipality shut it down and made it illegal to treat wild animals. The infirmed now need to be cared for by people who don't know how to pee them or through the underground "pee the squirrel" groups. (i kid you not!)

He was a trouper!

To Pee or Not To Pee...That is the Question

I was innocently driving my bike with my backseat driver 4 of 4, trailing behind in the "chariot" bike trailor down a bike path through the neighbourhood that I am obsessively attracted to, next to my own. It has a great Starbucks and lots of quaint little shops with the feel of a little town all it's own in the middle of the city. The houses range from small cottage like dwellings to huge modern monstrosities peppered all throughout. I wasn't even LOOKING for trouble today!

"You're driving very bumpy mom!" says 4 of 4, not at all disappointed in the lack of appropriate shocks and sad state of affairs that the path is in.
I notice out of the corner of my eye, when passing a tree along the path, a huge set of gleaming black eyes attached to an itty bitty tiny wee black body lounging under a large pine. I hit the brakes. It's a baby squirrel.

"Look 4 of 4! A baby squirrel. (Not that I at all like squirrels or anything! Snicker.) All alone under a tree!" I tell the unimpressed child.
"ahhh! yes!" she replies in that voice that tells me she's humouring me, and lets get on with hitting those bumps! But I can't leave. I have to against the better judgement of my little inner voice, check this out.

I approach and it doesn't run away. I reach out tentatively, afraid of being bitten, and pet it's cutsey wootsy little baby squirrel head. It drags itself to a neighbouring pine. It's legs are not strong. It's a baby, but how old I don't know. I wrap it in Jessie's cozy "bubby" (blanket) and it starts to close it's eyes. It's exhausted!
"Oh no! Not my bubby mommy!" she whines.

After consulting with some passersby I decide to bring it with me. The poor wee thing has been there since at least yesterday, following people down the path looking for someone to ..... who knows what.

"Oh no!!! NOT MY DORA KNAPSACK!" she says in a frantic wail.
I explain I will remove the baby squirrel when I get home and her knapsack will be unharmed. She is suspicious, but begrudgingly agrees.

I stop at my neighbour, and dear friends house just across from my own, to show her my precious find, not having a clue what I will do with a baby squirrel during our coffee time which is fast approaching. Little did I know I came to the right person!

I'll skip the first part of the conversation and get right to the interesting part:

"What the heck to you mean I have to "pee the squirrel?" I ask. I couldn't have heard her right. She must have said something else. Why in the world would I ever want to pee on a squirrel?
"No, not pee on the squirrel....you need to PEE the squirrel."

I am confused. Now I will admit, it doesn't always take that much to confuse me, but she had me totally stumped.

"Baby squirrels aren't able to pee themselves, so their mothers lick them on their...ummm....you know....privates, to stimulate the release of their pee and stool." she says in a calm, hey this happens everyday, kind of voice.

I laugh nervously. "I think you should do that part! You sound like you know what you're talking about and I might just lick the wrong part!" I say wondering when she'll get to the punch line of this bad joke! I don't want the thing to die or anything, but that's asking a little much....even for a squirrel!

"No!!!! You need to use warm water and a cotton swab, or your finger to mimic the mom licking him."
"Phew!" I thought you were pulling some kind of sick joke on me or something!"

Thankfully, she contacted a person who just happend to be working from home and could rush right over to come and warm, feed and pee the squirrel! You can't even imagine how much relief I was feeling when I found out there was someone to take over this job!

After a quick look, it turns out it was dehydrated, in need of rehydration with a homemade concoction of the equivalent of squirrel pedialyte, and then formula, as well as a good peeing when all else was done. A little damage to the tip of it's tail was the only visable injury.

Although I was worried about harming it by bringing it home in a Dora knapsack on my bike....it turns out I made the right decision. It would have died otherwise for sure. At least now, God willing, it will have a chance to pull through.

One more squirrel may safely roam the earth to pick though the garbage and reek havoc in the neighbourhood....next to mine, if all goes well. I'm sure the people there all appreciate my contribution. Woo Hoo! I think....

The Mystery of the Wandering Water Can

It was a dark and stormy night. The kind of night that smart people stayed tucked comfortably in their homes. Not the kind of night that two respectable dames should be out wandering around the streets like cheap hookers waiting to make their next buck.....ok, wait. It wasn't really dark and stormy. Dark yes, stormy no. It was a cool evening, with the feel of winter still lingering in the air. It just doesn't have the same punch as dark and stormy. Anyhow, on with the story....

What looked like aimless wanderings by these dames, actually had a purpose. These dames were on a mission. They were there to enhance a rooster and two horses. Little did they realize that they would become a couple of dicks solving an unnerving mystery before the evening was through.

They quickly found their target just around the corner from their local hangout, where a girl could get a coffee cheap. Real cheap if she's wearing the right head gear. Tonight though, there were no bunny ears for the mission. They would have to pay real dough for their caffeine fix. The Barista had just kicked them out into the street, a routine which happend at closing time with a regularity that most constipated elderly people could admire.....hmmm, I'll need to work on imagery on that descriptive sentence....

They head around the corner with their target in full view. Unfortunately the come across something unexpected. Another dame has had the same idea tonight. She too is out wandering the streets like some cheap hooker....you get the point. and she's bending over the targeted ornaments moving mysteriously through the garden with something in her hand.

Is the spray painting the offending art work? Is she enhancing herself, or just using her peepers to get ideas for her own hideous decor. No....she's watering the plants surrounding the ornaments.

The two dames pass the property. No use in tipping her off to their intentions. They turn part way down the street to do another pass, like a cheap hooker....I may have used that one enough, so I'll think of something else to put here. like a copper on the beat watching a suspicious character, waiting for him to make his move.

One of the dames notices something off about this scene. There is a trail of blood leading up the street.....actually it's water. But I got your attention, didn't I! HeeHee.There's a trail of water running up the street away from the lawn where the watering dame stood.

"Why would she go for water somewhere else? Why not use the water from the house?" The taller smarter more astute dame asks.
"She came from somewhere else?" the strawberry blonde dame responds. The taller dame is used to hanging out with a blonde and explains what she saw.

They follow the trail up the street to busy downtown like intersection. It crosses over the road to the other sidewalk. The determined pair follow it's track like hounds on a fox, dodging traffic all the way.

The trail is leading down the legnth of the block. The pair are confused by the craziness of the watering dame. Why would someone carry a heavy watering can this far.

They are greatful for the spilled water that dots the sidewalk, like dog urine on a tree, and thankful that it's too cool to evapourate away at any great speed. The water, not the dog urine. Was that clear when you read this sentence? They continue on.
The darkened trail turned a corner and disappears up the walkway of a restaurant. Won Ton's Chinese restaurant to be exact. It comes to an end at the front door. It was the kind of front door that was made of glass and invited voyeurs to enjoy their fill of free entertainment.

The strawberry blonde looks up and sees a chinese man working late at his counter. Being partially blonde, she states the obvious....
"He's chinese! The watering can lady was chinese! I wonder if she works here?"
The taller dame patiently says, "she may, but why would she carry the water all that way?"

Ooooh, ooooh! I know!! Says Ms. Strawberry in a moment of pure genius. The kind of genious that hits with the regularity of a lightening strike to flesh, maybe once in a life time, if your lucky.

"The can was probably full of chinese tea! Leftovers! Tea's good for the plant, and chinese people are good with plants!"
Says Ms. Strawberry, beaming from this revelation.

There would be no decorating tonight. They'd have to go back when the dame wasn't out primping her garden, like a cheap hooker primping up herself before her next customer. But then, that's ok. There'd be other nights, other missions, and these dames were patient. They would decorate another night.
Insert thunder sound here and start mystery music in your head.

The Very End!

Oh yes, by the way! Only one more day until decorating night. I'm hoping we can find the lawn ornaments again. I wasn't paying attention to what street they were on. I hope Adventurer remembers! We'll be decorating a rooster and two horses. A neighbour suggested I put first prize ribbons on the horses. I still am thinking Easter eggs for the rooster. What should we fill them with?

Anything else?

I snatched this from Deb's blog.

I am: easy-going, silly, usually happy, quite sarcastic, accident prone, mischievous, lacking in mental abilities much of the time, usually about a month behind the rest of the world.

I want: Jesus to come back BEFORE it's my turn to die! Money, fame (for positive reasons) one of my old bosses to ask me for a job (heeheehee!)pretty much what everyone else wants.

I hate: eating seafood. Fish are pets not food! Constipation, nosey neighbours, pushy people, thongs! Man, what's with the facination with butt floss? That can't really be comfortable?!

I miss: my pre-pregnancy body. My boobs being above my waist. Having a waist.

I fear: head lice, wouldn't you like to know the rest!!!

I hear: barely anything unless it's said by God himself!

I wonder: if men really think comb overs are attractive! Why British accents sound so pompous. Why Hollywood women think they look good after plastic surgery.

I regret: being so shy when I was a kid. Not enjoying my early 20's as I should have.

I am not: normal! talented, cranky, driven (lately)

I dance: No longer. I used to dance with Mr. Blue. He'd get excited when I put music on and get up on his hind legs to waltz with me, no matter the type of music.

I sing: only if someone holds a gun to my head. I do not make pretty sounds with my voice!

I cry: once every 10 to 15 years whether I need to or not. Usually not more than that.

I’m not always: eating chocolate. Just most of the time.

I make with my hands: quilts, crocheted baby blankets, piano music, the best chocolate chip cookies in the world, the best looking decorated gnomes in the city! The odd painting. Really big messes!

I confuse: Just about everybody!

I need: to be more organized, like I was before kids, efficient, tidy. Chocolate regularily. To find a way to convince 4 of 4 that "boogs aren't for eating. You need to use a kleenex!"

I should: clean my basement, exercise more, eat less chocolate [snort, ya right!].

I start: many projects that I never finish. Eating chocolate as soon as I get up.

I tag: anyone who wants to play

Things are slowly starting to twist back to the abnormal. I can't say for sure that it's a foregone conclusion that things will ever be as bizzare as they once were in my jaunts through the neighbourhood. That would be asking too much. But things are better.

We have gotten into a nice routine of being ready for the bus 5 minutes early. We haven't missed one of late. I just toss the kids onto the moving bus, which "Speedy" slows down only slightly when she's in a good mood. On a bad day I just have to toss them harder. I haven't missed yet, but if I do, my kids are flexible and athletic. They'll bounce back in no time at all. I don't bother to say hello to Speedy in the morning. She scares me. I'm afraid she may run me down in my laneway one day, so I just wait back by the house until tossing time.

I went back to Walmart the other evening only out of sheer necessity. I needed to buy up all of the left over Easter chocolate that was on sale and a shirt. I had my 3.5 year old with me. We were browsing through the shirts when a short petite stick of a woman, with a heavy Eastern European accent approaches me and asks if I know where there is a mirror. I point to one 5 feet away.
"Ah! yes! Gut, gut!"
"Thees looks gut on me....yes?"she asks while adjusting a short orange decorative garment to cover a shirt? I'm not sure exactly what the purpose was of this garment. It looked like it was made out of an orange fishermans net.....but ok. I'll answer her.
"Ya, sure." I say, waiting for her to let me pass.
"Yah! You like it? It's nice? No?"
"Ya, nice." I say watching her start to twist around a bit.
She looks at me with great hope in her eyes. She really seems to need my approval. She really wants me to love it. I'm waiting for her to offer me a job like the last Eastern European I met in Walmart.
There are only a handful of Eastern European people in the city and I seem to be meeting them all at Walmart. There's a bazillion French Canadians in the city and I've never ever ran into one in Walmart. Go figure.
She pauses and waits for further approval and praise.
"Nice."
"Nice."
"yup. Reeeeally nice."
"I hear that orange fishing net look is really in for little itty bitty Eastern European women this year!"
Ok! Maybe I didn't actually say that part. At least not out loud!
I slowly back away. How did I become this womans personal shopper. She's treating me like I'm her daughter out for a girls day out.
"Really nice....see ya. What's that Princess 4 of 4 (my youngest) you need to go pee? oooooh! We'd better hurry!"
My daughter didn't have to go pee. I just made that part up. Sometimes it's good to have kids with you. They are a good excuse for a quick get away.

So, things are starting to get back to the bizarre. Not quite as exciting as before....yet. But I'm on my way back to kookie.

Adventurer.....A Gift From God!

Fellow Bloggers,

There are people who may have been wondering why I disappeared for a while from the blog and e-mail contact. Why I wasn't on MSN's IM. I know a few have asked. I'd like to say that it was just because I was terribly busy...which IS true. Or that maybe I was just feeling a bit uncreative and in a rut....which is also true. But I now know that it was something more than that. I was having a case of the "Normals."

Until a little over a year ago, I was an ordinary Canadian like any other. Busy Mom, formerly having worked in the medical and telecommunications settings. Having made it successfully through my youth, a more creative time in my life, I had grown up mentally and physically. In short.....I was boring.

I won't tell you all that happend a year ago to bring me to where I am today, but let me tell you, life is a whole lot more fun now. Pushing my limits, decorating lawn ornaments, wearing bunny ears out to coffee and church regularily, using a very dry sarcastic sense of humour when communicating with just about anybody. Approaching life with a different attitude. Enjoy today, praise the Lord always and work HAPPILY as if you are doing so for him. Now I don't exactly know if he'd be out decorating lawn Gnomes, but I'd like to think maybe he would, if it could bring a smile to someones face.

Well, the last couple of weeks, I've been feeling "NORMAL" again. Thinking about how silly my hobbies are. How I don't have a snowballs chance of ever being any type of an artist, cartoonist, business person. How I will never attain my ultimate dream of being a Starbucks Barista someday. When something happend.

I went out to coffee with Adventurer. That always helps to inspire for a time. But by Saturday I was back in my rut. Feeling a failure, not the creative artistic person I aspire to be. I was feeling so terribly NORMAL! I'M NORMAL! Even worse! I'm a pathetic middle aged over the hill normal person. Then something else happend.

While painting my kitchen ceiling beams the most hideous colour of baby blue, not at all what I intended, I heard a car in the laneway. By the time I was able to get down and check out the window, I was just able to catch a glance of a red car exiting my driveway and driving off down the street.

I'm not sure what made me open the door anyhow,but I did. There on the front step was sitting, alone, in all it's glory, a chocolate Kahlua cake! At the time not recognizing exactly what species it was, I thought it odd that someone would drop a bunt cake off like that with out so much as a how do you do. I don't even eat sample packs that come in the mail let alone a whole strange bunt cake!

Curious and confused I wandered over to the front window and stood to reflect on the situation, when I saw the most miraculous thing! There in my front garden, standing proudly amoungst the blooming tulips, on guard, was the oddest interpretation of a lawn Gnome I have yet seen! An Ikea terracotta lawn gnome that's shaped more like a ..... well, never mind, we just won't go there.

It's a message from God! I am Weird! I'm not normal at all! If I were normal would people be leaving terracotta Ikea lawn gnomes on my front tulip bed for no reason at all?! WooHoo!!!

So, thank you to my partner in enhansements, Adventurer ,who acted as Gods messanger to make my day and set me back on my path of abnormality. From the bottom of my chocolate Kahlua cake filled heart (and stomach) THANK YOU!

I know that God has given each and every one of us a special gift. I'm still not sure what mine is, but I think that it has something to do with being goofy. I know the Spirit will let me know when I'm on the right or wrong paths.

Perpetually Silly,
Perpetually Yours,
Perpetually a Chocoholic,

Cocoa

P.S. Do you think wondering what your gift is could be the only gift some may have?

Also, sorry this is so long. If you made it to the bottom, pat yourself on the back and get a coffee to wake yourself up. Better yet, have some chocolate!

I'm baaaaaack! Thanks to the valiant efforts of Adventurer. She swept in to rescue me from the evil clutches of the lawn ornaments headed by none other than the West Village Gnome.

Well, actually that's not quite true. It turns out that I hadn't been abducted at all as so many thought! While I was just hanging out with the L.O.O.N.I.E's, and enjoying myself immensely might I add, they decided they had had enough of me and asked me to go. When I so stubournly refused they put out the "video" in hopes that somebody would come and "rescue" me. It worked. Adventurer came to the rescue and saved the L.O.O.N.I.E's.

The good news is on our jaunt through the neighbourhood last evening, we discovered three brand spankin' new lawn ornaments taking themselves much too seriously. They're just screaming to be decorated. I very much doubt the owners will appreciate the artistic enhancement as much as the Village Gnome's, but if you have a rooster and two horses sitting on your front lawn, tell me they don't need at least a bow or a few plastic Easter eggs to make the picture complete. Oooooh! I like that! Plastic eggs for the rooster. Now what do I do for the horses?.....hmmm....sure wish I had some plastic poop. That would make this lovely picture complete!

You up for this next Thursday Adventurer?!

The following transcript was received a few days ago by the family of "it." I mean "Perpetual Chocoholic." It was received on a beta tape and was therefore not viewed until just today. (Let's see you try to find a beta machine somewhere!!)

Bunny#2:Where the heck is the Village Gnome [tsk, sigh] We've always got to wait for him. Thinks he's so bloody great! I'm the Village Gnome. I've been decorated more than anybody else! I'm the king of the planet! [said in mocking tone]
Turtle: I say we go ahead without him. All in favour say I.
All: I!!!!!!

To Whom it May Concern;
We are the "Lawn Ornaments Of the North In Exile" ....or L.o.o.n.i.e. for short. We are not a terrorist group, or at least we were not, until today. We are currently holding "it" hostage.

These are our demands:

*Promise that "it" will no longer ridicule us by dressing us up,moving us around, or sticking sticky notes to our bodies anywhere in North America, during the light of day OR dark of night!

Ok, maybe we only have one demand.....NO Wait!

*We also demand that you pay to have it permanently removed from the region should "it" continue to harass us, using whatever means necessary....[Insert sinister music here.]

Squirrel #1: I really hate that name. LOONIE. What kind of lame name is that! Boy....that really bites. I thought we were going to hold a vote on it.

Hippo: Ya well, I think you really bite! Just because we didn't want to use your acronym "S.T.O.P (superior tacky ornamental personages) I mean....what the heck does that mean?

Turtle: Could we please just get on with it before the Gnome gets here. If he gets here before we're done we'll never get out of here. You KNOW how he goes on and on about how HE'S the one who's been humiliated and how HE'S the real injured party.

Bunny#2: Can you believe he actually wanted us to consider hiring a hit man! He's wacko man!

Bunny#1: He really freaks me out too! The other day I saw him whispering and snickering to himself.

Hippo: Ok. Let's call it a day. What do we do with it until we hear back from "them?"

.............................end of transcript......................................................

I have a Bad Feeling

I have a bad feeling about tonight. I have a mission. A very dangerous covert mission. I need to approach the "enemy" to the masses (as suggested by Fourth Fret.) The dreaded upscale house in the upscale village with a lawn gnome on the front lawn! (place eerie music here)

Wish me luck, because I'm thinking I may get caught. Just a feeling. I haven't heard from Adventurer yet, so I'm hoping it won't be a solo mission. I don't know if I want to face a gnome alone!

Wish me luck! If you don't hear from me again you'll know I've been overtaken, perhaps taken as a hostage. Please give in to his demands! I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a gnome!

Think about this one...

On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be
01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.
Thankyou...
You may now return to your (normal?) life.

I received this by email today. Is this reason enough to throw a party? You're all invited. My place tonight at 1:00 am for the countdown.

Directions to my house:

Head North. If you're in Calgary just head east until you see a crazy woman wearing bunny ears and decorating lawn gnomes. That's me....Well, me or Adventurer.